Post # 1
Male friend has gf. Met gf. They broke up, we remained friends. She was my first friend in the new town i moved into. 3 years later, we continue to be friends, nothing too intense, but i certainly would give her my time. She has helped a lot with the wedding by desgning all of the stationary.
Problem is she is single. Does not have a date to bring to the wedding. The only people she wil know is us, her boss & her ex.
I’ve extended a +1 to whom ever she would like to bring. Male. Female. Sister. Whoever. But she hasn’t been able to lock anyone down due to the New Years Eve date.
This morning she has emailed with the following:
i have absolutely no one to bring and i’m feeling really down about it. Kerry invited me to spend new years with them at the beach house and i have to admit to you it is very tempting… The thought of spending new years on my own at a wedding where the only people i know are my boss and my ex is really depressing…
Bit of a bombshell i know and i’m sorry. I’m just really flat and feel like although i’d of course be happy for you guys, i might want to come home and stick my head in the oven afterwards.
Please be honest with me – it is your wedding and i don’t want to offend or upset you or John by any means so if it would then i will attend alone and you can seat me wherever you like
I’ll admit, it hurts. I would love her to come. But cannot force her. Especially if she doesn’t want to. Part of me wants to be the bigger person & turn it around on her. The other part wants to reply in CAPS – COME SILLY WOMAN. IT”S MY WEDDING!!
How would you handle this?
Post # 3
@Nic01: It’s hard in a situation like that, but my Mum pointed out to me several times during my wedding planning – it’s the most important day of YOUR life and nothing else will matter, but that’s not the case for your guests. I think it’s really honest and brave of her to open up to you like that and I would respect her choice. You will know everyone at your wedding and have a great time. Do you really want to “force” her to come and make her feel miserable?
Post # 4
@Nic01: she is telling you very sincerely it seems she wishes it wasn’t like this, that she wants to come, but she raises a good point- who wants to feel alone on new year’s, esp amidst a love fest? it is no one’s fault but the situation is such that she will be at your wedding feeling lonely and depressed. hell i would too! it’s unfortunate she can’t find a guest, you did the right thing by offering her a plus 1 and it seems she’s made a lot of effort in finding someone but can’t. this would make me feel kinda bummed too! you will have a busy and joyous day, the lack of her presence won’t change that. i think anyone can relate to not having each person they wanted there, and i’m sure other bees can tell you it won’t be so big a deal when the day comes around. i would tell your friend the invitation still stands, but you want her to have a good new year’s too and not have an uncomfortable night (that leaves her feeling depressed). maybe something comes through and she goes w/ someone, but if not you don’t need/want her to have to be there if she’s going to feel awkward and lonely the whole time. from the sound of her email it sounds like if you said please please come i need you there she would go, but don’t do that to her. tell her you appreciate her so much, and however it works out it’s all good.
Post # 5
@Nic01: Yes it’s your wedding but you have to remember it’s not about you. She doesn’t want to come because she doesn’t feel comfortable going alone and not knowing anyone. I think she can help celebrate your marriage another way, like taking you out for dinner. I would normally say she needs to put her big girl panties on but it sounds like she’s not a close friend (please correct me if I’m wrong). By close, I mean someone who you talk to regularly and/or see at least once a month. I wouldn’t make it a priority to attend a wedding under these circumstances unless the bride was in my circle of close gfs. I would reply and be honest, say that you will be disappointed but that you understand her choice.
Post # 6
@LaPetiote: i agree i really appreciate the senitment of her email. it’s obvious she cares about you and your wedding. she’s telling you flat out if she has to spend such a lonely new year’s eve she’ll stick her head in the oven! lol. it doesn’t get more honest than that. set your friend free of guilt and go on to have the wonderful wedding of your dreams w plenty of other friends and family that can be equally as happy!
Post # 7
I don’t blame her. If I was single the last place I would want to be was at a wedding where the only guest I knew was an ex. I would tell her I understand and have fun at the beach.
Post # 8
LOL Well I admire her candidness and somewhat sense of humor.
I’d probably let her off the hook. As a PP said it’s the most important day of your life not hers. And you certainly don’t want to guilt someone into coming that is feeling super depressed about her singledom. Frankly I don’t blame her and I’d probably bow out as well if it was not a closer friend’s wedding, and on NYE. People have a hard time being single on NYE as it is
Post # 9
I’d honestly probably feel the same way in her shoes, especially since you’re getting married on a holiday and at that, a holiday where people traditionally kiss someone at midnight. If the two of you had more mutual friends attending the wedding, I think I’d feel differently, but going alone to a NYE wedding where she only knows the bride and groom (and you won’t get the chance to spend much time with her), her boss, and her ex is kind of rough.
Post # 10
I think it is understandable to a degree. It is a holiday, her ex will be there, the other people she knows will be busy (bride/groom), she doesn’t have a date. Maybe just tell her you are disappointed because she is such a good friend to you, but hope she might be able to make it for the ceremony or what not (or some part of it that wouldn’t interfere too much with her other friends), but would understand if that doesn’t wind up working out.
Post # 11
@LaPetiote: lol i wouldn’t want to ‘force’ anyone to come to my wedding!
I thought the bee would help w some perspective – fi got his knickers in a knot very quickly!
@Jewelieee: yes, it’s my wedding but i have to diagree that it IS about me. But i do undertsand it is not about her 🙂
I would consider her close, we email weekly – but such is life.
@chillinchillin: incorrect – i did not email her pleading to come. in fact i was quite open with her, the rsvp was a week ago & i tld her to take her time but do need to know by a certain date. this email came from her with no nudging. I do like the idea of extendign the invitation until the final head count should she change her mind though
@MsJ2theZ: although slightly upset, i did laugh at the email (on the inside) lol
Post # 12
I feel really bad for you! But I also totally get where she’s coming from, too!
I’d probably give her your blessing to go with the friend and miss your wedding, but let her know that you’re super greatful for her help, and you wish things were different so she could attend!
Post # 13
@Nic01: I cannot imagine how hard it was for her to even write this to you…so I consider that a pretty strong indication of just how much she’s dreading this. It has nothing to do with you, I went to a wedding two weeks after a break up, alone…it was suicide inducing. I know it hurts, but trust me, you do not want to put her in a position to get it over with, have a few glasses of wine and either cry her way to 2014 or hook up with Cousin Bernie because she doesn’t know better and its New Years Eve….give her the green light to hold up on the beach and make a date to catch up next year!
Post # 14
@Nic01: I mean, go home and put my head in the oven? lol
I do feel you, I’d be very disappointed (and was) when people RSVP’d no, and if it was a friend, I’d certainly feel like, come on, it’s ONE NIGHT. But geeze if she’s that depressed over it, I guess tell her to do whatever.
Probably my response would be that I was so sorry she was feeling down. That I 100% would like her there, as it’s a one time event and we’ve put a lot of work into it and want to share it with our nearest and dearest. But would understand whatever she chooses. Then I guess wait and see what she decides. A little bit of “I understand but damn i’m sad” never hurt anyone lol.
Post # 15
I’d be sad and upset, but glad my friend felt she could be honest with me. I say let her off the hook- the situation does seem dire for her and I can only imagine how miserable she would be,.
Post # 16
@cmbr: +1. Tell her she’ll be missed and move on. It’s not like your best friends.