(Closed) An I just a space filler?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think I would keep going to the parties and being friendly at them as part of the “couple” scene, but I agree that it doesn’t sound like they’re at a place where they want to pursue a more personal friendship.

I would suggest working on making close personal friends other ways. It doesn’t sound like these girls are the right ones for you. I’m sorry! Making close friends as an adult definitely can be difficult.

Post # 5
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think find your own group of friends look for an expat group online. Do you think it cultural? If it’s not perhaps it just causal surface friendships so it’s better for you to try to meet people and build your own group of friends.

Some of my Fi friends I hit off with them but other then when we are social situations we don’t really talk. So these girls might be like that.

Post # 7
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@gomeme2013:  Can I ask how old these girls are?

Post # 10
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@gomeme2013:  “But I just don’t want to be the mean one not going to the parties but it not enjoyable for me having to chase them and end up being left out. Like the two nights ago it was a drinner and they all sat together and I had to sit with others I don’t know. and I only came for them”

That would stink! Something in your posts tells me they maybe are being mean to you. Who knows though?

Here’s what I would say. You CANNOT control their actions, thoughts, behavior, whatever. You just can’t. The only thing you can control is your actions and attitude.

You had to sit with others you don’t know? PERFECT opportunity to make new friends! I know that would be hard when you had sitting with them in mind, but the only thing you can control is your reaction, not what they do. So I’d start putting your energy towards that instead of using energy worrying about why they are excluding you or what they think of you.

Look up Circle of Concern vs. Circle of Influence if you want a little more encouragement on this. Those girls are in your Circle of Concern, but you can’t do anything to influence them. The more you focus on what is in your Circle of Influence (how you react, how you interact with others when you go to parties and they avoid you), the bigger your influence will grow. Before soon, you will be the popular girl with lots of friends and who knows, they may grow up a little and come around. Or not. But either way, your reaction is totally in your control.

Post # 12
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

What country are you in? Maybe it’s a cultural thing? I’m an expat living in France and I’ve hung out in groups with people who have seemed friendly but limit it to our initial interaction. I’ve noticed that many French girls tend to stick together, especially if a good number of the people in the group of friends are single. There’s always a competitive aspect with them it seems. Fortunately my husband’s friends’ girlfriends/wives/partners are all sweet and never leave me out. One of them even took me dress shopping and I was the first one to watch her baby on her first date with her husband since giving birth (she must really trust me Surprised). We’re not particularly close but we have an implicit understanding that if either of us needs any help, the other will provide a hand. 

 

Do join an expat group if it exists but try to cultivate friendships with natives either way. Join group activities or start talking to people at work. I made a good friend through work but ended up moving across the country and now I have to start all over. It’s hard though. People here seem to remain friends with people they’ve known since they were kids and welcoming new people to their group becomes difficult as they start having kids.

 

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Lol! I just saw myself reflected on your post! I kinda was in your situation the most part of my adolescsence until I found that there was no need for that. Maybe you could just start to define what a “friend” is for you, in YOUR own terms. For example, for me, a friend is a person who you share interests with (like, in a very natural way), a person who you share ideas with, a person you share VALUES with (one of the most important) and a person you have a common “way of life” with. A friend respects you and you respect your friend. But this is MY definition of a friend (maybe that’s why so hard to find many friends, LOL!).

        Anyway, before I go any further, let me just tell you about the “values” that I’m referring to. I know at first sight this might look like it has nothing to do with your post but maybe it will, so here it goes: Values are habits that we as persons adopt in our life and that will NEVER change through time or under ANY situation. For example, nobody can be, lets say, a thief, and then stop being it. A person IS or IS NOT; a person HAS certain values or DOESN’T. What I’m trying to say is that these girls you mention have been doing the same to you every time you go out. Maybe they don’t do it to be mean but it’s just that they don’t have that value to be corteous to the persons they invite (at least as a way to return your nice gesture of you accepting THEIR invitation). There are persons out there that would NEVER do something like that to the persons they invite. Really. Even if these persons are way harder to find, once you find them you will feel more comfortable.

        Just try to find persons that have the value of reciprocity, persons that appreciate you accepting an invitation and who will give you their sincere attention in return. They are harder to find and you might not find them in a night club (or, Who knows?) but just keep looking. There are more enjoyable things in life than feeling excluded by persons for which the word “friends” is just a cliché.

Post # 14
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@gomeme2013:  Start ignoring them and see if they notice.

I think you can do better. It is hard to make friends but I think these girls are just causing you unneeded frustration so I’d forget about it.

Could you join some club or a gym or some sort of class (like exercise or jewelry making or anything that you enjoy doing)? Or maybe try volunteering? All those sorts of things will expose you to new people.

And I know some people who do meet ups – http://www.meetup.com/

ETA – I don’t know if it’s available where you are, but I am sure most places have something similar.

 

Post # 15
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@gomeme2013:  it actually sounds like, to me, they keep trying to give you opportunities to meet new people so you can have some friends. If I didn’t like someone, I certainly wouldn’t invite them to a party, but its hard to talk to everyone at a party, you know? I think they expect you to be more independent and to make friends but would rather stay at an acquaintance level relationship with you, which isn’t at all bad. Just hurry up and learn the language and get cracking so you can meet your new real friends. 🙂

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