Friend resenting/criticizing my fiance's racial background

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

lalola44 :  

like any racist, tbh, she is letting her own insecurity frame her view of the world, and this means she has to find reasons/excuses for her own misery. Racism appeals to people who aren’t succeeding in life, and instead of taking responsibility, they blame “others”.

Your friend sounds miserable and small-minded. I would distance myself, but I would also do her the courtesy of telling her that she is letting her misery mistakenly color her “beliefs”, and you believe she’s better than that. 

Post # 3
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

My husband is “brown” (african/indian) and there is no way I’d be friends with someone like your friend. She sounds awful. Honestly, interracial relationships face so many issues, FRIENDSHIP should not be one of them. We both grew up in a very ethnically diverse area so our friends are from all races and I think that helps. My husbands cousin is also dating a white girl, white guy dating a filipino girl, etc. We are just mixers I guess. 

Post # 4
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This is a toxic person who is not a necessary part of your life.

BH her into oblivion and live a happy life with your Fiance 🙂

Post # 7
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Cut her off! Both me and my fiancé are biracial (Black/Mexican and Black/Native American). Her views extremely problematic and offensive. I personally wouldn’t bother being friends with someone who feels that way about any race or group of people. Especially during a time that’s supposed to be all about the love between you are your fi!

Post # 8
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

This is definitely coming from her insecurities. The irony is she is being racist by judging people and making comments based on the color of their skin. 

Next time she says something, say, “We can’t pick the color or our skin and we can’t pick with whom our parents marry and procreate. I’d love XX if he were any color under the sun. Love transcends racial boundaries. Why can’t you accept that?”

Post # 9
Member
1800 posts
Buzzing bee

How does your friend feel about Obama? Because he’s half white.

Post # 10
Member
10580 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

lalola44 :  

Don’t associate with racists.

Problem solved.

Post # 11
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

lalola44 :  yeh, it’s sad. But too toxic to be around.

I have zero tolerance for racists, though I will have a brief discussion with a racist if their racism is based on ignorance, in hopes of helping them find grace. I won’t do that with people who know better and choose to be sick, which sadly is most racists.

Irony for your friend is that we all have mixed blood, so even her theory is a bust. She is what being a bitter loser looks like. Run. 

 

Post # 13
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

as soon as someone in my life has anything bad to say about my fiance or me soley because heʻs Japanese and Iʻm white, theyʻre done. end of story. they can take their bullshit elsewhere cuz I ainʻt buying it.

Post # 14
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

think posters are missing the fact that your friend is Black and is displaying anti-Black racism. 

This is internalized racism, which is a (slightly) different beast from racism directed outward.

Just like a woman hating herself for being a woman (or thinking she’s weak, or too emotional, etc) is different from a MAN hating women or thinking they’re weak or too emotional. 

She’s mostly hurting herself, here. It sounds as though her divisive, othering language has been mostly praising the part of OP’s fiance that is white, not necessarily disparaging him because he is partly Black (and identifies and presents as Black.)

While not fair to the OP’s fiance to play up his “whiteness” when he identifies very much as AA (and is treated as such by our racist society), it’s definitely not the outright, hatred form of racism a lot of the PP are discussing.

OP, if I’m understanding the situation correctly, I feel terribly for your friend. It sounds as if she has internalized our society’s anti-black racism and has gone a long way down the road to hating her own blackness, as well as using anti-blackness as a lense through which she views other black people’s actions.

I’m sure this is hard on you to watch, as it’s surely damaging to her own self-image and to her relationships. While SHE thinks it’s natural to highlight the “good” (white) parts of people’s heritage, she doesn’t realize how invalidating and offensive it is to the people themselves (who DON’T have internalized racism toward their black heritage.)

In your shoes, I would probably try to get her to learn more about internalize anti-black racism and how prolific and terrible its affects are within the black community. 

Obviously if things didn’t improve after my attempts, I’d probably let the relationship drift a little. I’d want to help because she’s clearly on a self-destructive path, but you can only do so much at the end of the day. And if she is offending and hurting your loved ones… that’s not your burden to bear.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors