(Closed) Friend says I was abused, now won’t be a BM (long)

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Give her a week, then give her a call. If this is the ONLY thing that has ever happened, and it’s out of character for your Fiance, then I think that if you can forgive and forget, so should she. I’m sure we have all done and said things that we regret while intoxicated.. it’s not an excuse, but you just hope that if you can live and learn from things that others would respect that. She is only upset b/c she loves you so much, which isn’t a bad thing. She just was shocked at the comment.

Post # 4
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

my advice is to either call her and explain what really happened as you explained above (because sorry that doesnt sound like abuse that you described – it sounds like a drunk person – i have had similar things happen with my GIRLfriends)

from what you said it sounds liek your other friend said “oh remember when he broke your arm” but the Bridesmaid or Best Man that stormed out didnt hear what the story was about. i am guessing either she was in or used to be in or knew someone who was badly hurt in a domestic situation (or by an alcoholic) and feels strongly about it.

seriously tell her the WHOLE story and let her know that she jumped to the wrong conclusion – she might be a bit embarrased, but then again, shes probably trying to be a good friend by storming out because she thinks you are getting with a wife beater.

just my two cents from what was said above. 🙂 she might still refuse, because she might think you are making “excuses” but thats the most you can do. cant force her to do something, but you can try to get her to see the whole story and its not as big of a deal as she thinks it might be.

Post # 5
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree with melissabegins. Also, make sure that SHE understands that whole story. I mean… your Fiance was a jackass but it doesn’t sound like he was trying to hurt you, and it was a one time thing years ago. If he did similar things every time he drank I’d be worried, but if it was really ONE time and you are 100% sure there was no malice on his part… I can see how you could forgive and forget. I bet if you give her a little time and tell her the whole story she can too. 

Post # 6
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I can really see both of your POVs, honestly. You were actually there, you have one understanding of the situation. She wasn’t, but knows that Fiance got drunk and beligerent, and pysically caused you to fall down a flight of stairs and break your arm.

I can see why you have forgiven him, and personally, if he hasn’t repeated in any way, I think I would give your judgment the benefit of the doubt.

For a lot of women, though, a single act of violence like this would be the end, or would be all the evidence needed that a man can not be trusted. Almost every woman on this board knows another woman who has been abused, or has been abused herself. For some, that leads to an absolute zero tolerance policy. She is probably one of them, and in my own relationships, I am one too.

I can really see why this would hurt your feelings, but I can’t honestly say that I think your friend is bad for her reaction. It may seem really unfair to your Fiance, but with the life experience that so many women have with abusive men, I think her POV is understandable.

My suggestion would be to calm down and say to her, “I disagree with your assessment of what happened when I broke my arm. However, I can respect how you feel about it. You are probably not going to be comfortable with my marriage, but I hope we can work through this and still be friends. If you don’t want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’ll understand. It does honestly hurt my feelings, but with time things will work out.”

Post # 7
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

By The Way, is this the first she has heard of the incident?

Post # 8
13094 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you ought to sit down with your Bridesmaid or Best Man and explain that night to her like you did for us here.  My guess is that she misunderstood the comment / situation and is truely just worried for you as a friend.  If you can clarify for her what actually happened, I’m sure she’ll understand and have no reservations with standing up in support of you.

I’m with spaganya in that that doesn’t sound at all like abuse as you’ve described it – just sounds like the actions of someone who had too much to drink (I’ve also seen similar things with GIRLfriends).  It appears to have been a complete accident and out of character for your Fiance if nothing else that could be at all concerning has happened in the 2 years since.

Post # 9
171 posts
Blushing bee

Is it just the one incident that she is concerned about? Is he rude or sarcastic around her in a way that would make her suspect abuse is an ongoing issue? You said in a previous thread that you were discussing being a stay at home wife, does she think he is trying to control you? If she knows one thing happened, she may be on the lookout for other behaviors that may indicate abuse. Talk with her about what she thinks of him as a person.

Ultimately, you don’t want someone unsupportive in your bridal party. Look at the bridesmaids board, there are a million examples of why it’s a bad idea. Make it clear you are talking to her just to mend your friendship, not to talk her back into being a bridesmaid.

Post # 11
2633 posts
Sugar bee

Your friend is upset because she loves you.  Do you know her background?  Maybe she or someone she is close with is/was a victim of domestic abuse and can’t tolerate it.

If you explain the whole story and she still stands her ground – you have to respect that.

Post # 12
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

She might also feel lied too if she knew about your broken arm, was concerned, and you played it off like an accident instead of he was drunk, pushed you, and you fell. I don’t think there was any malice on his part and plus most of us have done incredibly stupid things while “blackout drunk”.

I agree with melissa. Let her cool down and then explain what happened just as you wrote here. She might still refuse to be in the wedding, but maybe you can salvage the friendship.

Post # 14
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If she’s upset over the “abuse” then why would she be angry at you? Shouldn’t she be trying to “help” you? That’s something that confuses me on this one. Is there maybe another issue going on or another reason why she wouldn’t want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and is just using this as an excuse?

Post # 15
3098 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

It sounds like she’s dealt with some abuse at some point in her life and has a pretty strong reaction to the idea that it could be there. I agree with the other ladies – talk to her in about a week, tell her the whole story, preferably in person, and ask her why she had such a strong reaction. There may be something she’s not telling you.

Post # 16
2680 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with some PP’s that your friend may have been in an abusive relationship in the past and thats why she reacted so strongly.  Id give her time to cool off then try talking to her again.  You said she has known your Fiance longer than you, could your Fiance talk to her?

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