(Closed) Friend says I was abused, now won’t be a BM (long)

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I agree with the PPs.  Your Fiance does not sound abusive to me either – it sounds like the actions of someone who had too much to drink, which I have seen many times before with male and female friends of mine as well.  Give her some time and explain the situation fully – again.  Talk to her about why she feels the way she does and hopefully you can both come to an understanding.

Post # 18
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with everyone who says to explain the situation to your friend and see if she can understand. However, the reason a bridesmaid stands up with her friend is to support the couple in marriage. It is her right to bow out if she feels she can’t do that, and you have to respect her decisions and her reason. I would personally be unable to support a relationship in which there is even a chance that the husband could possibly be violent, whether it is unintentional, due to drink, or has any other cause. Once I knew that potential was there I would personally leave such a relationship, and be very concerned for a friend who was about to marry a person who could be violent. Drink brings out the worst in people, but violence to me is an unacceptable worst. That’s my personal decision and I am not in any way trying to put that on you, just saying I understand why your friend is now uncomfortable supporting your marriage.

Post # 19
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I think monitajb has said it best, “FI got drunk and beligerent, and pysically caused you to fall down a flight of stairs and break your arm.” Any friend would be protective of you no matter how you explained it away. Is she the only one of your friends/family that has expressed concern about supporting your marriage to your FI? Do you feel you are always explaining the situation to make other people understand? Just something to think about.

Don’t be mad at her. As rachelss said, a real bridesmaid stands up and supprts the couple in marraige. If she is not comfortable then you should respect that. But you have a lot of time before your wedding so maybe you need to give her some space. If she really wants to be part of your special day, she will make herself available to you.

 

 

Post # 21
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

That is pretty strange that she would be so upset about the “abuse” but then speak with your fiance but not want to talk to you…what did they talk about? Is she still upset with him? I can totally understand not wanting to stand up with you if she didn’t support the marriage but it REALLY seems like theres another issue here besides abuse, In My Humble Opinion I don’t see any kind of abuse, it was an accident that is only made worse by the fact that you actually got really hurt. If he had put his weight on you and you’d been able to support him and not fall, would ANYONE think it was abuse?? I don’t think so.

Post # 22
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I don’t understand your friend’s reaction at all. If she was truly worried about you it seems like she would be talking to YOU not your fiance. I also have the same suspicion as june42011… that she may have another reason for not wanting to stand by you. Does anything come to mind?

How close are you two? From your post it sounds like she is closer to your Fiance than you. Something does not add up here.

Post # 23
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It sounds like she blew the whole thing out of proportion and maybe is a little embarrassed about it and that’s why she isn’t answering your calls?

You mentioned she’s known your Fiance longer than you…did something happen many years ago that maybe she is worried about?

Some of my girlfriends have been crazy drunks and there have been several broken bones over the years (broken bones, glasses, bicycles, windows, you name it). It happens! It was clearly a ONE TIME incident. Since you’re ok with it, she should be too.

I would give her a little bit of space and then try to meet up for coffee or something casual to talk. Something about that story hit a nerve with her, I would be a little patient with her until it’s resolved.

Post # 25
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

it could be the skeptic in me, but it sounds like she was looking for an easy way out almost, from being your Bridesmaid or Best Man. If she’s upset with you, and not with him, when she is his friend, then it sounds a little funny to me.

Post # 26
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree that it seems weird that she would be so mad at you, especially with all the details you have given us…

Is it possible that she isnt upset about the “abuse”, but rather she is mad at you for accusing her lifelong friend of being an abuser. I know that you don’t really believe he is, but if another mutual friend is joking about it and your fiance still feels bad about the accident, then maybe she thinks you are making him feel like an abuser, telling other people the story, etc. Maybe she thinks that if you are portraying the accident as his fault and implying that it was abuse, then you don’t deserve him.

Now, I want to be clear, I dont agree with that & I know you aren’t blaming your Fi or calling him an abuser, but maybe that is the way she perceives the situation and her anger at you is really about her loyalty to him. If she knows him well enough to know how kind he is and that he would never hurt you, then maybe she is angry at you for implying he would. 

If she still wont talk to you, then maybe your Fiance can approach her from this angle to see why she is mad at you and whether it is about her loyalty to him. Like others have said, I wouldn’t worry about trying to have her as a bridesmaid, but hopefully you’ll be able to salvage the friendship.

Post # 27
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

I agree it doesn’t make sense how your friend is behaving.  Probably something she should have brought up years ago if she thought it was a legitimate concern.  Instead sounds like she’s fishing for excuses to get out of the wedding, maybe not, maybe she just overreacted and is embarrassed or it’s always something she’s been concerned about. 

 

Post # 28
Member
2379 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m sorry but she seems more trouble than she’s worth. Are you absolutely sure you want her as a bm? I think if all this issues arise so early on there may be some unresolved issue that will keep resurfacing as the day comes closer.

Think it over and talk it over with you Fiance esp if she wont talk to you.

Post # 29
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Here are my first two gut reactions:

-when she got up and left she maybe she was acting under the influence of alcohol and blew things up (like we’re sometimes apt to do under the influence) and now she’s embarressed?

OR

-she’s had a lifelong crush on your Fiance and is just now realizing she can’t be apart of the wedding where he marries someone else, ala My Best Friend’s Wedding? You mentioned she’s engaged, but just because someone is engaged doesn’t always mean it’s all sunshine and rainbows.

Good luck how ever it turns out!

Post # 30
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

OMG, you’re Donna Martin!! Just kidding…

It honestly sounds to me like she’s upset about something, and is looking for a reason to pick a fight. So, here was the catalyst handed to her on a silver platter. I have an ex-friend who did stuff like all the time and it was infuriating. She would often latch onto one silly little thing or comment and make a big scene about it in front of other people, only to later find out she was mad I ate the last appetizer when I knew it was her only diet free day. Seriously, this happened. My mom is kinda’ like this too, is your friend posessive?? So I think there’s some underlying thing going on there.

Post # 31
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t want to upset you, or make you angry but you did say that her and your Fi have been close friends since birth. Is it possible maybe she has feelings for him, and wants you to leave, so she can have a shot? I mean I don’t know, but this seems very strange to me.

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