Post # 1
I started working at my current job 5 years ago. There I met two co workers, Annie and David. At the time, they were dating, and I became good friends with both of them.
Unfortunately, their relationship was very drama filled. After 5 years together, Annie broke up with David. I remained good friends with the two of them, which itself created issues because Annie was angry that I didn’t “take her side.” I chose to not get in the middle and I’m still close to both.
its been two years since the breakup and Annie still can’t stand to be in the same room as David, which I think is because she secretly still has feelings for him and hates to see that he’s moved on. This has led to her skipping my birthday parties and other big events, including leaving my engagement party early because she hated that he was invited. To be honest I think she also enjoyed the drama of the breakup and we’d spend hours upon hours analying his every move and thought, literally for a year afterward. But I was always there for her.
Now Annie is saying that she may not be able to “handle” my wedding if david is invited and I’m so hurt. Her exact words were “I want to be there more than anything, but im pretty sure im gonna have to say no.” I know the breakup was very hard on her, they were together 5 years and I know she was devastated. I know its very awkward having to share a apace with an ex. Still, she initiated the breakup. He was not abusive, didnt cheat, they hust fought a lot. By the time my wedding comes around it’ll be 3 years since their breakup. she would be given a plus one, not be seated near David, etc. she is also good friends with several other guests.
am I horrible for being upset? I’m not going to guilt her or say a word, but I will be so hurt if she can’t suck it up for 5 hours on the biggest day of my life, considering how close we are. I can’t imagine her not being there! Especially because FI and i have been LDR for 7 years and shes seen how difficult it has been for me, and now we can finally be together, yay! its a huge deal to me. Am I a jerk? I just know id never skip a close friends wedding over this, but maybe I can’t expect too much? I’m just sad :/
Post # 3
I can understand how your feelings would be hurt. I am sorry someone who you feel is your close friend can not put her own drama aside to join in on your happy event and be there for you for once. You have an absolute right to your feelings. Please do not let yhem or her ruin your special day. You might just have to come to terms that your friend is unwilling to be the kind of friend you were to her. Accecpt her for who she is and move on. Life goes and and yours is taking an exciting new start!! Start it ith love and joy on our heart and be glad no drama mama’s will be threre to take the attention away from you and your groom.m
Have a lovely wedding!!!!!
Post # 4
That’s a tough one. I can understand how that could be hard for someone. I have two couples coming to my wedding that are divorced and both either remarried or close to it. I figure they can deal with it on their own. But I think I would understand if it was too hard for them. I know you have your own feelings around why she feels that way and you may be right, but it’s hard to know what’s really going on with someone. I would definitely try to say something & convince her, but I think it’s important to be understanding.
Post # 5
Thank you 🙂 I will most definitely enjoy it. And I know I will never say anything to her other than “I understand” but secretly I won’t be happy with her!!
to be fair I’ve never had a traumatic breakup so I’m sure she’s more hurt than I imagine. I’m just tired of the drama surrounding their relationship and breakup. I actually think the majority of our time together over the years has been spent listening to her complain about him, cry, analyze, etc. I just wish she could put that aside for a few hours and enjoy the open bar, dancing, and our mutual friends! And my marriage Lol.
Im just going to try and be understanding
Post # 6
@AbeeCee123: Sure you can be hurt to think that she wouldn’t come, but you can also be gracious and understanding about it.
You feel however you feel, you can’t change that. But you can choose how much to dweel on in and how to act.
Post # 7
I would be hurt too, and I would say something.
I’d let her know that you understand it is difficult, and you will do everything you can to make sure she isn’t seated anywhere near him, but she is one of your closest friends and the day won’t be the same without her.
If she can’t suck it up for you for 5 hours, then she really isn’t such a great friend after all.
Post # 8
Definitely agree. Like I said, I will never call her out on it or be a bitch. But I can’t lie, this will probably make me reconsider my friendship with her. I’ve always been sucked into her drama and I did it with a smile, a supportive ear, and lots of love and understanding. But if she cant put this aside for a few hours I’m not sure how much I even mean to her, you know? This feels a little one sided.
Oh well. C’est la vie I suppose!!
Post # 9
@AbeeCee123: She needs to decide for herself but you do not have to tell her who is and isnt invited. She only should decide based on her invite only. that said You are right to seat them on opposite ends of the room etc. We have this issue with a few couples but they are all mature adults who as long as they aren’t at the same table they will be fine. In fact I could probably put them at the same table but I figure it is nicer not to. This is her problem not yours, if she can’t make it then she can’t. Know this- there will be a few people you would love to have at your wedding that unfortunatly won’t be able to make it for one reason or another.
Post # 10
Maybe I am a jerk. They were together a long time and that must be so hard. But then I think, it’ll have been three years ago!! And she dumped him! But she’s still fixated on him in some way and can’t move on.
Im a bridezilla! 🙁 I wish I could stop feeling crappy about this and just be as understanding as I’m pretending to, haha.
Post # 11
Thanks everyone! Sorry, just noticed some spelling mistakes….it’s so hard typing on here with an iPhone!
Post # 12
I would be hurt. Sounds like Annie needs to grow up!
Post # 13
3 years does seem like a long time to be broken up and to still not be able to be around your ex, but you’re probably right that she still has feelings for him and it hurts her too bad to see him.
I would just say something along the lines of, “It’s a shame that you don’t want to come because David would be there, because it means a lot to me for you to be there to celebrate our special day with us and I would be giving you a plus-one, seating you and David at opposite ends of the room, and there will be 150 people there (or however many people you expect to attend).” If you tell her all this and she still says she isn’t coming, then you just have to accept that she is too emotional over the breakup and can’t come. If it would make you feel better to have her at SOME of the wedding events, you should tell her she is still invited to the bachelorette, bridal shower, or any other events you would like to see her at where you know her ex won’t be there.
Post # 14
@AbeeCee123: You can feel however you like about it. But I don’t think that you can really be upset with her about. She has made it clear she does not wish to be any where that he is. That is her choice.
While I do see how her choice can be painful, it is painful for her to be around David. To you your feelings are most important, and to her, her feelings are most important.
Neither is “right”. I’m not sure there is a way you can both be happy.
Post # 15
You are certainly entitled to your feelings. It does seem like after 2 years she should be able to get it together enough to be in the same room as him for a few hours. What if you offered to help her have some fun with it? I’m talking full on fitness plan, dress shopping, hair and makeup, airbrush tan, and a super hot date (rented if necessary!) she could BLOW HIS MIND and you guys could be primping for the big day together.
Post # 16
@AbeeCee123: You aren’t a jerk at all. I would continue your day without her happily and still maintain your friendship otherwise.
Some people don’t like to ever revisit the past by seeing someone they had a negative experience with. There isn’t much you can do about that part.