Post # 1
Hey Bees I’m a regular bee going anonymous for this post because I don’t want to give too much away.
I am in an awkward situation between two really good friends and I am not sure how to proceed.
So friend A, lets call her Alyssa and I are really good friends. She was in my wedding and she hangs out with me and DH all the time.
Friend B, lets call her Berline, is also my really good friend. She also hangs out with me and DH regularly. She wasn’t in the wedding but played a significant role in the planning process.
Alyssa and Berline are also friends. I’m new to town in the past 2 years so they knew each other before me. But I am closer to Alyssa.
So Alyssa met this new guy at work and they hit it off. They went on a few dates. Turns out he knows Berline but was vague on how. I suggested that Alyssa just ask Berline to be clear. Well turns out this guy is Berline’s ex and they dated for 4 years like 6 years ago. They dated before Alyssa and Berline even met so Alyssa never knew them together. But Berline considers this guy the love of her life and was very hurt that Alyssa went out with him. And was pissed for weeks that Alyssa even asked her because apparently she talked to Alyssa about him before. Alyssa had never met him before and didn’t put the two and two together when she met him. Alyssa told me that she would only be his friend going forward to avoid the drama with Berline.
So about a year goes by and Alyssas’s sister is getting married. She was super active in the planning. They had a few cancellations and she asked if I wanted to attend about two weeks before the event. Of course I said yes. Then Alyssa reveals to me that she is bringing Berline’s ex to the wedding as her plus one. She told me that they were just good friends from work and he offered to take her since her family was pressuring her to have a date. I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea and suggested she let Berline know just in case pics were posted to FaceBook. But Alyssa told me she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and asked me not to tell Berline. Then a week later she did admit to me that she probably was going to sleep with him after the wedding. (I honestly think they have been sleeping together this entire time and she just didn’t tell me).
This made me super uncomfortable because I didn’t want to lie to Berline or be involved. So I told Alyssa that I would rather not attend the wedding if he was going to be her date because I didn’t want to hurt Berline. Alyssa got mad at me and didn’t speak to me for two weeks. She said I was being super judgmental. And maybe I was? I am not sure. I told her that wasn’t my intention but I just wasn’t comfortable with the situation. She told me she understood and we are on better terms now.
But the problem is now she is now in a full relationship with this guy now. Both me and DH have suggested that she come clean with Berline but she has not. I feel awful just knowing about it. Literally me and DH spend nights at Berlines house just hanging out and I feel guilty just smiling in her face.
I don’t know what to do. Overall its really turned me off from my friendship with Alyssa.
I get that Berline can’t claim a guy forever. We are in our 30s. But I also “get” it. He’s basically her Mr. Big. Lol. But I feel that Alyssa should be honest about the situation to Berline. Its not fair to ask me and DH to keep her secret. I feel like a really shitty friend. DH could care less and said I am getting too emotionally involved. Lol.
What would you do in this situation?
Post # 2
Wow that is a tough one bee. I basically agree with everything you said – Berline can’t lay claim to this guy forever, but Alyssa needs to rise above and come clean. Sneaking around is cowardly, and she’s putting you in a really difficult spot. I wuld be tempted to give Alyssa an ultimatum and say if you don’t tell Berline about this by x date I am going to tell her myself.
ETA: I would also tell Alyssa that you support her relationship with this guy and you want her to be happy. It’s the lying to Berline that you have an issue with and refuse to be complicit in any longer.
Post # 3
Wow..that’s tough. I feel like you’re going to burn a bridge either way you go.
Does Alyssa know how tough of a spot she’s put you in? Maybe if you break it down she’ll come clean and tell Berline.
Post # 4
I can imagine how you must be feeling. You need to explain to Alyssa that you are not comfortable with keeping this from Berline, and if she won’t tell her, you cannot spend time with her. It’s not fair for her to put you in the middle of this. It’s their deal to work out, nor yours. Good luck!
Post # 5
Your husband is right. I would stay out of it.
Post # 6
Ask Alyssa what she would do in your shoes. Tell her the longer she keeps it from Berline, the most hurt she will be in the end. What’s alyssa’s Long term plan anyway? If she marries his guy then Berline will never talk to her again. If they break up the same will probably happen. Alyssa needs to decide who she values more.
Post # 7
I agree, stay out of it. I get that Berline might be hurt but this relationship was 4 years ago that has clearly ended….and Alyssa didn’t even know them as a couple. She needs to move on and get over this guy.
I generally am of the camp that your close friend’s ex’s are generally off limits. In this case it’s not like Berline broke up with the guy and Alyssa jumped him a week later. They all need to grow up and act like adults.
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
This is a “stay in your lane” kind of situation. I would tell A you have no intention of lying to B, so if a question is asked you well be honest but other than that I would stay very far out of this and let them figure this out for themselves. They are all adults and can sort it out on their own.
Post # 9
I’d stay out of it. Obviously if Berline asks if they’re dating, don’t lie, but there’s no reason why you need to be a part of their mess.
Post # 10
This is a tough situation. It is definitely not your place to tell B; that would of be a huge betrayal. I would probably tell A that being part of this is just too difficult, and that I want nothing to do with it. I would tell her I don’t want to know anything else about this relationship until it’s out in the open, and I might even end up kind of distancing myself from A in general, depending on how awkward the whole thing made me feel. Encourage her to be honest with B. I understand B’s hurt here, but we don’t get to claim ex boyfriends forever and ever. They dated a long time ago, and she needs to move on. Keeping her friend from happiness is not a healthy way of dealing with her issues around this breakup. Tell A that the problem isn’t that she’s interested in B’s ex. The problem is entirely in how she’s dealt with it. Honestly, I think they’re both being pretty immature.
Post # 11
Thanks for this!
I agree I think its important to let Alyssa know that I support her relationship because I do. From what I heard about him. They seem like a good fit.
And I think I am going to go the route of staying out of it. But I won’t lie. So if Berline asks me I will refer her to Alyssa. Thats all I can do. I can’t tell grown people what to do.
I will stay away from the ultimatum route because Im sure that will be freindship ending.
Post # 12
Lol yeah the ultimatum suggestion may have been a bit extreme, but I feel like Alyssa is almost implicitly giving you one in a way (keep my secret from Berline if you want to remain my friend) and I personally hate the feeling of being between a rock & a hard place, which is where you are. That’s why the secrecy needs to end now.
I do think that Berline needs to hear it though. If it’s been years and she’s still hung up on him, that is not healthy and maybe this is the reality check she needs. Like pp, I am generally of the opinion that exes of close friends are off limits, but this situation is not so black & white. Berline & ex split up years before Alyssa entered the picture. Alyssa got involved with this guy before she knew he was Berline’s ex. So she already had feelings for him when she learned he’s Alyssa’s ex – I think it’s pretty unfair to expect her to just bury those feelings because this guy used to date her friend many years ago.
Post # 13
Oh man. Stop picking sides
. When you declined the invitation to Alyssa’s sister’s wedding because her date was Berline’s ex from 4 years ago —> you chose Berline. And Alyssa seems to want you to choose her (don’t post pics, don’t say anything, etc).
Choose neither. The truth is they’re both in the wrong. There is no such thing as “a Mr. Big.” If Berline thought that guy was the love of her life she’s had YEARS to rectify the “mistake” of letting him go. If she hasn’t been able to, that’s on her. Alyssa should have NOT picked Berline over her guy about a year ago. Obviously they have good chemistry and had a decent enough relationship that it’s still going strong. In her attempts to please her friend she ended up having to hide her love life, lie a whole lot more AND be judged for whom she dates.
Berline needs to get over herself. The guy obviously has.
alyssa needs to grow a backbone. You need to steer clear from the white water rapids up ahead. They look easy but they’re actually Niagara Falls
Sigh. this has gone on so long and you’ve known for so long that I’m sorry to say your friendship with Berline ist kaput. You’ve also seen a side to Alyssa that might change how you feel about her (I don’t know).
ETA: ok i reread my post and it was too doom and gloom. PPs said it best. Tell A you support her relationship with the guy. Tell her that whom she chooses to date is none of your business as long as he makes her happy and it’s clear they’re good together. Finally, tell her that you got flustered with her sister’s wedding and what made you uncomfortable was not her choice of date, but feeling like you needed to keep a secret from a friend. Be sympathetic to B when it comes out but don’t coddle her about this unhealthy fixation on a past relationship.
Post # 14
I think you were totally out of line to refuse to go to a wedding because he will be there! You clearly were taking a stand about the situation. Its not like he cheated on A with B. Its been six freaking years. And why do you feel bad seeing B? This stuff is absolutely none of your business and you should refuse to be involved in any way. Theyve been friends longer than youve know either of them. You dont have to DO anything, let them sort it out. They dated SIX years ago, this is petty.
When one asks you about the other, or to say xyz to the other, just say “I love you both and really dont want to be involved”.
Post # 15
This entire situation is completely petty. Why are grown women acting so childish? Alyssa was right, you were being super judgmental when you refused to go to the wedding, you claim you don’t want to pick sides but that day you clearly took a stance.
This situation is really is none of your business, it’s between Berline and Alyssa, they should never have gotten you involved, especially since it seems that you like to play both sides. They’ve known each other longer than they’ve known you and should know better than to keep skating around the issue.
Berline needs to realize that she can’t keep pining over a man for years on end, he’s not coming back to her. It’s inevitable that he’s going to move on, it sucks that it’s with her close friend but if not Alyssa it would be with someone else.