Friend secretly dating another friends ex. Need advice!

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow that is a tough one bee. I basically agree with everything you said – Berline can’t lay claim to this guy forever, but Alyssa needs to rise above and come clean. Sneaking around is cowardly, and she’s  putting you in a really difficult spot. I wuld be tempted to give Alyssa an ultimatum and say if you don’t tell Berline about this by x date I am going to tell her myself. 

ETA: I would also tell Alyssa that you support her relationship with this guy and you want her to be happy. It’s the lying to Berline that you have an issue with and refuse to be complicit in any longer.

Post # 3
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Wow..that’s tough. I feel like you’re going to burn a bridge either way you go.

Does Alyssa know how tough of a spot she’s put you in? Maybe if you break it down she’ll come clean and tell Berline.

Post # 4
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

I can imagine how you must be feeling. You need to explain to Alyssa that you are not comfortable with keeping this from Berline, and if she won’t tell her, you cannot spend time with her. It’s not fair for her to put you in the middle of this. It’s their deal to work out, nor yours. Good luck! 

Post # 5
Member
873 posts
Busy bee

Your husband is right.  I would stay out of it.  

Post # 6
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

Ask Alyssa what she would do in your shoes. Tell her the longer she keeps it from Berline, the most hurt she will be in the end. What’s alyssa’s Long term plan anyway? If she marries his guy then Berline will never talk to her again. If they break up the same will probably happen. Alyssa needs to decide who she values more. 

Post # 7
Member
6999 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree, stay out of it. I get that Berline might be hurt but this relationship was 4 years ago that has clearly ended….and Alyssa didn’t even know them as a couple. She needs to move on and get over this guy.

I generally am of the camp that your close friend’s ex’s are generally off limits. In this case it’s not like Berline broke up with the guy and Alyssa jumped him a week later. They all need to grow up and act like adults.

Post # 8
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

This is a “stay in your lane” kind of situation. I would tell A you have no intention of lying to B, so if a question is asked you well be honest but other than that I would stay very far out of this and let them figure this out for themselves. They are all adults and can sort it out on their own.

Post # 9
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d stay out of it. Obviously if Berline asks if they’re dating, don’t lie, but there’s no reason why you need to be a part of their mess.

Post # 10
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

This is a tough situation. It is definitely not your place to tell B; that would of be a huge betrayal. I would probably tell A that being part of this is just too difficult, and that I want nothing to do with it. I would tell her I don’t want to know anything else about this relationship until it’s out in the open, and I might even end up kind of distancing myself from A in general, depending on how awkward the whole thing made me feel. Encourage her to be honest with B. I understand B’s hurt here, but we don’t get to claim ex boyfriends forever and ever. They dated a long time ago, and she needs to move on. Keeping her friend from happiness is not a healthy way of dealing with her issues around this breakup. Tell A that the problem isn’t that she’s interested in B’s ex. The problem is entirely in how she’s dealt with it. Honestly, I think they’re both being pretty immature. 

Post # 12
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonbee102617 :  Lol yeah the ultimatum suggestion may have been a bit extreme, but I feel like Alyssa is almost implicitly giving you one in a way (keep my secret from Berline if you want to remain my friend) and I personally hate the feeling of being between a rock & a hard place, which is where you are. That’s why the secrecy needs to end now.

I do think that Berline needs to hear it though. If it’s been years and she’s still hung up on him, that is not healthy and maybe this is the reality check she needs. Like pp, I am generally of the opinion that exes of close friends are off limits, but this situation is not so black & white. Berline & ex split up years before Alyssa entered the picture. Alyssa got involved with this guy before she knew he was Berline’s ex. So she already had feelings for him when she learned he’s Alyssa’s ex – I think it’s pretty unfair to expect her to just bury those feelings because this guy used to date her friend many years ago.

Post # 13
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oh man. Stop picking sides 

anonbee102617 : . When you declined the invitation to Alyssa’s sister’s wedding because her date was Berline’s ex from 4 years ago —> you chose Berline. And Alyssa seems to want you to choose her (don’t post pics, don’t say anything, etc). 

Choose neither. The truth is they’re both in the wrong. There is no such thing as “a Mr. Big.” If Berline thought that guy was the love of her life she’s had YEARS to rectify the “mistake” of letting him go. If she hasn’t been able to, that’s on her. Alyssa should have NOT picked Berline over her guy about a year ago. Obviously they have good chemistry and had a decent enough relationship that it’s still going strong. In her attempts to please her friend she ended up having to hide her love life, lie a whole lot more AND be judged for whom she dates. 

Berline needs to get over herself. The guy obviously has.

alyssa needs to grow a backbone. You need to steer clear from the white water rapids up ahead. They look easy but they’re actually Niagara Falls

 

Sigh. this has gone on so long and you’ve known for so long that I’m sorry to say your friendship with Berline ist kaput. You’ve also seen a side to Alyssa that might change how you feel about her (I don’t know). 

 

ETA: ok i reread my post and it was too doom and gloom. PPs said it best. Tell A you support her relationship with the guy. Tell her that whom she chooses to date is none of your business as long as he makes her happy and it’s clear they’re good together. Finally, tell her that you got flustered with her sister’s wedding and what made you uncomfortable was not her choice of date, but feeling like you needed to keep a secret from a friend. Be sympathetic to B when it comes out but don’t coddle her about this unhealthy fixation on a past relationship. 

Post # 14
Member
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you were totally out of line to refuse to go to a wedding because he will be there! You clearly were taking a stand about the situation. Its not like he cheated on A with B. Its been six freaking years.  And why do you feel bad seeing B? This stuff is absolutely none of your business and you should refuse to be involved in any way. Theyve been friends longer than youve know either of them. You dont have to DO anything, let them sort it out. They dated SIX years ago, this is petty. 

When one asks you about the other, or to say xyz to the other, just say “I love you both and really dont want to be involved”. 

Post # 15
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

This entire situation is completely petty. Why are grown women acting so childish? Alyssa was right, you were being super judgmental when you refused to go to the wedding, you claim you don’t want to pick sides but that day you clearly took a stance.

This situation is really is none of your business, it’s between Berline and Alyssa, they should never have gotten you involved, especially since it seems that you like to play both sides. They’ve known each other longer than they’ve known you and should know better than to keep skating around the issue. 

Berline needs to realize that she can’t keep pining over a man for years on end, he’s not coming back to her. It’s inevitable that he’s going to move on, it sucks that it’s with her close friend but if not Alyssa it would be with someone else. 

 

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