(Closed) Friend stopped speaking to me over wedding date

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Tell her now she can steal all your great ideas. Just Kidding but seriously, I know it’s hard to plan your own wedding and be a Maid/Matron of Honor at the same time but if you are willing to do both, she shouldn’t have an issue with it. I could only see her being upset if you said because of the dates, you can no longer be in her wedding.

Post # 33
Member
6392 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with the person who mentioned “Bride Wars.” It’s a great movie if you need a light-hearted take on why weddings shouldn’t rule your life :). If I were you, I would probably mail it to her anonymously :).

I know you’ve gotten a ton of answers already, but I just wanted to say that your friend is definitely in the wrong, here!

Post # 34
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

As terrible as it is, I can relate to your angsty friend. I didn’t start trash talking my friend or kick her out of my wedding party, but our situation was really similar. 

Incase you don’t want to read the long explaination below, I’ll just say that having someone really close to you book their big day right before yours can feel like a put down. Like you think their big day dosn’t matter, and at a time when they’re expecting to be feeling involved with their own excitement, they have to shift the focus off them selves. And with that can come feelings of guilt – because they want to be happy for you and go crazy helping you and planning your parties, but that can be really hard when they have their own wedding stress going on.

Now, yeah, this is selfish and petty, BUT, it is what it is. None of us are perfect all the time. Your friend is obviously feeling this way but on like, a HUGE scale, with a ton of childness and disrespect thrown in. If shes trashing you and acting out instead of telling you how crappy you made her feel and working it out with you – then its time to initiate a sesrious one-on-one and let her cry it out, because thats what she really needs. (maybe some wine would help lol j/k) Just listening to her anger could make her feel better.

You obviously shouldn’t change your wedding date – of course – but you might be able to change her feelings about it.

 

And my recent personal experience in this exact situation (if anyone is interested):

Fiance and I got engaged last March and our wedding is in 2 months from now. Friend got engaged last October (2 wks after dating) and just got married last month. We were/ are in eachothers wedding parties and enjoyed sharing wedding stress together. But I gotta say, I had some of angry feelings about her booking her wedding 3 months infront of mine. Biggest problems were dealing with her other BMs (shower and Batch. party planning was HELL) and the money. She has no idea how much money and effort I put in to her parties, gitfs, dress, hair up do, accessories, etc. And then she expected me and Fiance to stay at her destination spot (1 hr from our house) for 2 nights at $225 a night! With our own wedding coming up it was frustrating and embarrassing to not be able to participate in staying overnight for the weekend because we simply do not have the money. But now it’s over, the wedding was beautiful and she had a great time…. I just want to say that through all of this I kept quiet about my feelings, never lashed out, I was her biggest cheerleader and was truly happy to be a part of this time in her life. Shes always been one of my best friends and I feel terrible that I felt unhappy about the situation at all, but I’m only human.

Also, this Jan my sister announced her wedding (also dating for 2 weeks), and she got married this past June. She was my Maid/Matron of Honor, but when she asked me to be hers, and then re-negged, I fired her as Maid/Matron of Honor and asked her to a Bridesmaid or Best Man instead (angry child syndrome? absolutly – but I’m only human) (also, I’m not having a Maid/Matron of Honor any more, just 3 BMs). That was the first of many hurtful, insensitive things she did durring her wedding planning. Now shes having a baby in 2 weeks, and let’s just say after a rough emotional year, we’re getting along better now. Our relationship will never be the same after things that have been said, ways that she has treated my Fiance and other members of our family, but I hope that with time and work we can have a healthy realtionship again. 

 

Good luck with your friend – I hope shes worth it!

 

Post # 35
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Fortunately my friends are all anti-marriage or aren’t serious enough with their relationships, so I don’t expect anyone to be heading down the aisle.  However, my sister and her bf haven’t been the warmest in regards to our engagement.  Before setting the date, I asked them if marriage is on the horizon since they have been dating a long time, both said “not ready, maybe in a few years” so we set our date and announced our engagement only to have them told us they were thinking of a July 2011 wedding…which would have been fine by us, but my parents are not giving them their blessing until later, so they have been overly annoyed with us.  There are things you can’t help and this is one of them..just know you didn’t do anything wrong and shouldn’t feel bad.  I felt guilty for her being sad and moppy at first, but I figured they both said they weren’t going to be ready for another year or two and we shouldn’t have to put our plans on hold just to spare their feelings.

Post # 36
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I got engaged Dec. 2009, our wedding is March 2011.  One of my bridesmaids got engaged in Feb 2010 and married in September 2010.  We went to several wedding expos together, compared notes here and there throughout, she even booked her wedding at one of the places we’d been considering (though decided against) and we are still great friends.  I wasn’t offended at all that she got married before I did.  Your friend is out of line.  As pp’s have said- you’re both getting married, who cares how long or short a timeline your engagement is!?

Post # 37
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@lezlers: Amen!

Here’s a vent of my own:

One of my friends has been engaged for almost two years. Her wedding plans are still on hold, and she still hasn’t even set a date yet (they have one in their head but haven’t told anybody or booked anything). So obviously, during all this time some of our other friends got engaged, and one even got engaged AND married. To this day when someone announces an engagement, my friend still whines, “EVERYONE is going to get married before me!” One of her relatives just announced that they’re getting married next winter and my friend freaked out and starting b*tching that SHE was thinking of having her wedding then. Thinking of it! Apparently brides are supposed to be able to reserve entire seasons now just by thinking it!

I wanted to shake her and say it’s your own damn problem for wanting to have a wedding so far out of your budget that you have to save for three years for it. Either get it done at the courthouse and “win” your imaginary race, or announce your wedding date already so that people don’t have to become psychic to avoid your wrath! Jeez!

Post # 38
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@jayce:

Ugh, seriously.  Your friend sounds ridiculous.  The whole “I got engaged first so I have to get married first!” is ten times worse when the offender has a 1+ year engagement.  If being engageed means none of your friends are allowed to get married before your engagement ends, either make your engagement a reasonable length (under a year) or wait until you’re ready to actually plan your wedding before you get engaged.

Post # 39
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You are so. not. wrong. Your friend is overreacting- it’s not like you picked her exact date, and you can’t rearrange your life for hers.

Post # 40
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with what everyone else is saying, there is no reason she should be so upset about your wedding date. I really dislike it when brides feel that they own a certain timeframe. You are allowed to get married and have your dream wedding and dream date just like every other bride is. Tell her look at it this way, at least you are getting married first so if she wants to make last minute changes based on your date, she can (i dont agree that weddings should be compared at all, but im just looking at it from a selfish bride pov)

Post # 41
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

I have to admit, it is a little annoying watching everyone(so it seems)I know, getting engaged after me, and married before me… HOWEVER, that is not their problem. It is myself and my FI’s problem for having such a long engagement. It is nothing I would ever Tell a person… I just get an inner twinge that has nothing to do with anyone or their wedding….

Your ‘friend’ is being a big huge baby. A selfish one too. Sure her feelings are somewhat valid, but if she uttered the words outloud, about why she is not talking to her friend of 15 years, people would probably make a sour face, realise how spoiled she was acting and possibly like her a little less!

Tell her your wedding is about you and your Fiance and has nothing to do with her or her wedding. Plus, what a shame to change YOUR wedding date, for hers. Some bridezillas are just nuts! They get one day, not all the months before their wedding. Wtf..

Oh also, cute idea about having your wedding on you deceased grandmother’s anniversary. Wink

Post # 42
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your friend is losing her mind!! lol.

Bridezilla on the loose!! Who cares if your wedding is before hers… if this girl was going to choose you as her maid of honor, she should be treating you like a maid of honor. I would never make my bff feel this way. EVERYONE should get their dream wedding including the date. It is no ones decision to make except yours and ur fiances. She is being very childish and self centered. I would let her cool off and then, if she hasnt reached out, maybe write her a letter and remind her that you are a good friend of hers and you would never make a big decision like this to hurt her, and in fact it has nothing to do with her. Good luck….

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