(Closed) friend talks about her wedding yet does not have a boyfriend

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think it’s a lot of fun for girls to talk about these things together… I mean how boring would ordinary life be if we never focused on exciting possibilities for the future?  Now, if you’re engaged and planning a wedding, and every time you talk about YOUR wedding, she immediately talks about hers, that would be annoying… Of my 6 bridesmaids, 5 are married, and one is single.  I love talking to the single ‘maid about what her marriage and future husband will be like… granted she is great at listening to me about my wedding stuff, but because she’s my friend I love encouraging her to dream about how awesome it will be when it’s her turn.

Post # 4
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Unless she is actually placing deposits on places, there is no problem. Why is this annoying you so? Let her have fun dreaming of her wedding day!

Post # 5
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Let me just say that when I read this I laughed really hard, because I have a friend just like this!!! …But I don’t find it annoying.

As mrsmike said, it’s normal for many girls to talk about their dream wedding.  My friend is constantly calling me over to her cube to look at wedding pics on facebook!  I just let her enjoy it.  I’m sure that her wedding is going to be 10 times better than mine ’cause she’s been planning it forever 🙂

I say cut your friend some slack and unless she’s seriously interrupting conversations you’re having about your own wedding just let her fantasize.  You telling her she should get a boyfriend first (while you are about to get married) is a little harsh. 


Post # 6
494 posts
Helper bee

I have to agree with the other ladies.  If she is bringing up her "wedding" everytime you bring up yours or if she is putting deposits down that’s one thing.  I can’t say I understand it, but some girls enjoy thinking about way before they get a boyfriend, but it’s not for anyone to try and shut her up unless it is really out of control.  It can be hard, but just not to let her fantasies bother you. 

Post # 7
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Hey, me and my best friend from high school had our entire weddings planned right down to the color of the ribbons on the boutinnieres when we were single! She probably feels left out since you get to actually plan all this stuff…let her have her fun and dreams and try to go easy on her. I could see why you’d be irritated since this is supposed to be "your" time, but as a fellow woman…weddings are fair game for everyone to dream.

Post # 8
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree that it is totally normal for to dream for the future. I’ve been talking about what my wedding and future husband would be like in specifics for years! I’ve had a folder of "wedding porn" for quite a while. Maybe its annoying if she brings it up constantly, but I don’t think its a fair thing to say, "Shouldn’t you get a boyfriend first?" You wouldn’t say to someone in high school dreaming about their future career, "Shouldn’t you get into college first?" She is obviously hoping to have a special day of her own soon, and as her friend, she feels that she can share that with you. Also, keep in mind that weddings are not only about the marriage. The way it works in our society, a wedding is also a special celebration for a woman to show off her style and have all eyes on her! She is probably jealous that you have this opportunity before she does. Be understanding – friends can feel left out. Use this as a way to connect with her. Example: Friend – "So when I get married, Mom and I really want to have calla lilies…" You – "Calla lilies are beautiful, I agree! Daisies are more my style because my wedding will be less formal. That will be so exciting for you to plan a big, glamorous event one day!" Just let her feel like she can come to you to have her dreams affirmed, since you get to live yours out.

Post # 10
1530 posts
Bumble bee

I do think it’s still relatively normal to talk about this kind of stuff.  I know a lot of women who began collecting wedding ideas long before they got married.  Heck, I used to tear stuff out of Martha Stewart Weddings for inspiration before I started dating my husband.  Like the other ladies said, I think if she were putting deposits down or sending invitations, then maybe it would be another story.  As for now, it sounds like she’s just having a little fun.

Post # 11
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m going to take a different tack here.  I have a friend, my Maid/Matron of Honor actually, who’s kind of notorious for doing the same thing.  It’s not that I find it necessarily annoying, but rather worrying.  We both talked a bit about what our weddings would be like even before I met fizicsGuy, but it was kind of different…more light-hearted and abstract.  Since she was about 23, she’s been *positive* that every guy (even total jerks) was the person she was going to marry.  Her last BF treated her pretty badly, but she still says she’s sure they were right for each other.  When I was shopping for dresses, she talked about her "wedding that didn’t happen" with such detail that my sister thought she’d been engaged and it was broken off (so far from the truth). 

It sounds to me that this is less about her talk being annoying than it is about your feeling that maybe it’s unhealthy?  I wish I could give you some advice, but I still ahven’t figured out the best way to handle it.  I do think that saying things like, "Maybe you should find a boyfriend first", while well-intentioned, might put her on the defensive.  Perhaps you could more directly approach her with your concerns.  I know with my friend she has a lot of issues surrounding the need to be validated by men.  I’ve been a good listener and gently nudged her, and over the years she’s come to see this a bit more.  It’s still a bit strange and unhealthy (imho), but I think it’s getting better.

Post # 12
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I have a friend like fizicsGirls Maid/Matron of Honor… it is very scary! I do worry that she’ll end up with the wrong guy out of desperation. She keeps saying "it feels like everyone I know is getting married or having kids" so she’s put the pressure on herself. I try not to talk wedding with her b/c I don’t want to essentially rub it in her face or enable her.

I can kind of understand why you’d find it annoying– you probably weren’t the type of girl to dream about your wedding when you were younger. I wasn’t either… I never got why so many of my friends were wedding obsessed. I’m the first in my friend group to get married & I think its because I haven’t been wedding obsessed. When you set deadlines or plan it all out, it rarely happens that way! I follow the "come what may" mantra 🙂

Your friend is just a dreamer… don’t shoot her down everytime, but don’t enable her by talking wedding plans either. She knows she doesn’t have a bf, you don’t need to remind her!!

Post # 13
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think your friend seems like she will be in love with the thought of having her wedding & maybe not her actual boyfriend when she gets one. Sorry so harsh but Ive seen many girls act that way & it annoys me. There are so many others things for women to focus on like there career, goals, accomplishments, travel, etc. Why jump the gun? I dont get it. Sorry, im just being blunt.

And I would be extremely annoyed if she did it everytime I mentioned my wedding. Why do women not focus there energy on other things than just the expected? Just to throw that out there.

Post # 14
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I have a sister that is like fizicsGirl and RecessionistaBride’s friends. No BF, but talks about her wedding all the time. She also talks all the time about who’s getting married and who’s having kids, always finishing with a statement about how she doesn’t have any of those things.

When we talk about FI’s & my wedding, and she starts talking about plans for hers, I try to emphasize how much input Fiance has had – it’s been a lot! – and that when she gets married she will have another person’s personality, tastes, family, etc to consider. I’m not sure what else to do without seeming like I"m shooting her down!

I’m not sure I helped, but I agree that as long as she’s not buying things for a wedding, it’s all pie in the sky. However, if she gets depressed because she has the whole thing figured out except the groom, maybe you can do things together where you make it a point to not to discuss wedding plans?? 

Post # 15
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I have always been fascinated with weddings.  Since i was a little girl.  I think I was similar to "the girl that talks about the wedding".  When I didn’t have a boyfriend, and others were getting married I would talk wedding, "What kind of dress are your wearing? …. oh, that’s ____, I plan on wearing something like ______ when I get married".  The only person (that I know of) that it really annoyed was my younger sister.  She never got it.  I never booked anything or visited vendors pretending to be engaged, but I always knew what was in, and I always had a vision of my dream wedding.  Now that my wedding is over I try to help others where I can, I can’t help it I just love weddings.  My husband teases me that pretty soon I’ll start to plan our 50th wedding anniversary (we’ve been married 3 months).  LOL….

Just have patience, so long as she isn’t booking vendors or rushing into hurtful/damaging relationships its all in her head, these beautiful visions and dreams.  Let her dream.

Post # 16
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Since when is it a problem to dream about your wedding? I think its absolutely fine! It may just be her personality. She may just love weddings. I can see how it may be annoying but saying "don’t you think you should get a boyfriend" is pretty harsh and really not going to make her stop. Being single doesn’t mean that you can’t think about weddings! 

If it is really that bad, I would say something like "I had a lot of ideas too but it all changes once you find the guy and you include his vision too!" 

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