Friend upset about not being maid of honor…

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

so you were joint Maid/Matron of Honor in both weddings? gf 2 obviously values your friendship more than you do hers…

 

tbh you probably should have asked them both, but you didn’t.
if its what you wanted to do you don’t need to explain your situation, but it may cause a fallout.

Post # 4
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

mnl1 :  Eeek this is a tough situation, I feel for all of you. You keep saying “this is what I wanted” but what do you mean by that? You wanted to publically highlight gf 1 as your most special friend? You wanted to punish gf 2 for the two of you drifting apart over the last two years? Gf 2 is owed an explanation and it needs to be more than “this is what I want”. The fact that her own wedding was merely last summer — so recent! — makes the whole situation worse. It seems to me that you’ve made a potentially friendship-ending decision but for what reason? Did you make a mistake and simply not think through the ramifications of this decision?

At this point the damage to your friendship with gf 2 is already done and I don’t really know how to fix that, hopefully some wiser Bees will have suggestions. My best advice is to do away with all titles in the wedding party and only have bridesmaids. From there I guess you just apologise to both girlfriends… gf 1 for putting her in an awkward situation with her other friend, and gf 2 for devaluing her friendship. Good luck, keep us updated.

Post # 5
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

She’s not entitled to be your Maid/Matron of Honor just because you were hers and it’s super petty that she confronted both you and gf 1 over it. All sounds pretty dramatic. 

Post # 6
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

Of course this would get awkward. And it’s going to stay awkward- might even end the friendship by the time your wedding is over, so prepare yourself for that. There’s no real recovery from this. You can lie and be like “oh well you’re married now and busy so I don’t want to demand too much of your time helping me with stuff” but honestly I don’t think she’ll forgive you for this.

Post # 9
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

mnl1 :  In this particular situation, yes you’re wrong. Because of you and gf 1 being joint mohs in gf 2’s wedding so recently, it’s not unfair for her to have made this assumption. Surely you realised this choice would be a public statement that gf 2 is not as important a friend to you as you are to her? 

Also you didn’t answer any of my questions… if you “explained” it to gf 2 the same way you explained it to us, you haven’t really given her an explanation. But maybe there’s not much to say if you’ve already slapped someone in the face, metaphorically, and told them they’re less important to you than another person 🤷🏻‍♀️

Post # 11
Member
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Oh noo what an awkward situation 🙁 this is why it’s useful to have one sister to be make maid of honour haha. 

I mean, people feel what they feel, and a bit of disappointment on her part is understandable really, it’s always a little upsetting when you feel a friend doesn’t value you as much as you them. But she should have just adjusted to the new friendship level and moved on. I would be upset if one of my bridesmaids didn’t make me their bridesmaid, but I would never confront them and would try to just get over it and go to the wedding. 

No, you shouldn’t assume you will be someone’s maid of honour just because you were theirs. The closer together in time the weddings are the more it will sting though, I admit. 

As for what to do… I guess either make her joint maid of honour to smooth it over, or try your best to make her feel valued and explain the choice in whatever way you think will help most. I hope there isn’t any lasting awkwardness 🙁

 

Post # 12
Member
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Will you be printing titles in an order of ceremony or anything? If it won’t be written down anywhere titles might not matter so much tbh. You could make her a maid of honour but have a secret understanding with friend 1 that she’s the real maid of honour. Idk.

Post # 13
Member
9580 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

i really feel bad for you, because i do 100% see your POV: you don’t feel as close to this other girl and you want your wedding to be about you and your husband and the people closest to you, and she’s making it about her.

But, I see what other bees are saying–unfortunately nothing exists in a vacuum and she clearly feels you three are equally close and you’ve gone ahead and made it known that you think you and gf1 are closest and she’s a tag-along.. even if you feel this is the case, I can see how it’s devestating to her. 

I don’t much know what you can do.. I suppose you can offer her to be your matron of honor now, and while she may be upset that its ‘too late’ she may decide that now, before anyone else knows what happened, is better than never.. if you do offer she be matron of honor I’d go with “you know what, I was wrong to pick just one of you–you’re both so important to me.  I’m sorry I did it and I’d love it if you would be my matron of honor.” and see if that does the trick.  Apologize, own it, don’t make excuses.

Post # 14
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

Who are these people who confront someone over not being moh in their wedding? 

I agree with PPs. I understand why you didn’t want her as her moh but also see why this would be hurtful to her. I would do some damage control. “I never meant to hurt your feelings, I didn’t realize that this would. I really value your friendship which is why I wanted you to be a bridesmaid. I spend more time with gf 1, though, which is why it felt like it made sense to have her as my moh if I was just choosing one.” Then give her a reason why you chose one instead of two – make it simple, tradition, etc. 

Just be sincere in your apology and care for the friendship. If she values the friendship as much as she says she does, she will get over her own bruised ego and move on. 

Post # 15
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

mnl1 :  While I think it was out of line for her to make things awkward for gf1 and to confront you, I can kinda understand why she might be upset. But at the same time the fact is you’re closer to gf1 and it’s not like you excluded her from the bridal party so I don’t think it was your intention to hurt her.  I don’t think you have any options going forward other than to just stand by your decision and hope she comes around. It would be unfair to gf1 to demote her and it would be a bit of a slap in the face to gf2 to ask her to be moh now. Just make sure going forward you treat them as equals?

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