Friend upset about not being maid of honor…

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee

I understand why your friend might be hurt, but she’s still behaving childishly, and she absolutely should’ve kept her mouth shut. Adults recognize that no matter how much we love a certain person, she may have others in her life to whom she’s much closer. Love and friendship aren’t equal in that respect; the person I consider my best friend doesn’t consider me her best friend, and that’s okay. As an adult, I recognize THAT she has and WHY she has a closer relationship with another gal, and your friend should be able to do the same. 

As for how to rectify the situation, I’m not sure, as I don’t know your friend. Would she feel honored (or, hell, at least placated) if you gave her an additional role, perhaps giving a speech or announcing your entrance/the first dance/an open floor for speeches? At my wedding, *I* actually announced when the first table could go up to get their food, and my friend/photographer announced the speeches and first dance. 

Oh, right and…the absolute love of my life and best friend was my officiant (as my sister was my Matron of Honor), because I felt that being the officiant was much more important–and my friend/photographer was THE person who signed my marriage license as the witness. Neither were in my wedding party, but both played the most important roles of the night, from my perspective. Their names on that fucking piece of paper make my marriage legal, and it fills me with more love and happiness than anything to see their names beside mine and my husband’s.

I guess my point is that everything in a wedding doesn’t have to be done according to some bullshit rulebook. Break the damn rules and honor people in different ways. I’m sure this friend DOES deserve a special place in your wedding, and I’ve no doubt you can find one. I sure as hell did. 

 

Post # 17
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

mnl1 :  So I disagree with a lot fo the other brides here. Just because you were Maid/Matron of Honor in someone elses weddign does not mean they have to be yours. Just because you were invited to someone elses wedding does not mean you have to invite them to yours. Relationships change. You said you and gf are no longer as close as you used to be. Thats a valid enough reason as it is. If you only speak to her once every couple months, how is she going to be involved in helping you with all the Maid/Matron of Honor duties?

Besides all that, it is your weddign and you get to decide you who want to honour. She is not entitled to be a Maid/Matron of Honor just because she asked you to be one. Your wedding, your choice.

I have two equally great friends in my wedding part,y one is an Maid/Matron of Honor and the other is just a bridesmaid. Its not because I love one over the other and because I wanted to reward or punish anyone. My relationships with the two are different and it just made sense to have one be my Maid/Matron of Honor.

Dont let anyone bully or pressure you into anything. She can still be just as involved in everything as a Bridesmaid.

Post # 18
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

mnl1 :  I think this was wrong of your friend to do. Yes, she has every right to be upset and hurt, but contacted you about it was out of line. She’s a married, adult woman – hence she should be mature enough to respect your decisions vs making you feel bad. 

I would do your best to explain your decision, and why you only wanted one Maid/Matron of Honor, but do nothing past that. She will have to get over herself, as this isn’t her day anymore – it’s yours. She can’t come crying to you whenever you make a decision that wouldn’t be HER decision. Imagine her texting you saying she’s upset you went for a strapless dress vs one with straps. Or colors. Or decor. It’s incredibly rude! 

Do your best to mend things with her, but stick to your guns. You made the one friend Maid/Matron of Honor for good reason, and a her a bridesmaid for good reason too. She can still be just as involved as a bridesmaid anyway. 

Post # 19
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree that it was beyond tacky for this friend to put you and the Maid/Matron of Honor on the spot like that and essentially scold you for not making her a co-MOH.

 

THAT SAID- unless she has a history of melodramatic, self absorbed behavior, I’m guessing this friend has likely been facing a lot of insecurities over the last 2 years of feeling phased out by you and this other friend. And getting her bridesmaid invitation was seen by her as a glaring notification that she is, indeed, the B squad. How she reacted wasn’t right, but some people lash out when they’re hurt, and she is likely deeply hurt.

 

I don’t know what to tell you- you can try and make up some bullshit excuse as to why you chose one Maid/Matron of Honor, that has nothing to do with her personally, but I recommend reaching out to her and saying that honestly, you don’t feel as close to her as you once did. You could potentially follow up by saying you’d like to reconnect as closer friends, or you can leave it where it is. Obviously she’s still a really good friend if you want her as a bridesmaid, so hopefully you guys can get past this.

Post # 21
Member
1861 posts
Buzzing bee

I think situations like this are unavoidable. YOu can’t always make decisions just so you wont offend anyone. If you did your wedding that way it wouldn’t be your wedding at all. 

There is no getting around the fact that this hurt her feelings, that sucks but it happens. You deserve to pick your wedding party based on your preference not hers. Everyone knows that having someone as your maid of honor doesn’t mean that person has to reciprocate. That would be maid of honor by manipulation. 

Here is what I would do in your shoes. Tell her that you would like her to do a 5 minute speech at your wedding. She can give her speech before your maid of honor gives hers. That should make her feel heard infront of your family and friends. I Myself had a best friend who I grew apart from. When it was her wedding she rekindled our friendship and I sucked it up and attended her shower, bachelorette, and wedding in a matter of 2 months. In return the fact that she didn’t ask me to give a speech at her wedding while allowing her other 2 girlfriends to give speeches (we were all three very close before we drifted apart) really really hurt me deeply. It hurt me because I wanted to chance to stand up infron of her friends and family and really put into words what a beautiful person she was and how much I loved her. That is probably all your friend wants is for your friends and family to see her as important in your life. So dont back down on the maid of honor thing but tell her you would love it if she gave the first speech. That should help. 

Post # 22
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I understand why she would feel hurt, and feelings are what they are and it’s perfectly valid for her to feel them, but she should not have confronted either of you about it. That is petty and childish. She has to have known that your friendships were different and that you are in fact closer to the other gf.

I’d maybe try to tell her that you are sorry her feelings are hurt and you certainly didn’t mean to hurt her, but that you wanted to have one Maid/Matron of Honor and you and the other Girlfriend are just that little bit closer. You wouldn’t have made her a bridesmaid if you didn’t consider her a good friend.

If seh decides to make an issue out of it or creates tension throughout the next couple of months, I’d consider dropping her completely because that is super immature and she is making your wedding about her.

Post # 26
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Good grief, I legit do not understand why people get so upset about this stuff.  I will never understand how people think they have some kind of claim to a certain position in someone’s wedding – you still asked her to be a part of it!  Tell her that you’re sorry you hurt her feelings, but you have been more connected with gf1 over the years, and you still hope she’ll be a part of your day.  Tough luck, buttercup.  It’s your wedding.  Do what you want.

Post # 27
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

To be completely honest – it’s your wedding. You can pick whomever you want to be your Maid/Matron of Honor and should be able to without feeling bad or guilty. 

I think Girlfriend2 is being very immature about this. She should feel honored that you are having her in your wedding at all and it is completely uncalled for for her to confront Girlfriend1 or you. 

I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this since your wedding is supposed to be fun and exciting with people around you who support you. I would say that you move forward and if she let’s something like this ruin a friendship, then she needs to reevaluate.

Post # 28
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

Stand your ground and keep your boundaries. It’s extremely childish if this girl to complain that she isn’t a Maid/Matron of Honor – that’s a choice for you to make, not an automatic title because you were one of hers. She made her choice, you are free to make yours. 

FWIW, one of the reasons Darling Husband and I chose not to have a wedding party was bc I wanted to avoid hurt feelings due not choosing certain people to be in the party – there’s one person in particular I knew would expect to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man even though I don’t feel particularly close to them and I didn’t want to deal with the drama. I thought I’d be able to avoid it by simply not having a wedding party. Nope, I was wrong. Drama and hurt feelings bc this person felt as if they should’ve been a part of the wedding ceremony anyways. 

You can’t please everyone. 

Post # 29
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

mnl1 :  I think you need to strongly consider whether you are willing to have this type of petty drama as part of your wedding… see if she gets over herself over the next few weeks and if she doesn’t… yeahhhh…

Post # 30
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You aren’t obligated to pick someone as Maid/Matron of Honor because they had you as Maid/Matron of Honor. You can pick whoever you want as Maid/Matron of Honor. (TBH I think this is a horrible tradition to pick one friend and publicly announce them as the best friend.) You can pick whoever you want to be bridesmaids. 

Its also unreasonable to expect someone not to be upset after you told them that you like another friend more than them- which is what you did. She’s in the wrong for bringing it to third parties and for continuing to argue about it, but I don’t expect her not to be hurt. She just found out that she’s in an uneven relationship (and maybe you did too) and that’s never something that I advise people to stay in. She should simply take this new information and make a decision. 

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