Friend upset about not being maid of honor…

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

MeiFrancis :  Friend 2 valuing the OP more than the OP values friend 2 is what makes the relationship unbalanced… 

Post # 48
Member
3579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

mnl1 :  OP = Original Poster (ie you)

Post # 49
Member
6240 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

impatient1 :  If Friend 2 is at a 75 with both friend 1 and OP and OP is at a 95 with friend 1 and a 75 with friend 2, it doesn’t mean that their friendship is unbalanced. They seem to be putting in the same amount of effort. Maybe friend 2 is understanding that texting with someone once every 3 months isn’t that great and is feeling insecure or lonely, but that doesn’t make anything unbalanced.

Post # 50
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

MeiFrancis :  I do not know why you keep bringing friend 1 into the equation. If OP thinks OP and friend 2 are at a 75 and friend 2 thinks that OP and friend 2 are at a 95 then the friendship is unbalanced. It doesn’t matter that she should or shouldn’t think that. She should quit putting in a 95 to get a 75. 

Post # 51
Member
6240 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

impatient1 :  lol if you think that texting with someone every three months is the best someone can do and that they are completely justified in being surprised they are not that person’s best friend, then we are definitely not going to come to an agreement on this. That’s okay.

Post # 52
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

MeiFrancis :  Of course you can also ignore all the times I said that she isn’t necessarily justified in thinking that she was close to the OP. 

Post # 53
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

catash :  Who are these people who confront someone over not being moh in their wedding?

Probably people who feel like it’s mature to actually talk to a friend about hurt feelings and issues. Like, you know, mature people do.

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with Girlfriend 2 expressing her hurt feelings and why she was hurt. If you felt hurt by your spouse or family member’s actions, you would let them know, wouldn’t you? I don’t see why it shouldn’t be the same with friends. That’s how people feel heard, how misunderstandings are cleared up, and how issues are ultimately resolved.

I have had close friends confront me with a discussion about hurt feelings before, and I honestly think that it has worked for us in terms of figuring out where the hurt feelings came from and ultimately conflict resolution.

 

Having said that, I don’t think that Girlfriend 2 should have confronted Girlfriend 1. And I also don’t think that OP is obligated to make Girlfriend 2 a Maid/Matron of Honor just because OP was a Maid/Matron of Honor in Girlfriend 2’s wedding.

Of course Girlfriend 2 is going to be upset when she finds out that OP considers Girlfriend 1 a closer/better friend, though. That should have been expected, and OP should have had an adequate explanation ready. Actions do have consequences, and OP should have thought thoroughly about the consequences of not making Girlfriend 2 a Maid/Matron of Honor, and be okay with this potentially being a friendship dealbreaker for Girlfriend 2. 

Post # 54
Member
3876 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

mnl1 :  Ugh I missed the part where she was complaining to your maid of honour as well! Confronting you is not on, confronting maid of honour is really not on. 

Post # 55
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

What I don’t understand is that if you knew it would hurt her feelings before you even did it, why didn’t YOU put your big girl pants on and have a conversation with her in advance?

Yes she’s reacted and behaved badly, but if you’d had a conversation with her BEFORE sending out the info and splashing it on your website (sorry, but titles on websites is weird to me anyway) then maybe this could all have been sorted at that point.  

 

Post # 56
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

MrsBaconBear :  Yes, exactly. I completely agree that if OP really cared about Girlfriend 2’s feelings, she would have gotten ahead of this and had that conversation.

mnl1 :  It makes absolutely no sense that you expected her feelings to get hurt, but did nothing to mitigate that and are now upset that Girlfriend 2 reacted badly due to hurt feelings. Again, I’m saying she reacted badly, but she is human and humans have bad reactons where strong emotions are involved. You should have expected her bad feelings and had a conversation with Girlfriend 2 to start with. The way you did it, I can certainly see how it screams, “I don’t feel as close to you as you do to me and IDGAF how you feel.”

Again, I’m not saying that being a bridesmaid is not an honor or that you had to have made her Maid/Matron of Honor (see my previous post #53), but I do think that coming out ahead of bad news, figuring out what kind of explanation would be acceptable to your loved one to preserve the relationship, and having an actual conversation instead of blindsiding someone with something they wouldn’t expect…is the considerate thing to do when you really care about keeping your relationship with someone in the face of bad news.

Saying, “I have my reasons and she is just going to have to live with it” is immature IMO, even if that is true. Clearly the woman is hurt because she just found out that you do not consider her as valuable as she considers you. Wouldn’t you be hurt if your BFF (GF 1?) didn’t make you MOH? For chrissake, have some empathy.

Post # 57
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

mnl1 :  What’s done is done, but I agree with franklymydear on this one.  This whole bridesmaid package thing was probably over the top (and to me completely unecessary) so girlfriend 2 was blindsided.  If you knew she would be upset, you probably should have just talked to her ahead of time instead of her finding out via a package.

I also agree with impatient that this is more about girlfriend 2 learning, and coming to terms with the fact that you aren’t as good as friends as she thought you were.  Even though she reacted poorly by confronting girlfriend 1, I would cut her some slack.

You are not obligated to have girfriend 2 as Maid/Matron of Honor but honestly, your attitude here is a bit blase.

Post # 59
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

franklymydearidont :  

Probably people who feel like it’s mature to actually talk to a friend about hurt feelings and issues. Like, you know, mature people do.

I guess we just disagree that this is the more mature way to handle this situation. Yes, sometimes we need to talk things through with our friends to get to a resolution, but I don’t think that was this friend’s intentions by texting OP.

She receives a thoughtful package asking her to be a part of her friend’s wedding, and her first reaction is to find out why she doesn’t have a more important role. Instead of texting her friend and saying that she would be happy to be a part of her wedding, she turns it around and makes it about her hurt feelings. To me it reads as OP made her feel like shit, now she wants to make OP feel like shit. Which is pretty immature.

Sometimes the more mature thing to do is to swallow your own feelings for the sake of your friend’s happiness.

If it were me, I would have texted her that I was happy to be in her wedding and then thought about why OP didn’t feel as close to me as she did to my other friend. If I really valued that friendship, I would start making more of an effort to speak to/see her and would use the wedding as an opportuntity to show her how important she was to me. And if my feelings were really so hurt that I felt like I couldn’t move on with the friendship without having a discussion about it, I would have waited a bit (you know, let her have her happy moment of asking her closest friends to be in her bridal party without it turning into a dramafest) and then told her I was a bit confused/hurt and given her an opportunity to explain.

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