(Closed) Friend vs. Fiance

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2612 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

This is a 20+ year friendship?

Can I ask why she doesn’t like him or how she’s critical of him? 

 

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@DaisyCakes:  Happened with me and a longtime friend. Her husband is only a marginal reason, but maybe my experience can help with insight?

Isolating and leaving out THE incident that stressed our relationship, I was never really too fond of her now husband. He is ok in moderation, but he is brash, and pushy, and elitist. His opinion is forceful, and intolerant. And she went along with it. She hardly ever made time away from him to hang out with me. She usually included him into the plans, and it was off putting, because I was HER friend, and I felt inhibited by him being there. I didn’t feel free around him, and I didn’t feel as though our friendship was being nurtured because she wasn’t especially willing to make more than say an hour to dedicate to hanging out anymore without him being present. So I’ve let things go. I couldn’t take him constantly around, being abrasive. She couldn’t let our friendship be just about us, and I wasn’t interested in seeing him all the time.

I don’t know if this is what it’s like for you, but sometimes things like this happen. If you feel like you can genuinely work on it, maybe you can constructively talk about it in the open, and figure out how to make it work independently of your FI? He doesn’t need to be included in your friendship, and it sounds like she doesn’t get his novelty in the way you do. And that’s ok. People are all different, and not everyone will like every one else. The key is not to try and force it if it’s not going to happen.

Post # 7
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

from a different angle, i cant stand my best friends sperm donating partner – i think she settled for way too little and hes a giant anchor knotted around her neck that has sucked her dry financially, refuses to grow up and support his family and… well you get the picture.  can. not. stand. him!

BUT!!  he is her choice so i dont disrepect him/her or their family – our motto is you choose yor friends, not your friends partners.

if i was disrespectful to him then i would understand if my friend made a choice and picked him. she doesnt try to force a relationship and we keep things as girls only – its a happy medium

Post # 8
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@DaisyCakes:  Yeah. My situation is different from yours, and I figured it might be. But maybe you can ask her about what you’ve heard her say to the other friends. Do it in a non-confrontational way, and ask her why she feels this way, and what you can do to work on it, perhaps? Once you single out why you hold the grudge too will help you move on from this incident.

I know it’s not an easy thing when someone you love doesn’t get along with the love of your life. One of the reasons why my long time friend is on my shit list is because she said something so incredibly mean, and insensitive about my husband (and me, but that was implied, and not outright said, like she badmouthed him) and I resent it. Who is she to judge my husband? I have to live with him, not her. I have yet to let that anger go. If your friend is constantly making back-handed comments about the person you love more than life itself, it’s difficult to let it go.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, especially with weddings so close. Maybe you can have a coffee date with her and just air it out? If you want to truly enjoy the weddings without the thickness in the air, that might be the way to go. But I hope it’s repairable, because it has been difficult for me to grieve over this friendship. Even if it’s your choice to end it, please know that it won’t be without some kind of emotional reaction. That’s normal, and don’t beat yourself up.

Post # 11
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i think its also worth noting if you have shared negative info on your relationship with your Maid/Matron of Honor in the past. 

shortly after having her baby my friends partner became a total doosh and this cemented my feelings towards the guy.  now things are (reasonably) good between them i still cant get past all that she told me and what i saw

Post # 12
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@DaisyCakes:  Maybe next time you’re together, you can tell her “it really hurts my feelings when you say ___________ about FI” and ask her to avoid making such statements, even if it’s her opinion. Let her know that she is entitled to her opinion, but it does not make you feel very good when she says hurtful things about the person you love. If she sees she is HURTING YOU, rather than venting to you about her dislike for your Fiance, she might be more apt to stop that behavior. Just set some boundaries each of you can live with, and try to move on. If things are happening that still gets under your skin, the air really isn’t clear. She may have a few things she needs to air that you aren’t aware of. Just keep an open mind, and make it about your feelings, and not about whether Fiance was right or wrong, or immature vs. mature. Tell her it isn’t about him anymore, because you get her feelings, and you will respect them. You just don’t want those to be the central focus on your time with her. You’d rather enjoy her company the way you used to.

Post # 14
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@DaisyCakes:  It doesn’t mean that you should never ever mention him. Just play up the positive points he has, and leave any incidental problems to a friend that tolerates him more.  You are not likely to get good advice from her on the topic of him now anyway, considering she is biased / doesn’t like him anymore.

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