(Closed) Friend wanting to bring uninvited guest and offering to pay for them??

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh good grief….my Future Mother-In-Law has been saying that for months now. How she wants some friend of her’s to come to the wedding and she’ll “give money” for that. I’m sure that she has no idea of the cost per head. I don’t know why, but it annoys me so much when she does that.

Post # 4
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@FireflyT: I’d be nice and let him come. I mean…. he’s being really nice about it and offering to pay. I guess that if it were me, i’d just feel bad saying no.

Good luck, whatever you choose. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would let him come, especially if the Groomsmen is offering to pay.   Talk to him and let him know it makes you feel bad to make him pay, but things are already stretched as it is…   It sounds like he is being understanding.

Post # 6
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Did you make cuts elsewhere to keep the numbers down (plus ones, cousins, etc.)?  Tell him that if so – it might upset some of your other guests if they found out. 

Post # 7
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Good grief, this is why etiqutte says you don’t invite people to other peoples weddings and you don’t offer to ‘pay for them’. This is a celebration of your love, not a networking session for GM’s friend. I’m sure his friend would be fine to entertain himself for the night. Actually, the friend would probably have more fun if the Groomsmen gave him the plate cost and he went to see a movie or a show. It was very rude of the Groomsmen to put you in this position, and I’m sorry it happened to you.

That being said, if you have the room, I’d just let the other guest come. Its probably easier that way and will avoid any more headaches.

Post # 8
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

His paying the “per person” price doesn’t remove the inconvenience of having an unexpected extra at your wedding. There are ripple effects to this decision.  It’s not just about food, it’s about the bar, seating arrangements, favors, etc. 

I don’t think I’d say he’s being nice at all!  He has an out of town guest saying with him.  He should offer the guest some options of things to do while he’s at the wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Even though he’s offering to cover the cost of an extra person there, I still think it’s slightly rude to ask you and put you in this position.  He is already getting a plus one, that should be enough.  If he is having an out of town guest, he could recommend other ways for him to entertain himself.  And I’m sure the guest would rather be doing something else than attending a stranger’s wedding anyways?

Also, is it possible for him to reschedule his friend’s visit for a different weekend? I’m sorry, it’s just that it’s your wedding and you shouldn’t have to accomodate this extra person.

Post # 10
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

I would go with the lather, rinse, repeat method. Just keep repeating “I’m sorry that won’t be possible.  Don’t give him anything to argue with like budget, space, just nothing.

Him: Can I bring Uncle Joe he will be in town visiting?

You: Oh I’m sorry, but that won’t be possible.

Him: But I will pay for him, how much does it cost?

You:  I’m sorry but like I said that won’t be possible

Him: Why not?  Uncle Joe only visits once every 422nd rotation of the moon.

You: I’m sorry.  But it just isn’t possble to have him attend

Him:  What?  You are so mean.

You: Again, I am sorry but that won’t be possible. Gotta go, the cat is on fire.  Hope to see you at the wedding.

Gives him no ammunition to use back against you, and since you are under no obligation to invite this random friend of a friend you are in the clear.

You don’t have to keep engaged in a conversation with someone who is badgering you.

Post # 11
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@andielovesj I love this! Sounds like a great way to handle the issue. 

@Jeannine @ Small Chic I totally agree with you that it’s not just about money at this point. OP, you said that you envision a small wedding, so I imagine having an extra person who you don’t even know doesn’t fit with that vision. Perhaps if you explain this to the groomsman, he’ll be more understanding. I know it worked with my mom. My Fiance and I decided to have a small family-only ceremony, and then she found this venue that “could” host everyone, and all of a sudden, we were having a giant ceremony. I explained to her that even though this was possible, it wasn’t what Fiance and I wanted. It was an awkward conversation to go into, but she was understanding in the end, and I hope this groomsman will be as well. 

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ughhhh…what a rude and annoying request.  I suggest you stand your ground and only allow him to bring one guest, since everyone else is only allowed one guest.

One of our friends asked if he could bring his two hellions kids to the wedding.  He said that they didn’t need a meal or even a seat!  I still had to ask Fiance to stand firm that they weren’t invited under ANY circumstances.  First because we aren’t allowing children for most of our guests (only our nieces and nephews are invited).  But mostly because these are the worst behaved, most obnoxious kids on the planet and I want them no where near me  on my wedding day.  Maybe that sounds horrible, but it’s the only thing I got all bridezilla about 😉

Post # 13
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

ohhh man,  I could get on my soap box about people who “offer to pay”  We’ve had this happen a couple times and you really just have to stand your ground.  If we had said yes to inviting one person, it’s really not fair to all the other people we didn’t invite.  I agree with PP that it’s not about food at all!  It’s about tables, centerpieces, etc.  What happens if your seating arrangements are PERFECT, and then you add someone?  It’ll throw the whole thing out of whack.

 

I must say the whole: “You know, we couldn’t even invite so and so, so and so, and so and so because we’re trying to keep the guestlist down, so it really would be fair for us to allow this person to come, when some closer family members weren’t even invited” really worked on keeping people off our back.

Post # 14
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

 I agree with all the other comments about just saying “no” and explaining that it’s not possible…BUT

I’m in a similar situation.  Our Best Man and his wife are bringing two of their friends on vacation with them to help with their newborn baby while they’re doing wedding stuff.  Well,  FH invited them to join us at the dinner reception so they have something to eat while they’re watching the baby….they’ll be watching the baby in a hotel room in the same building as the reception hall…  Grrr….Yes I am frustrated that they will be there and I don’t even know them, yes it sux that we have to pay for them….but in the end, the best man is very important to us and it will make him happy.  He has made many sacrifices for us to just even be in the wedding, so we felt that it was okay to make this exception, I would NOT have allowed this with any other guest.

Post # 15
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with PP, just say no. People dont realize that you are not only payin for food but tables, chairs, favors, centerpiece, cake, etc for all the addition people you add to a wedding. Not to mention the fact that you dont want some random person that you dont know at your wedding.

Post # 16
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’d say yes! Hell the reason Im cutting is becasue of money so if money was no object, I would say yes. They might however be unwilling to cough up $200 pretty ones though…

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