Friend was MIA before my pregnancy but suddenly wants to be BFFs

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
5572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
christinakhar :  

I would keep making excuses and let it fizzle out. To be honest, she would have lost me when she called my miscarriage a blessing in disguise. Maybe she didn’t know how to handle it, I can understand that, but I would still be so upset to hear that.

Your instincts are telling you that the friendship isn’t right, that it seems fake, and I don’t think those instincts are off at all.

Keep saying you’re too busy and such and see what happens, she might just back away like she did before.

Post # 3
1859 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Either your friend is a jerk or has the worst social skills ever.  Best case scenario would be that your friend had absolutely no idea what to say to someone who just had a miscarriage, botched it royally, and then was avoiding you to save face.  Maybe she feels like your pregnancy gives her a clean slate to make up for the dumb things she said.  I don’t know.  Or she could be just a jerk.  Ask yourself how much you actually enjoyed this friendship before.  If it was important to you, I would probably give her one more chance.  If not, then it probably isn’t worth your effort to try to save the relationship.

Post # 4
10368 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I stopped reading after she told you that your miscarriage was a blessing. Fuck her. No one needs someone like that in thier life. I’d cut her out and stop responding to her at all.

Post # 5
9406 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

so.. my BFF and I have gone through some pretty rough patches, so while I’m aghast at the miscarriage is a blessing comment and not so impressed with her behavior in general, I can tell you how I’d handle it if this were my BFF:  I’d basically avoid her until I’ve calmed down and forgiven/forgotten.  

Is that the healthiest response ever?  I have no idea, but she’s my closest friend, so there’s that.  We’ve both grown up a lot since we first met 15 years ago, and being able to take some time to forgive the other is a big part of how we’ve managed to stay friends so long.

Post # 6
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I would not have remained friends with her after the “blessing in disguise” comment. What a terrible thing to say. And if for some reason I were to remain friends with her, her comment would have to be addressed. I could not keep that bottled up if I were going to keep her in my life.

Post # 7
2952 posts
Sugar bee

Is it possible she was jealous of the pregnancy, and completely botched the whole miscarriage thing out of anger? Maybe she didn’t know how to “come back” from that, and that’s why she went MIA? 

If you think the friendship is worth saving, I’d take a step back and cool down a bit. Then talk to her and see if she comes clean about a mistake/anger/jealousy or if you still smell BS. If it’s the latter, then let the friendship fizzle out.

Post # 8
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - Windermere, Cumbria

That’s awful, agree with PP that I would not be able to look past the blessing in disguise comment. Sit down and talk it out with her if you think it will help but personally would let it fizzle out. 

Post # 9
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Save your sanity and peace of mind. Drop her. You don’t need that in your life. 

Post # 10
936 posts
Busy bee

Some people are terrible with handling death, and comforting others. I am one of them. My instinct is to run in the other direction and disappear, because I have lost several people close to me and cannot handle reminders or other people’s pain.

That makes me a bad friend.

If you had a good friendship before your loss, it is possible that she was trying to “keep your spirits up” and give you reasons/excuses for why that was an “OK” thing to have happened at that time in your life.  (Religious people say things of that nature a lot, insensively).  It never is “OK.” And you never “get over it.”  But many people don’t realize the pain and seriousnessness of it until they have experienced a lost child as well, or are having problems desperately trying to conceive.

Giving you space and you taking it after that horrible response from her was totally called for.

Perhaps this time around, she IS genuinely overjoyed that you are pregnant.  But then she got scared about the unspeakable happening again, and is trying to avoid you. If she was a good friend to you for many years and then suddenly became a horrible friend, that is likely what is going on.  And, once you have the baby, she will pop back into your life without explanation and truly show up and make plans.

If she has always been a lousy, selfish friend who has not emotionally supported you or been a worthwhile friend to hang out with, I would just maintain that distance until your friendship fizzled out.  Only you can decide if she was a true friend who is handling these situations of pain and joy poorly, or if she isn’t a true friend.

Post # 11
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

View original reply
christinakhar :  I understand where your frustration is coming from, and I also feel like there should be some amount grace extended to your friend. Granted, this is only based off of what I read in your post, but I feel like some of the things you mentioned may be a little unfair.

I feel like your friend probably meant well with her “blessings in disguise” comment. Some people think that is a comforting thing to say, even if it’s the last thing you want to to hear. People think they are saying the right thing when really it can be we hurtful. I’m sorry she said this to you, as I’m sure it was painful and not the least bit helpful, but I don’t think she did it with malicious intent. 

I find your comment, “it’s like she thinks her problems are way bigger than anything I have been going through.” to be quite unfair. What may not be difficult for you may be very difficult for someone else. Your problems are different, not bigger than, greater than, or more important than hers.

I don’t personally know your friend, but it sounds to me like she’s excited for you. Life DOES get busy and sometimes you aren’t able to catch up as often as you would like with close friends. If you considered her to be one of your closest friends at one time, I think you should give her another chance. If you spend time with her and decide it is fake, or simply that you’ve just grown apart then that’s fine. But to just drop everything and not attempt to repair a friendship would be on you and not your friend anymore. Just my own personal opinion, take what you want of it. 

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