Post # 1
A good friend who lives near me had a first-trimester miscarriage today. We have the same due date 🙁 We are/were both due in Sept 2017. I don’t know what to say to her at all apart from ”I’m so sorry”. There are always so many posts about people saying the wrong thing when someone else has a miscarriage and I’m worried that I’ll say something wrong or that I’ll do the wrong thing by not saying anything at all. Obviously I’m really upset for her and sad that if all goes well with my pregnancy she’ll see my growing bump and know that she’d have been looking the same way etc. We were so looking forward to sharing things together and now I fear I’ll be a sore reminder for her. Any advice bees? How can I be a good friend for her right now?
Post # 2
As long as you’re aware you might be a sore reminder then you’ll appear so much more empathetic to her. She may want have to keep her distance for a bit and it sounds like you’re ready to accept that. If she wants a shoulder to cry on, be there for her. I bet loads of people dismiss her with an ‘oh well… you’ll have another.’
Post # 3
I would tell her how your feeling and ask her what she needs from you. Tell her you understand if she wants to distance herself. Let her know how much you care about her and are there for her. Tell her you’re willing to help her in what ways she needs. You’re a good friend!
Post # 4
I wouldnt make it about you at all. A simple, “Im so sorry for your loss, I’m thinking about you lots, if you need anything at all let me know” is suffice. She can choose where she wants to go from there.
Post # 5
That’s so tough. I completely agree with futuremrscrow
‘s suggestion. Don’t make it about how you’re feeling. I get what yorp127
is saying, but talking about how someone else’s miscarriage makes you feel may come off as a bit insensitive, which I know is what you’re trying to avoid.
With regards to saying the wrong thing, just avoid sayings like “everything happens for a reason”, “it’ll happen for you soon”, or imply that something was probably wrong with the baby.
Post # 6
I don’t agree with telling her you’re feeling uncomfortable. “I’m so sorry” is a great place to start. I’d also recommend a gesture to help take her mind off her loss. My best friend sent me some kindle book downloads and checked in on me here and there just to ask how I was doing. It’s tough, and I would definitely be sensitive, but you also have to be happy for yourself and not feel like you can’t experience joy that your pregnancy is going well. Basically, think about how you’d feel if roles were reversed and do what you can within reason to help comfort her. I’m so sorry for your friend. I hope she has a successful pregnancy soon!
Post # 7
I think it’s important to realize that everyone feels differently after a miscarriage. Some experience extreme grief, others are more matter-of-fact about it (and then feel uncomfortable when others expect them to be devastated). Some people want to talk about it, others want to mourn privately. Some are eager to get pregnant again, some need more time. I think just being sensitive and asking your friend how she is doing and what she might like from you is a good place to start. Also not taking it personally if she wants a little distance from you.
Post # 8
I think saying your sorry and just continuing to be a good friend is perfect and all you can do. Let her steer the relationship for there for a while.
Post # 9
I second this! and everything she said. I know both of us have been through M/Cs and I agree that the “this baby wasn’t meant to be” and comments like that were so hurtful because true or not it didn’t make you want that baby any less.
I’m sorry original poster it’s a tough spot for both you and your friend to be in but just the fact that you are concerned with how she feels shows you are a good friend.
Post # 10
yup, good advice and maybe just check in on her in a couple of weeks or months to see how she’s doing?
Post # 11
Thanks everyone! I already messaged her saying I was so sorry and for her to let me know if she needs anything. I thought about sending something to her but then I thought that I’d better not because sending her a gift voucher or whatever might feel like I’m rubbing it in her face that I’m still pregnant and she’s not. I’m definitely ready to accept if she needs distance from me for a while and I’ll just let her steer the friendship but at the same time I’ll reach out to her every so often to ask how she’s doing and make it clear that I’m totally available for coffees or outings or anything she wants to do. I don’t want to make it about me, so I don’t want to discuss any concerns about how I’m feeling or anything with her. I’ll also try not to be too joyful about my pregnacy in front of her – if she asks me anything about it then I’ll answer, but otherwise I’ll talk about other things with her. I hope that’s the right approach.