Friend with kid, is this typical?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9851 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If you want to continue the friendship then I think you need to talk to her about this issue. She may not really even realize she’s doing it.

As for if it’s normal, I’m not sure. I will say I have drifted apart from most of my friends who have had kids. It just seemed like we had less and less in common and the friendships just faded away.

Post # 3
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Yeah, your friend isn’t going to ever be the same because having a kid is like watching your beating heart walk around outside your body.  It’s obsessive.  I know some women can maintain who they are as a person and not as a mother, but I’m not sure I’ve met one.  I certainly couldn’t. 

Post # 4
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

With an “under 2” child, I could see that uppity friend might be a bit preoccupied. Is she a SAHM? If so, she may just be so used to centering everything around her child that its difficult to disengage. If you value the friendship, you might have to coax her out of it a little in the short run. In the long run, she’ll likely out grow this behavior. 

Post # 5
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

 

Someone with a small child usually turns in to a child themselves. They have so much child related things going on all day/night that they fail to see other important matters in a timely fashion. If she did not ask about your hubby now, chances are she will remember it at some other time and ask you then. 

I feel like my lack of sleep and rest after child truly retarded my reaction time. I will remember after conversations have happened and the person is long gone than I wanted to ask them this or that. My mind feels like it’s always lagging behind and to a point, is forgetful.

That might be the case with her and this is the reason why friendships after kids start fading away because the two people are no longer on the same page. 

If you don’t want to continue your friendship, then don’t worry, it will die out in to oblivion on it’s own. As kids get older, it’s different kind of more work, never less!

If your feelings are truly hurt, just remember not to take it too personally. You are not the one who is the problem here. You shouldn’t be feeling bad.

Post # 6
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I think you should be patient with your friend, for reasons PPs have already outlined. Also be forgiving of yourself. You guys are at two different phases of life. You might just not be the best friends for each other at this moment.

Post # 7
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee

in my experience it is typical. Their world revolve around the child and they have no interest in other (non-parent) adults.  Sometimes the bubble bursts when the kid is older. Don’t take it personally as it is likely they she is not too fussed with anyone else. I think the garfunkel and oates song “pregnant women are smug” sums it up. Check it from YouTube.

This sounds a bit bitter, but it isn’t. It’s just acnowledging that the relationships change a lot.

Post # 8
Member
6707 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

gatsbymermaid :  First, their world does usually revolve around the child for quite awhile – my best friend’s oldest is just about 6 and still most of what she tells me is about her behavior or things she’s achieved.  That’s what’s going on in her life, so that’s what she talks about.  I just change the subject to myself if that’s what I want to do.  Or get bored and answer with shorter responses.  Now that I have my own kid the conversations are easier because I can relate more, but I still have a life beyond that to talk about too, lol.  She definitely preferred texting (which I refused to do for years) because it was just easier to do while nursing, in the middle of the night, when the kids were demanding attention or when she wanted to keep quiet while they were napping.  I still hate texting but I do see her point there and use it myself to communicate with her a lot.  I’d rather keep up the relationship.

Secondly, no offense to your husband and his knee surgery, but she probably doesn’t realize how ‘major’ it was to you guys.  It’s just not on a par with getting chemo or having sepsis or something life threatening.  She probably doesn’t really understand that it has a big impact on you.  I’d probably ask “how’s husband?”  but I wouldn’t be worried about him as I might for a surgery or medical treatment that I personally considered more of an issue.  i hope that makes sense – I’m trying to say that your friend likely doesn’t mean to be insensitive about it but doesn’t the same level of importance to her that it has in your life.  If you want to talk about it, bring it up. 

Post # 9
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

gatsbymermaid :  My experience hasn’t been quite the same as PPs. Our friends with children often spend most of their time talking about them, sure, but our conversations still flow in both directions. Our communications and visits are much less frequent than they were but I feel like they’ve always kept reasonably up to date with what’s happening with us, and following up on that stuff. Not always, but on the whole. 

That said, those friends were always like that before the kids came along. Was your friend someone who really asked you about your life and made time to talk about you before having her daughter? Sometimes friendships aren’t completely balanced, but we only notice that once something comes along which highlights it. 

Post # 10
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Regardless of parent / non-parent, health issues are a funny topic, because some people like talking about them and some don’t. My husband recently had a major eye operation and he hates when people ask him about it, because he doesn’t like discussing his health issues with anyone and doesn’t expect sympathy. If your friend is like that then she’d likely think she’s doing you a service by not prying into what she would consider ‘your personal life’. If you only wrote that he had major knee surgery, she likely wouldn’t know what to say or what to ask without prying. If you wrote that he’d been in a car accident or volunteered more details, I’d bet anything that she would then respond with sympathy and questions. 

Post # 11
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

gatsbymermaid :  Oh and texting is much much much easier. I have two kids under 3 and rarely even talk on the phone to my own mother, because the minute I try and talk to another adult on the phone my kids start acting up demanding attention. If I text quietly while they’re eating breakfast (while eating breakfast myself) then it’s just much more do-able 😀

Post # 12
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

My parent friends fall into two categories. Ones who only talk about their kids and others who mention them often but still have the same interests they had before kids and want to hear what I’m up to as well.

I always ask my friends about their kids because I care but obviously as I don’t have a kid it does get a bit boring hearing about how they managed to use the potty properly twice in a row. 

I had an operation 10 days ago and a few of my mum friends have called to see how I am and texted frequently. A couple of them haven’t said a thing about my op but one messaged just saying “let me know when you are better and you can come and see us all.” Kind of annoyed me because she lives over an hour away and I’ve driven to see her many times in the last few years but she hasn’t come to my place once despite a few invitations. Nothing to fall out about but I do wonder if I should speak up and tell her it would be great if she could come to mine. 

I would hope your friend will ask about your husband after his op. If she doesn’t mention it at all then I would pull her up on it. 

Post # 14
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I think this is pretty typical, her life revolves around her child so that’s what she focuses on. Talk to her about your concerns though

Post # 15
Member
12463 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

In my experience, having a child does not cause someone who was previously empathetic and compassionate to have a personality transplant. Even new parents are perfectly capable of having a two way conversation and caring about their friends, even if they have less time to devote than in the past.  

That said, you told your friend that your husband had knee surgery. She may have thought it was none of her business to ask why he needed it or that you would have elaborated if it was something you wanted to discuss further. Sure, it would have been a nice thing to say I hope he is doing well now,  but she may not have realized how difficult recovery can be. It’s possible she would have reacted much differently if you had said he had a heart attack or major illness. 

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