(Closed) Friend with kids complaining about TTC

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

Was her comments on FB public for all to see or in a private message to you? If they were public I think that is a little strange, but I guess people have posted crazier things. Anyways, back to what you said. I think anytime someone is unable to concieve I am sure it is heartbreaking whether it is kid 1, 2 or 3. I am sure it is a little sadder too that she wasn’t able to make a child with her current husband versus a couple already having children together but then not being able to have anymore.

 But I also see where your coming from. She is a mom. She experienced being pregnant not 1 but 2 times and was able to raise kids. Since her 2 other children were by accident she obviously didn’t know what it felt like to have difficulties TTC so this is all new for her.  If she had problems with the first 2 then I am sure she would feel like your other friends and just be grateful for the kids she does have.

I guess the best thing for you to do is try and remember that she is  mourning the loss of a child she wanted and was ever able to have with her husband. You at least still have hope of getting pregnant where she doesn’t anymore. I think you should talk to her about your feelings though if you think this will come between you because I think having a friend to talk to about these things is so important.

And I am so sorry for your struggles! Hoping your long Journey TTC will have a happy ending very soon!

 

Post # 5
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@texasbee:  I am sorry. I guess when it comes to infertility or indeed children everyone thinks their own problems are HUGE.

I remmember when they thought my pregnancy was ectopic.. I honestly thought it was the end of the world. I felt if I couldn’t have this baby then I may as well be dying. With hind sight I know I was really, really lucky to get pregnant despite having PCOS with no intervention was a HUGE HUGE blessing. And the chances were in our favour that we would be able to go on and concieve again. 

But when I was actually in hospital while they were telling me the pregnancy was almost certainly ectopic, and I had confirmed PCOS, and they found fluid in the pouch of douglass and informed me it was probably due to endo I felt like dying. I just couldn’t see past not carrying this child. I felt like if this didn’t work out nothing ever would. 

What I am trying to say is (And what you almost certainly know yourself) is that rational thoughts and counting your blessings often don’t come easy when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. 

Yes, in an ideal world your friend would not compare your situations, because they are very different. However in her mind the fact she cannot have a child with her husband probably feels like the end of the world to her. Sometimes its pointless to each try to one up each other in the “Who has it worse”. You have suffered for a very long time with infertility, I cannot begin to understand how hard that it. However there are people who are in an even “Worse” situation than you. People whose infertility has distroyed their marriages. Just like you might want to tell your friend to count her blessing, they might want to say the same to you. 

Maybe you can try to tactfully remind your friend to be grateful for the children she has. I am not sure if that will be enough for her. (In fact I am pretty sure it won’t change her yearning for another child with her now husband, and the feeling of injustice she has).

In a way its kind of like the saying “You can be right, or be happy”. If the support you give each other is each helping each other, is it worth judging her feelings and telling her they are not as warranted as yours? 

I really, really sincerely hope that you get your much longed for child. 

Post # 7
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee

It can be hard to understand her frustrations when you have it worse, but it brings to mind a saying I heard recently “Saying someone cannot be sad because others have it worse is like saying someone cannot be happy because others have it better”. It’s all a matter of perspective. If I were you, I’d probably feel the same way! Like “pfft what does she know at least she has children”. TTC is a very hard and stressful process, as you said. 

Post # 8
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@texasbee:  I think you need to try hard to separate yourself from the two situations. If you’ve talked w. her about your struggles over the years, maybe she feels that it’s ok to talk to you about her struggles since you can relate and since she was there for you. It’s not the same and I doubt she thinks it’s the same thing, but I imagine that not being able to have a baby is hard even if you already have one or two. Is she being insensitive? I’m not sure. Would you rather she walks on eggshells around you or be able to openly share her worries?

I know it must be really tough but you say she’s a good person, just know that she doesn’t mean any ill will towards you.

Post # 9
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am sorry for your struggles.

I would like to offer you some insight into “the other side”.  I have a daughter who is 12.  It took me about 15 months to conceive her (with my ex-H)  and in the end I was able to conceive without intervention…. so, although that’s not technically “fertility issues”it was definitely long enough time that it “counts” by most peoples standards.  During that 15 months I had the battery of tests, questions, self-esteem issues, anxiety and depression that most women face who don’t get the easy path when they TTC.  When I had her I definitely felt blessed and I never take her for granted.

But just as you feel your “family” isn’t complete without a child… women everywhere have a vision inside their head of what they want their family be.  What they *feel* will complete their family.  For me, I wanted my daughter to have a sibling and I wanted another child.  We started TTC again when my daughter was 2.  After about 6 months we began working with my OB/GYN.  I became pregnant and miscarried fairly quickly after my BFP…. at around 6 weeks.  4 months later I became pregnant and miscarried at 12 weeks.  A year later – and after a 2nd round of what I refer to as the *million dollar gamat of TTC tests* I became pregnant and miscarried at 10 weeks.

Of the many factors involved in the breakup of my marriage…. I would count this inability to conceive a 2nd child and the emotions surrounding this to be the main factor….. how we both felt about it, how we behaved toward each other, what our expectations were about our family.  He wanted more children and would seek a wife with whom he could have more children. I wasn’t good enough for him anymore.

7 years later, I met a man to whom I will be married next week.  We decided to get a “jump start” on TTC, because of our age and history, and so I went off the pill in June.  On our 4th cycle (and on Sept 24th) I got my BFP!!!!  You know what they say…. different partner different outcome.  hmmmmm.  Oct 31 I was in the ER with severe pain and within the week had been diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and determined that I would need methotrexate it was a non-tubal ectopic in the ad-nexa, which has no ability to self-resolve. 

Not the different outcome for which I had hoped.  Not the different outcome for which my Fiance and I had spent hours discussing and dreaming and sharing.  I have spent what should have been my first trimester watching my HCG level fall, at increments not fast enough to fully satisfy my Dr but not slow enough to warrant a 2nd dose of Methotrexate… which By The Way is actually low-dose chemotherapy.  I have gone into labs every other day and then every 5 days and finally once per week to get blood drawn for HCG and other stats…. and when I get a new phlebotomist I get a “oooo – I hope it’s positive for you” and I hate to tell her that postivie for me means it’s falling, because it wasn’t viable.  Again.  And I see all the women in the lab and at my Dr who are pregnant.  And it’s not me.  Again.

I’m 40 and so I’m pretty careful about who I tell anyway, because I was getting alot of “why do you want a baby at your age” and “aren’t you glad to be DONE with babies so you can have some freedom in this marriage to just be a couple” because although those are certainly valid questions, they do nothing for the emptiness I sometimes feel when I think about having a baby with my Fiance.  When I think about what that baby might look like, or who that baby might resemble, or why when millions of unwed mothers who don’t want to pregnant are getting pregnant with seemly effortless abandon…. I can’t seem to carry a child to term.  Again.

I certainly don’t take my daugther for granted.  I love her and I am so happy that I am her mother.  But in many ways the fertiilty issues I experienced AFTER I gave birth to her have actually been HARDER for me to deal with than the TTC issues I had before I had her BECAUSE I know what it is like to have a child instead of simply dreaming… the way I did before I had her.

Your friend – and every women who is experiencing issues while TTC are searching for empathy and a way to not feel punished, or responsible, or guilty.  They are looking for acceptance and love and words of encouragement.  They are not looking to hear whose time is worse…. because we can’t really say that anyway, can we?  I mean pain is realtive isn’t it?  Your TTC struggles can’t be compared even to someone who has had the exact same experience on paper because we are all different people.  And so we all have different levels of ….. whatever. 

Yes, I think it was in poor taste for her to post that on FB.  But, then, I tend not to air my deepest emotions on social media anyway…….  But, it must be incredibly difficult for her to have had these children and know that she might not have fully appreciated the time with them at that point in her life.  And how frustrating that these men who haven’t been good husbands to her or fathers to her children are able to reproduce with ease.  And she is responsible now and in a stable relationship and for the very first time WANTS a baby that she PLANS to have…… and she can’t.   What a difficult journey for her.  What guilt she must carry to have been successful at having children with men who have left her and to NOT be able to have a child with the man she loves.  That grief has NOTHING to do with comparing her situation to yours….. but it’s grief in it’s own right. 

 

So, you can either be her friend and provide empathy to her or you should let her know that you can’t be there for her.   I might encourage you, however, to give some thought to why you feel she is less deserving of your empathy simply because you have deemed your situation to be “worse” than hers. 

When you tell her that you can’t be there for her, however, I would encourage you to not invalidate her emotions by telling her that her struggle with TTC now isn’t equal or the same as yours.  I’m not sure how good of a friend she is, but this might be something that will dissolve your friendship. Another angle to consider.

Good luck to you on your journey.

Post # 10
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@3xaCharm:  Wow! Really well said. 

I am really sorry about what you are going through. It is painful. I hope things work out for you soon.

Post # 11
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@3xaCharm:  FX for you – you are amazing. This was one of the few things that has made me really think about what others go through. I do not have any children, but while our TTC journey has been short so far, who knows how long it will be til our BFP. THis made me appreciate a different side of TTC. Good luck.

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