Post # 1
I’m hoping you guys can give me a little insight into my situation. I have had two close friends for about 10 years now. We’ll call them A and K. They were best friends, perhaps even closer than I was to either of them. They, along with my best friend and sister, have been my picks for the wedding party since I can remember.
But…about 8 months ago (coincidentally around the time I got engaged), they had a gigantic falling out. It involved A’s family, and started a feud that continues to this day. Now, K is actually currently dating A’s brother, which has caused further problems with A’s family (and A herself) verbally harassing and abusing K. K has stayed silent, pretty much ignoring everyone, and her boyfriend (A’s brother) has pretty much cut the ties to his family as well. A and her family continue to call and text horrible things to them both, despite them changing their numbers, and they show up unannounced to their apartment to verbally abuse K and Boyfriend or Best Friend.
I constantly hear both sides of the story, even though I’ve told them both that I would prefer to stay out of it, and now I don’t know if I can even have these two women who I love in my wedding. I am seriously afraid that they cannot be in the same room with one another without resorting to physical violence. I have voiced my concern to K, and I’m not as concerned with her, as she tends to be more passive, but A is another story. I love her to death, but she and her family love drama for the sake of drama, and if I were to broach this subject with her, I am not sure how she would react, and perhaps I would end up on her blacklist as well.
The whole thing is just so trashy (both of these women are college educated professionals in their late 20s!), and it puts me in an awkward position. I still have a year and a half until our wedding, and I know things can change tremendously in that time, but with their track record, I’m not sure anything will be resolved before I must ask girls to be my bridesmaids. To me, it boils down to whether I want to: A) have neither person in the wedding, ruining two friendships, B) ask one over the other, ruining one friendship, or C) ask them both to be in the wedding, and have a potential disaster.
Post # 3
This is tough. I think you should hold off on asking either of them until the last possible moment. Hopefully the situation will resolve itself or at least die down enough for them to be civil with each other. If not, and you want to preserve both friendships, you can have a very small wedding party and ask neither of them. If you only ask your sis and your best friend, they shouldn’t be too upset about it.
Beyond the bridesmaid-choosing dilemma, I imagine it must be very hard on an everyday basis to be close friends with two girls who hate each other. If it was me personally, I would try to understand the situation and help them reconcile – who better suited than a close friend of them both? (I know not everyone is like this and some people prefer to stay out of it, but just my personal opinion).
Post # 4
I would sit both of them down and tell them what’s up. Tell them the truth about you wanting them both in the wedding… but have concerns that they cannot get along. Ask them to be BMs, but tell them that you don’t want any bickering between the two during your wedding or any wedding related events. If they cannot agree to this, then they can’t be in the wedding. If they agree, and then begin fighting during wedding related events… tell them to step down. They knew beforehand what your expectations were and it’s not fair for them to not respect your wishes. If you put it all out on the table beforehand, there will be no hard feelings, and no “gray” areas on what is expected OR what will happen if they do begin fighting around you.
Post # 5
@GirlWithARing: Yeah, that’s pretty much the plan for now; I’m hoping time will be on my side, and if not, I’ll go from there. In reply to your other point, it has gotten really difficult to “juggle” them both. The problem is that the situation has gotten so convoluted with mud-slinging that the original problem is really no longer relevant. It sadly has become more of a fight for the sake of fighting rather than fighting to resolve the problem, which in retrospect, was small potatoes. I have talked to both parties, and neither has ANY interest in reconciling or forgiveness. Mostly I’m just really sad for them both. Thanks though 🙂
@kperry3: I think I’ll wait until closer to the wedding to formally sit them down, but if this remains unresolved, I will definitely be using your advice. It seems like a very diplomatic way to lay things out to the both of them.
Post # 6
Firstly, a lot can happen in a year, so if you haven’t asked either of them yet then do hold off for a bit more. When you ask, be up front and let them know that you are asking the other girl too. If you asked them already, its ok. Just make sure they know the other one will be there. I got so stressed out with wedding stuff that I just told people there were certain topics they were NOT allowed to talk about. If one wants to complain to you about the other one, you can make that subject OFF LIMITS.
Also, it is not a problem to NOT have a wedding party at all, or to just ask one person, etc. I picked the girls I had known the longest even though there were many other girls I would have (REALLY) liked to ask as well. This is because I couldn’t see any other way to do it without offending someone…
My friend’s boyfriend was just in a wedding party with his ex wife (and she had to meet her, omg) and everything was 100% fine. My husband is in a wedding party with an ex-best friend who cut us out of his life VERY unpleasantly a few years ago and while it pisses me off that I have to see this guy at the wedding at all, my husband is 100% sure that everything is going to be fine as well.
The reason we feel this way is that we just got married last month and everyone really is there for YOU. They don’t have to be best friends with each other to be there and be happy for you and help you get ready. My bridesmaids were all off doing their own thing 80% of the time (not even together with each other) anyway. It wasn’t exactly what I pictured from the movies, or from wedding photos I have seen, but EVERYONE says they had “tons of fun”. We are glad we went the chill route rather than forcing people to do a bunch of things with people they didn’t want to hang out with.
Also, I did have a bachelorette party and we did have a rehearsal dinner, but they were so big that no one had to interact with anyone if they didn’t want to…
Post # 7
I’m so sorry you are going through this! Bottom line is, you deserve a happy and drama free wedding day. Not only do you have the actual wedding day, but you have the shower, bach party, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, etc, etc. If these two girls can not behave in a mature and civilized matter for YOUR sake, then it may be best to just have them both attend the wedding as guests. That is, if you think they could even be in the same room together for one night.
I think your idea of sitting them both down and telling them what’s up is a great idea. Tell them how much their actions are hurting you. Tell them that you will no longer tolerate anyone bashing the other person to you, and you will walk away if need be.
Anyway, no matter what you do or what happens I wish you luck!! 🙂