(Closed) Friends & Babies

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

from a non mum persepctive, my best friend needed meds to help her become pregnant and i feel we were super excited and supportive

she was the first in our group to become a mum and knowing it was suppose to be difficult (they went on a holiday before starting further treatments and she got pregnant on hamilton island) i feel we were super aware of every bump in the road and ache she had so mentally and physically we put her needs first, we avoided some places so it wasnt a strain on her

sometimes i felt like i couldnt offer more than being positive – i remember once her blood pressure got shaky and i rang her to tell her about double rainbow i was looking as at i was driving the hospital to be with her, totally lame but it meant a lot to her she said. i guess sometimes people feel if they cant actively be part of the solution then they cant contribute even if it only support or words or just to listen to you

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

as a friend there are times you feel totally inadequate but i learnt that she didnt want me to fix the problem, she just wanted to say it outloud and be heard and have someone understand why she was going through ups and downs and help her be positive

edit: pressed enter too soon.    hopefully you will have a few friends that can understand and be there for you – as its obviously so personal sometimes people dont want to upset you further so say nothing instead of anything

Post # 6
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Maybe she just has no idea what that means.  It’s hard to be supportive if you aren’t sure what’s going on.  Also I find that women who aren’t TTC are sometimes very ambivalent about all things baby.  They don’t want babies, or to think about babies, or to hear about trying to make babies.  And some women just find the whole TTC process uncomfortable.  Talking about temps, CM, sex, eggs, it’s just too much for them and maybe that is your friend’s way of saying “Please stop talking about it, it’s making me naseous.”  I find that not all friends are able to hear about it.

Post # 7
Member
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I get support from people who know we’re TTC, but it’s usually not support I want (sorry!).  I know that’s not nice and they have the absolute best of intentions, but other than my best friend and my sister, everyone is on Team Try To Relax.  Which, as I have been very vocal about lately, is my least favorite team!  I hate being told “Just try to relax and it will happen.”  My Mother is the Team Captain of Team Try To Relax.  I actually lost it with her on the day I got my BFN beta test and cried and told her just to never never never say it again, no matter how much she wants to.  I called an apologized later, but I was at breaking point, and she said it, and, well – I broke.

And it took some time for my BFF to get to a supportive point. Maybe your BFF will come around too later on?

My BFF is not even engaged yet to her long-time Boyfriend or Best Friend, so she can’t even comprehend having babies.  Not just bc she’s not married, but in general, she is still at a point where getting PG would really freak her out.  Plus, she likes to be able to go have our margaritas and wine, or maybe go out sometimes (she is a much bigger partier than me, and sometimes she drags me/us out with her-exhausting!)….So when we started TTC right away after the wedding, she couldn’t believe it!  She actually didn’t want me to get pregnant already!  I think she felt like it would seperate us?  But since it’s been 4 months now, I think she’s had time to adjust to the idea.  And now, she’s actually the most supportive.  We don’t talk about it excessively, but when i do bring it up, she is always so positive and great.  And she somehow instinctively knew to NEVER tell me to try to relax….Which I recently thanked her for when venting about BIL’s Girlfriend who ALWAYS tells me that and ALWAYS asks me,”So how is the baby thing going?”  I know she’s just trying to bond with me, but that drives me nuts.  “The baby thing is not going good, and if it were, you’d know…”  Of course I never say that, but you know. 

So hopefully your friend gets more comfortable with it over time:)

Post # 8
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I feel like I was in the same boat. My sister, who tried to get pregnant for over 2 years, ended up on meds, and almost destroyed her marriage when TTC, actually told me to relax and let it happen. That was the only she ever said to me and from that point I never told another person but the ladies on the bee. I was disappointed in the support (lack of) from others who should have understood what I was going through.

Post # 9
Member
5572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

My friends react the same way as yours. Or they kind of just laugh it off like it’s a joke. I was talking about my temps and all of the charting we’re doing to one of my friends and she just laughed like I was ridiculous for “trying this hard.” I know it’s just because she can’t relate to it, she’s pregnant with her second…both surprises. It’s still frustrating though. That’s why I’m so thankful to get lots of support from the hive 🙂

Post # 10
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I just honestly think it’s one of those things that they ARE trying to be supportive but…it’s just hard because they haven’t been through it so they don’t know what you are going through.

Honestly, sometimes some have said some things that are a bit hurtful but I know they mean well. I just shrug it off. I just learned to lean heavily on my husband for the support.

And it sounds like just mentally since you’re the first to be married and first TTC that your friend is just not in that frame of mind yet. So I think it’s just hard for them to wrap their head around it. If that makes sense?

GL!

Post # 11
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly, before lots of our friends started having babies, and before I became interested in having one of my own, I would have probably acted a lot like your friends.  I just wasn’t there yet.  Babies were cute, and I was happy to smile at them and play with them.  But I had no interest in hearing about technical things like TTC, pregnancy symptoms, poops, or kids fevers.  In my experience it’s just difficult to be really understanding about baby fever unless you have it yourself.  Now that I’m pregnant I share the intimate details with people who are actually interested, and otherwise I try to remember that I have lots of other interesting things to talk about that have nothing to do with babies. 

Post # 13
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jaguar: I’m doing hw, so I didn’t read all responses, but I can see how that would hurt. I can also see how she may not know what the appropriate resonse would be. I wouldn’t want to offer too many ‘chin ups’ or ‘it’ll be better next times’ because sometimes that’s really not what the person sharing wants to hear.

Maybe, if you want to share with her again, be a bit more direct in what you need rather than in what you want to share. I do this with Mr.ND sometimes. Rather than “My day at school was so bad because of x,y,z, and I feel so a,b,c,” I get more of what I need by saying “I’ve had a super rough day with x. Can you just hug me/let me cry/tell me that it will get better/etc?” If she’s not super into the baby-making yet, she may be confused as to what it all means, or even disinterested. Letting her know exactly what you need as a friend may be more helpful to her. 

Post # 14
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m just worried that if we DO ever get pregnant, the friendship will suffer

i think most do to some extent – i love my friend, i was her birthing partner and now godmother to her child and she can phone me any time for anything but there is a disconnection because her priorities changed and im not as in love with motherhood as she is

as  im not a parent our friendship has continued but if i was a parent i know we would have issues because her child is very spoilt/very high maint (hubby calls her the anti christ) – relationships constantly changed as we change/our lives change

Post # 15
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I’m also the first of my friends to get married and have a baby. One of my “good” friends didn’t even see my baby until she was a month old. Good friend my tush! I created a little human and you can’t find time in your busy schedule to see her for a whole month?!

I think that people that aren’t in the same stage in life as you just don’t always get how important it is until they go through it. And unfortunately sometimes it’s too late by that time for your friendship. I’m obviously not very optimistic about it all, since my friends weren’t very supportive during wedding planning or baby. But luckily hubby’s friends are more on the same page as me so I’ve just started making new friends. I’m sad to leave my friends that I’ve had since preschool, but nothing much I can do about it.

Post # 16
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@artbee:

I think that people that aren’t in the same stage in life as you just don’t always get how important it is until they go through it. And unfortunately sometimes it’s too late by that time for your friendship.

Sometimes it’s really easy to maintain the best of friends. When you’re going through the same trials and tribulations. Or when they need you. Unfortunately, people constantly change and grow apart. Such is life and why for me my husband will always be #1 for me above any friend. Because he is my best friend and he will always be on the same page as I am.

I really hope that is not the case for you. But I’ve come to accept that friends come and go.

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