Post # 17
I’m not going to go all out and say I used to be a baby hater-but I had ZERO interest in all things kids before I got pregnant. I mean, people would talk about being pregnant or getting pregnant and I would just blankley stare at them like “why do you think I care about this?” To me, it was just something SO personal. Now that I’ve had one, I understand where they were coming from. But to some people it is like talking about life on Mars.
You need to find support from your SO. As we get older, our friends are living their own lives and not interested in our baby making plans while they are planning trips to Aruba or whatever. And I don’t blame them. It’s so not interesting unless you’re in it.
Post # 18
In my experience, when a friend is not in your stage of life, it’s hard for them to understand. For example, I’m getting married and I have friends who are still single. It’s hard for them to really understand when I talk about stuff around living together or planning a wedding because they’ve never been there before. They might ask how things are going, but they don’t really get how much goes into it and how much of your mental space it takes up.
I haven’t started TTC yet, but I figure it’s probably very similar. For me I know it would take up a ton of mental space and be something I’d think about all the time. But for people who haven’t gotten there yet, they can’t conceive of spending that much mental energy on it.
That’s one of the reasons I really like weddingbee and some other forums I visit. You get people here who are thinking about and want to talk about weddings and babies, and other the other really focused stuff we talk about here.
Post # 19
As the first couple in our group to get married, we got a lot of those types of reactions from people about wedding planning. I am really lucky that I don’t have friends who are actively trying to conceive, because I don’t think I would be a very good support system for them. We aren’t having kids, and I honestly don’t care about hearing about the struggles of trying to conceive. I know that was a mean sentence, but there’s not really a better way to say it. I would prefer that someone keep those things out of conversations with me, because I have no interest, can’t relate and wouldn’t know how to respond. Even your very best friends can’t always relate to the struggles you are going through
Post # 20
It is definitely a stage of life kind of thing. When my best friend finally got pregnant and had her first, I was geniunely happy and excited for her. This in no way, shape, or form meant that I was interested in the nitty gritty details of TTC, pregnancy, or child birth. Honestly, I probably would have reacted similar to your friend, had my best friend told me that her weekend was ruined because her temperature dropped. It’s just something that is very hard to understand if you are not on the same page.
Now that I am TTC, I sometimes discuss temps and CM with my friend who is also TTC. But I keep those conversations between me and her, knowing how it’s just not that fascinating to people who are not TTC.
Post # 21
I’m going to be brutally honest and admit that I think this topic is not that interesting to people who aren’t also TTC. It has nothing to do with you, so def don’t take it personal that she isn’t more supportive. She probably just can’t relate, I mean a wedding any female can relate to/get excited for. But TTC is different, if you aren’t also there then it’s kind of a foreign/scary topic and also super personal. She might even feel slightly uncomfortable discussing it because it’s kind of like you’re telling her a little Too Much Information about you and Darling Husband.
Also, besides not being ‘there’, she might just be tired of everything being about you. Make sure the conversations aren’t getting a little one-sided, try to check in with her more often about what’s new with HER. I know from personal experience it’s easy to get wrapped up in your own issues and forget to turn the conversation around every once in a while even if you think her issues’ aren’t as important. (not that you would, but I’m speaking in generalities so you get the point).
Post # 22
- Wedding: June 2011 - Sydney, Australia
@moderndaisy: Yep, I totally get what you’re saying – hell, I even bore MYSELF talking about TTC stuff sometimes! 🙂 Good advice re: making sure it’s not all about me. I try hard not to make it all about that, but I’m sure there are times where it’s seemed the opposite.
@AprilJo2011: That’s why I love these boards so much – it’s great talking to like-minded folks who understand and are going through similar things, themselves.
@MrsSl82be: That’s fair enough. I’m sure she has no interest in kids too – and I guess I just thought that if I can be understanding of what SHE wants and doesn’t want, she could be understanding of what I DO. Maybe it’ll pan out differently.. I don’t know.
Thanks everyone for your advice. 🙂
Post # 23
@jaguar: it’s been hard for me, too. I have three friends that I’m really close with. No one is pregnant/TTC. One is a single mom of a 5 and 6 year old. It’s hard to have no one to relate to. I definitely lean on Darling Husband and read up on here! I feel like I have no one to share with in my day to day life.
Post # 24
@jaguar:I think when it comes to marriage and kids, being on opposite sides is really hard, because as much as you WANT to relate, you can’t. I have some friends who can’t wait to have kids, and they say some really nasty things to me because I know I don’t want them. They just can’t seem to get it through their heads that there are people in this world who don’t want to reproduce. I also have friends who already have babies and kids, and any time they talk about things with me and I give advice, they will look at me like “how could you possibly know anything, you don’t even WANT what I have!”. Forget the fact that I helped raise my little sister and cousins from birth, and I have been babysitting most of my life, and know a lot more about babies and things then they did before they got pregnant. Doesn’t matter, because to them, I should just listen and not speak. Most of the time its not that extreme, but you would be surpised as what some parents think they can say to their friends who don’t want to have kids. It can be very disheartening.
This is not to say that you are anything like that, but trust me when I say, when you don’t want kids and your friends do, its very hard to find common ground if that friend who wants them lets it take over their daily lives. There are way more people in this world who wants kids, than who don’t, so its just as hard if not harder on her as it is on you. Just do your best to make sure that you take babies out of the equation sometimes
Post # 25
I am a far, far better wedding guest now after having gone through my own, and I am a far, far better friend to TTC/pregnant friends now that I’ve been through it as well. I recently apologized to one of our good friends (who has a 3 year old) for not being that supportive after the baby was born… I just sincerely had zero idea what it was like to be that exhausted and overwhelmed, and I’d have had no clue how to be helpful.
Prior to TTC myself, I really couldn’t relate to the worrying and the anticipation and all the things that can go into it, and if a friend had tried to explain that… well, I’d have tried to listen and be supportive, but I just wouldn’t have gotten it. At all. So yeah, I think it’s hard, but I don’t think it’s that your friend doesn’t care- it’s just one of those things that’s really hard to relate to unless you’ve been there.
I’ll admit that it’s been way easier for us to maintain friendships with couples who are also parents/pregnant/TTC/interested in babies. We’ve actually reconnected with some of our friends who have older children, now that we’re also parents, so that’s been nice- we weren’t super close when they had infants, but now that they have toddlers/school age kids and we have an infant, I’m enjoying hearing about what their kids are doing (and I’m way more honestly interested than I used to be) and they enjoy hearing about what we’re going through and sharing their advice/experiences.
Post # 26
@Lozza: We’re DINKs who aren’t TTC and I think that your post was really applicable even from our standpoint – “It’s just one of those things that’s really hard to relate to unless you’ve been there”. Just like wedding planning/newlywed life was for my husband and I, cause none of our close friends are married.
@jaguar: So sorry you feel like she’s not supportive – maybe share it with someone who understands what you’re going through instead? Cause to be totally honest, I see the baby boards here and I feel bad for the TTC/IF struggles, but I just don’t get it, cause I haven’t been there. I don’t get the stress and the disappointment and the charting and the temperatures and the overwhelming joy when it finally does happen for you – TBH I didn’t know anything at all about that whole process before the Bee! – and while I try my best to empathize it’s just not a situation I can put myself into or even really be interested in until I’m there. Maybe that’s how your friend feels? There’s a difference between her trying to empathize with you and her being one of your only shoulders to lean on … that’d be overwhelming for me. Good luck with your support system, and best wishes for your TTC 🙂
Post # 27
@jaguar: I’m so sorry your friends aren’t supporting you.
I thought I would be able to talk to my best friend about *anything*, but the second I mention the words “pregnant” or “baby” she suddenly needs to get off the phone. I don’t talk about TTC/babies excessively – she just shuts me down the second I even hint at it. I get that she’s still single and has several people pregnant around her right now, but I’m shocked that she won’t support me. Who am I supposed to talk to, if not my best friend?
Post # 28
I agree with other posters that this is one of those things that can just happen with friendships. A lot of us have posted that having friends who are already married or don’t want to get married or are single can be difficult during the wedding planning process. I think that this is the same sort of thing. I can remember how pissed off I was when one of my already married with children friends told me to not worry about my wedding because “it’s only one day and not nearly as significant as having kids. Once you have kids, you’ll realise that this is all nonsense”.
I have to be honest that before we were TTC, I would find it kind of creepy to be told that someone else was “trying”. It’s a window into their sex life that I don’t need, which is odd because I’m super open to talking about sex…but TTC seems ultra-personal to me. I can totally see myself saying something like “oh! Good?!?” Even now, I don’t tell people really…because it’s just an awkward convo.
I had a friend who was married years before the rest of our group and she had problems conceiving. Everyone was super sympathetic, but didn’t really know what to say. It’s hard to empathize when you really know nothing about how that feels and can only acknowledge that the situation is painful for your friend. I know that she felt kind of left out…everyone is talking about going out to the bar or away for the weekend and she has to go to the doctor’s for tests.
Friendships DO change over time. Kids (not having them, having them, having different parenting styles, working mom vs. stay at home) can have a serious impact on friendship…and to a certain extent, I think that’s okay. Friendships grow and some drop away when situations change. Some peeps can’t see the other side of the fence or just don’t want to.
Post # 29
I went through something a little opposite – all of my friends and I got married within the same year or so and everyone started TTC around age 30. most of my friends got pregnant right away – within a few months of trying. I started trying a few months after they did. The problem is it took us a while longer (8 months and a miscarriage) so everyone was pregnant together and they have now all had their babies and i’m now just 7 weeks along. Same with my sister. She got pregnant one month 1 or 2 with both of her kids.
It was really hard for me to relate to their pregnancies and it was hard for them to relate to my struggles of not getting pregnant (since they all were VERY lucky to get pregnant right away). No one really understood the emotional toll that TTC for awhile can take (and add fertility issues into the mix….man, then people really can’t relate).
I don’t have any great advice except to be honest with your friends about what you are going through. After my miscarriage, I kind of pulled back a little bit from my friends who had new babies and felt like I couldn’t relate. It was too painful for me even though my friends knew I miscarried. I finally came clean to my best friend after she had her baby (and I still was not pregnant) that regardless of her attempts to include me in her life, I felt left out. We talked about it a lot, and I think then she really got to understand where I was coming from and took a bigger interest and sympathized with my situation. At the same time, I made sure that I took an equal (if not greater) interest in her new life, her new baby. And we made an effort to do the things that we like to do together, TTC and baby issues aside. Now that I’m pregnant, she’s interested in that and offering advice etc when needed.
If your friends are truly friends you guys will work it out. It can be tough, but you will.
Post # 30
I know how you feel – I’m not a mom yet, but we’re actively TTC for over a year now with a MC in between. My best friend, who is a mom, asked me how I know when I ovulate. She got pregnant on her first try, and so she has no idea what it’s like to struggle with TTC. I explained to her the whole fertility process and when the best time to get pregnant was. She had absolutely no idea…and why would she when they had gotten pregnant the first month they started trying.
So I can definitely understand that your BFF doesn’t understand a darn thing about the TTC process, but she should be a little more supportive in trying to learn from you how it all works. Once I explained it to my BFF, she got it and realized how small of a window you really have in order to get pregnant. The more you’re honest with her and explain how things work, the more sympathetic she’ll start to become. But it’s hard when you aren’t going through the same thing. You just don’t know what to say…
Post # 31
I’m not having babies yet (though my 30th birthday is rapidly approaching and making me think about having them a lot!). However, two of my best friends have both struggled to have children, so I think I have some of the friend perspective on this one.
One of my good friends adopted after over 5 years of infertility issues. The other is still trying. I think at various times I’ve been more supportive and less supportive. I have wanted to be a mom all my life, so I definitely understand the desire to be a mom. I know that it is heartbreaking to try with no success, and with one friend, I spent hours on the phone listening to her cry and trying to both console her and be a voice of reason when she needed it. She says that I got her through those years, and I have never been more honored than when I was able to be one of their references when they were going through the adoption process (which has resulted in a perfect baby being added to their family!!). However, there were definitely times when I just didn’t know what to say or do. Sometimes, there really is no answer that we can give, and we don’t know what to do or say to make you feel better. I know there were times I let her down because I just didn’t know what would help, and I chose the wrong approach for that moment. I hope your friends are like me and just don’t always know how to help. If they really love you (and I’m sure they do), I think talking to them and just letting them in on how important this really is to you and in what way you need them to support you might help a lot. Friends are just like husbands: sometimes, you have to say exactly what you need from us, and we’ll be more than happy to do just that!
With my other friend, she doesn’t tell my much, and it’s really hard to know what I should do to be a good friend to her. She’ll say stuff every now and then, but since I’m not really kept in the loop, it sometimes catches me off guard, and I’m sure I could react better. I totally understand that it’s her choice how much to tell, but it does make it more difficult to know what she needs from me. Do I bring it up? Do I not? Is this a time she actually wants me to really talk about it with her, or just let her know that I’m here? Because I know the high emotions tied into trying to get pregnant, it feels like a bit of a land mine when you’re trying to help a friend through it.
As a side note, also make sure you still take time to leave the TTC talk behind and talk to your friends about what’s going on in their lives. I’ve had friends tell me that my desire to be married, or my struggles with school, etc., wasn’t actually a big deal and I would “understand when you’re trying to have a baby.” Ouch. I am not at all saying you’re doing this, I’m just throwing it in because it was pretty hurtful.