(Closed) Friends Affair….suggestions needed…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I take back my word?
    No, it meant something big to her and your feelings are your issue doesn’t start judging her now : (10 votes)
    29 %
    Yes, things have changed you meant what you said but now things have changed : (24 votes)
    71 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9029 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    You should be honest and tell her how you really feel. That doesnt mean you are judging her but you just arent comfortable with hearing about her being with someone elses husband.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7311 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    I think you need to be honest with your friend about how conversations re. her relationship with a married man make you feel upset and uncomfortable. Reassure her that you want to be her friend still, and that you would simply like to find other topics for discussion.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2227 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    To me, honesty one of the most important things in a relationship, so long as it’s asked for. Also, I don’t think it’s judging to tell her that her behaviour hurts you (and more directly all the other women involved). If she asks you for advice or tells you of her exploits, my suggestion would be to tell her you’re nolonger comfortable talking about this. She’ll probably ask you why… you’ll probably have to answer. Ultimately though, if she values your opinion, it might sink in for her.

    Post # 6
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    There’s a good reason why this is all difficult for you to hear, because it is morally wrong. I think as her friend, you might want to remind her of that – in a nice way of course. Just say you’ve done your best to listen as a friend up until now, but it’s getting harder for you to hear. Say you’re worried for her and want her to do whatever is best for her, which you don’t think is continuing the affair.

    Post # 7
    Member
    907 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I couldn’t vote for either one. I don’t think u should judge her by telling her not to talk about it or saying its wrong. As her friend let her know how it makes u feel now that u r going to be married. For example ure fears or insecurity it can make u feel even if it is small. But don’t write her off as a friend or tell her she can’t talk about it. It may be wrong but ppl do things for lots of reasons and ure support may help her see she is better than that and find some one for her own.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Be honest with her. Tell her that you’re not judging her or her choices, but would prefer not to hear any more about this affair.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1131 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @bells:I totally agree 

    Post # 12
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I don’t know.  That is a tough one.  If she is expecting you to listen, I would be honest with her.  It is not that you do not love her as a friend, it is because you DO love her that you want her to know that you think what she is doing is not good for her.  That is tough though. 

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    1284 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think that telling her how you are feeling is probably the best route. It might be helpful for her to NOT have someone close by “enabling” her behavior. Good luck!!

    Post # 14
    Member
    2025 posts
    Buzzing bee

    i said “no, don’t take back what you said”, because in essence there’s nothing to take back. you told her that you did not agree, and that you had a hard time discussing it with her, but you wouldn’t judge her for it. that hasn’t changed. you still don’t agree with it, and it’s still hard to hear about it, the only difference is how hard it is to hear about it. 

    i agree with all other pp’s and tell her honestly that it’s difficult for you to hear about it because you are engaged and looking forward to a monogamous (sp?) marriage with your husband. 

    i know that it is hard, but i’ve recently had to step back from my own best friend’s relationship issues because i just couldn’t relate. and that’s okay, there is nothing that says you and your friend have to be on the same page. the only think you do owe her is your honesty. there are plenty of other things for you to talk about, and eventually one of three things will happen – she’ll realize that it’s not a healthy situation for her and leave him, they’ll continue the affair, or he’ll realize it’s not a healthy situation for him and leave his wife for her. that’s all. but all three of these outcomes is on them. 

    sometimes we just need to take a step back from our friends personal issues and let them decide for themselves. we can be there to morally guide them, and hope they listen, but ultimately, she’ll make her own decisions, and really, her decisions about her relationships don’t affect her relationship with you (at this point).

    Post # 15
    Member
    2442 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    People change and grow as you have.  Just as you respected her choice(s) she should respect yours.  Tell her how you feel and expect her to respect your position.  

    By The Way… Darling Husband has a friend that is doing the same thing as your friend.  Years ago they thought nothing of womanizing/cheating but now Darling Husband is in a different place and he has had to back away (not completely cut off but not talk as often and steer the topic of conversation away from his affair when they do talk)  from this friend because he no longer shares that dating philosophy.  

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