(Closed) Friends are trying to adopt, moral dilemma

posted 2 months ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
Post # 17
Member
5447 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Were they able to afford ivf without fundraising?

I wouldn’t worry about the finances so much, I believe the agency will review that

Post # 18
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I agree with a PP who said that money isn’t really the issue; the adoption agency will deal with the financial assessment.

Personally I’d try to get out of writing the letter if you don’t feel you can support them wholeheartedly. But otherwise I’d just say whatever positive things you can say genuinely. If you enthusiastically praise one partner without saying anything about the other, while making it clear that you’ve had opportunities to observe both of them with their children, the gaps in the letter will speak for themselves.

What I mean is something like this: “I’ve known Jane and John for X years, and I’ve had many opportunities to observe their interactions with Child #1 in both their home and ours. I’ve seen that Jane is an excellent parent, always attentive to Child’s needs and blah blah blah….”

Post # 19
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

penguin14 :  GoFundME is an amazing tool was creared for emergency fund raising and sadly people have taken advantage of it..and the worst part is that everytime someone uses this site for something not emegrnecy/life saving it deteriotes its value and pisses people off who stop going on it and therefore less funds go to actual emegrncies.. 

Your friends are one of those people, I am sorry but having a child is a choice.. it is a life or death scenario. Im sorry they had issues conciving first one but infertility is not anyones problem to pay for but theres.. emotional support and advice? Of course! But financial? No. That is for the parents to figure out

Like isaid if you need to gofundme the adoption fees then theres no way they can afford a second child and should not be trying until they can.

 

Post # 21
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee

I would just tell her a nicer variation of what you told us.

Friend, I see how hard you work and I have no doubt you would give another child your all to maintain a safe and loving home for them.  If I had to write just a reference letter for you, I would. But this is a letter for both of you.  When you tell me how hard it is being basically a single parent and struggling to make ends meet and I see your husband on his phone instead of with your child, it makes it really hard to write a strong recommendation.

Post # 23
Member
410 posts
Helper bee

I just want to throw out there that there is nothing inherently wrong with raising money to cover the cost of adoption! Whether Go Fund Me is the best place to do it or not, I don’t know. A close friend of mine recently completed the adoption of her son and raised money for the costs with a garage sale and a fund raising campaign. They can afford to care for and raise another child, it’s the $35,000+ cost of adoption that was a struggle. (Plus, it’s up to the individual whether or not they donate. If you don’t approve, don’t donate)

Now, in this case and with the facts presented, is fundraising appropriate? I’d lean towards no. They need to parent the child they already have and pay off at least a significant portion of the ivf debt before going further in debt.

I second a pp’s suggestion to sit down with the parent you’re closer to and gently ask about your concerns. Then either excuse yourself from writing the letter or write a sealed letter painting them in the best-yet-most-honest light possible.

Post # 24
Member
7667 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Complete aside because it sounds like this couple shouldn’t adopt – being able to afford IVF AND adoption fees is not something the average person can do. That doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t afford to care for their children. Coming up for $20k+ for IVF and then another $50k+ for adoption a couple years later is difficult for all but the most well-off among us. We’re about to try for our second kid and I don’t have a spare $50k lying around for adoption fees. But I have an emergency fund, adequate retirement savings, extra insurance coverage, a decent college fund already started for our 2 year old, and our only debt is our house. I can absolutely afford to take care of the child I have and another one even though I couldn’t afford an adoption fee right now. 

I do feel for this momma – it’s hard to feel like your family isn’t complete. That doesn’t mean you need to give money or write a letter to help it happen! Just scaling back the judgement a little would be kind. 

Post # 25
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with getting finanical support for adoption costs. It’s not fair to deny an orphan their forever home because the family doesn’t have 50k at their disposal. Dh and I could easily afford the day to day costs of another child right now, but saving 50k for adoption fees would take years. 

Secondly, I don’t think you should write the letter, because I don’t think you legitimately know the family well enough based on your expressed concerns. How do you know they struggle to make ends meet?…are they on food stamps/govt assistance? Are they in severe debt? Have they extensively opened up to you about their fanacial problems? As far as the parenting skills of the SAHP, I wouldn’t judge based on phone usage alone. As far as you know, your company is the first break/distraction for her baby they’ve had all day. I think it’s a little drastic to suggest they neglect their child based on that. 

Personally, unless there’s glaring financial distress, neglect, their child seems unhappy/unhealthy/etc., or there’s severely questionable parenting practices, I wouldn’t deny a child their forever home because their adoptive parents can’t afford to take them to Disney World every year, or won’t play patty-cake with them every day. Would you honestly feel growing up in their home would be worse than foster care? 

Post # 26
Member
2243 posts
Buzzing bee

kiram :  the thing is…these parents don’t want a child from the foster system. even if the child did go to foster care, people actually *want* small babies, so they’re severely less likely to end up aging out of the foster system than children over age 3. this couple actively wants to spend $50k that they don’t have on a newborn rather than adopting a child or fostering one that would be “too challenging” to deal with. 

Post # 27
Member
1804 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Just wanted to throw out there that I am a stay at home parent.  When I go out places with my husband when he is home, I almost always let him watch our toddler.  I literally chase her around all day every day, with minimal interaction from other humans.  It’s nice to be able to have a normal conversation with someone, or look at my phone, or have a cup of tea.  I hope people don’t assume I just ignore her all day because of this.

That said, it sounds like you really don’t like these people.  I would politely decline writing the letter.  Just say you aren’t good with words, and it makes you uncomfortable to have such an important responsibility.

Post # 28
Member
5447 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

happiekrappie :  my sisters girls are very sweet and we’ve opened our hearts to them, include them in family events, they come to my house to play with my daughter and swim, but challenging is a very good word for these sweet little girls. I have my own reservations about giving them even more of a sense of loss when they say goodbye to my daughter, but this time they are set to say goodbye in order to go home to mom, so it should be a positive for them

That’s another thing about fostering, the goal is to reunite the family so you have to say goodbye to the kids you care for

Post # 29
Member
2243 posts
Buzzing bee

Sansa85 :  that makes sense. I shouldn’t have put challenging in quotations. I do know that dealing with foster children can be tough, but it still breaks my heart when people act like they’re not good enough to adopt, and demonstrate that thought by attempting to raise $50k they can’t afford just to avoid having to deal with one :/

Post # 30
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Would you tell someone who conceived naturally that they should have adopted an older child in the foster system instead? My guess is no. Unless you’ve struggled with infertility than you’ll never know the heartbreak of never being able to have children. Parents want to be able to experience all stages of their child’s life. Missing out on any stage including the newborn/infant stage is a big deal and just because you choose to adopt doesn’t mean you should miss out on that stage. That time is priceless. How they choose to build their family is their business. If you feel so strongly about finding homes for older children than i suggest that you choose that route when you decide to build your family.  

happiekrappie :  

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