(Closed) Friends are trying to adopt, moral dilemma

posted 2 months ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
Post # 31
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

penguin14 :  if you do not feel comfortable writing this letter, than don’t do it. But to be honest, nothing of what you said makes them unfit parents. Infertility is heartbreaking and is devastating financially and emotionally. They were willing to sink themselves into debt because they yearned for a child of their own. Money that could have been used for own hobbies and enjoyment. Imagine how much more they could have done had they not pursued fertility treatments? But having a child was their priority. Fertility is soo taken for granted and it’s something that people don’t see the value in until they learn that their organs have failed them. Now they look at their child and picture their child’s life after they pass and would love for their child to have a sibling to grow up with and bond for years after the parents have gone. Ivf barely worked before as you have mentioned it was a miracle. So they have turned to adoption. It’s a shame that adoption is so ridiculously expensive. So many people make money off the process. How many parents do you know have $50k lying around? They may be able to support their children and provide happy and healthy lives but not have $50k for all the paperwork. 

Post # 32
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Its 100% your choice whether or not you feel comfortable writing a letter of recommendation regardless of reason. Adoption is a huge responsibility and changes lives forever. If you do not feel comfortable I would just say very plainly but kindly you’re honored they’ve asked you but at this time you’re not the right person to write the letter and you wish them well and hope they can understand. If they ask why I wouldnt get into it further than that and say it’s a private matter and I dont feel comfortable going into it, or make excuses (got alot going on, not in the right headspace whatever)

For all they know maybe you aren’t a good writer, it’s a sensitive topic, doesnt match your religious beliefs whatever the case may be it would be better for someone who can wholeheartedly provide a recommendation to do so and you do not need to provide a reason why in my opinion. At the end of the day It is up to the agency to decide their qualifications, I wouldnt stress bee. 

Post # 33
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

Turning it down is probably better but if you wanted to still write it focus on their story and the one parent but pretty much leave out the other parent. It will be obvious to the reader but this way the letter will be more positive.

Post # 34
Member
2485 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

penguin14 :  I would back out completely. I could not in good faith make a recommendation I knew was false and would impact not one but two children’s lives.  Also, may be unpopular opinion but they have a kid already that they can’t afford. Why set up a GoFundMe for something you already can’t afford? I can’t stand that people do that. Having multiple children is not necessary and if you can’t afford them you shouldn’t be having them or asking others to fund you having them. 

Post # 35
Member
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

It will be friendship ending but I think you should only do what you’re comfortable with. 

Post # 36
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee

I’m clearly in the minority here, but nothing that you posted makes them unsuitable parents and a lot of it seems like assumptions. How do you know they’re struggling to make ends meet? Have they told you this? Or are you just assuming because only one parent works and they’ve set up a go fund me for the adoption fees? Most people don’t have a spare 50k floating around, that doesn’t mean they can’t afford to look after a child. 

Also, struggling is a relative term, I’ve seen bees post they’re struggling financially because they don’t have 100k saved before they have kids. If they have enough money to pay the bills, put food on the table and pay for clothes and expensive hobbies they’re not struggling that much. IVF is very very expensive so they might be paying debt off aggressively for that. 

The thing about them going on their phones when they come round, maybe they just need a break for an hour or so? I imagine being a parent to a young child is hard and stressful, that’s a tiny window into their life, maybe they feel they can relax when they’re at your house and switch off a bit? 

It’s really none of your business what age child they are happy to adopt and why they’ve not chosen fostering either, no one asks people without fertility problems why they haven’t fostered or adopted so I’m not sure why people suddenly think they’re entitled to judge when it’s a couple with fertility issues. I’m sure they have good reasons for their choices and if they have set up a go fund me to help with the riculous fees then let them, no one is forcing anyone to donate. 

I feel really sorry for them because terrible parents without fertility problems can have kids in terrible situations and nothing stops them, yet a couple who are supposed to be your friends are potentially being prevented from having a child because you have made a judgment that their finances aren’t up to it and they spend too much time on their phones. Sorry, but this entire thread has really irked me. 

Post # 37
Member
5184 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m suprised at the amount of people saying if they can’t afford 50k up front for adoption then they can’t afford a child, what?  “What if they need something for schooo?” Wow a $500 ski trip and a 50k fee are not the same, and then first one isn’t even necessary.

Some of the aspects of your post sound really judgmental and it sounds like you’re using your own relationship to judge theirs.  Clearly you don’t like the partner in this relationship and criticize them for everything.  You complain about how much house work they do etc but that is really none of your business.  A Stay-At-Home Mom wouldn’t be expected to do all the housework just because they are looking after the kids while the other parent is at work. How they organize their childcare/housework is really their own business.  Maybe their agreement is the working parents takes on more of the childcare on the weekend since the SAHP is with them full time in the week.  It seems like a bit of a leap that because they are on their phone when they are at your house that they are a bad parent, it could easilt be viewed as their ‘day off’. 

It also seems like you are simultaneously judging the fact that you think they aren’t well off while criticizing the SAHP for having an expensive hobby.  They obviously aren’t “struggling” as you put it if they can afford to have one parent stay at home and also have luxuries.  It rubs me the wrong way that you specifically mention that it is the SAHP who has an expensive hobby, a SAHP is just as valuable in the relationship and isn’t more deserving of spending money than the working parent.  It is clear how much you look down on the partner and I wonder how much of your opinion is based solely on that. 

Again, what age kid they chose to adopt is non of your business. Many many couples chose to adopt a younger child over an older one, they are two different situations requiring different sets of skills and there is no shame in someone not feeling prepared to raise a 10 year old who has spend their life in foster care. 

Perhaps it is for the best if you don’t write this letter, however I think you will need to own up to that and step back from this friendship.  They deserve someone supportive as a “close friend”.

Post # 38
Member
7857 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I agree with the pp who feel that you’re making massive assumptions about this couple, particularly the SAHP. So what if he’s on his phone when you see him? That doesn’t mean much at all. He’s home with the child all day…unless you’ve got cameras installed and are spying on him then you don’t know that he’s a neglectful parent simply cause you see him on his phone during social gatherings. 

And I don’t know much about gofundme but I think pp have made good points about the $50k thing. It breaks my heart to think of all the children out there waiting to be adopted and the fact that there are so many people who could welcome those children into their families If it weren’t for this steep up front cost. 

Also totally think it’s inappropriate to judge them for not wanting to adopt an older child. That’s no different than judging a couple for doing fertility treatments “when there are so many living children waiting to be adopted.” 

All that being said, don’t agree to write the letter if you can’t be supportive. 

Post # 40
Member
7462 posts
Busy Beekeeper

penguin14 :  definitely don’t write this letter and have a heart-to-heart with working mom. Her partner isn’t a partner. My husband doesn’t “let” me go have dinner with my friends! I say “hey babe the girls are going out on Wednesday and I’m going to join them”. If there is some legitimate reason he can’t watch the kid (such as an OT shift at work I didn’t know about yet) then we’ll talk about it and see if we can work it out but that’s coordination not permission. 

That said I don’t think it should be on SAHP to be completely in charge of housework. Sure they can probably throw some laundry in or take the kid with them and do grocery shopping, but their primary job is childcare. Unless you want to raise a dud you need to be engaged with your child and teaching them things, not just making sure they stay alive each day while you focus on housework. 

Post # 41
Member
7857 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If all these “shortcomings” of the SAHP are things your friend has mentioned to you and has said upsets her, then I’d be gently asking her if she has concerns about bringing a second child into the family given all her existing frustrations with how her partner is handling just the one kid. 

Im a little sensitive to some of the things you’ve said because I stay at home with our baby (albeit while working part time), and I pretty much toss the baby to my husband as soon as he gets home because I need a break. I also would get very frustrated if 100% of the house keeping was expected to fall on my shoulders. I felt this way during my maternity leave too. Taking care of a child is a 24 hr job and it’s  not right that a SAHP should have zero help from the working parent with household chores. It also isn’t right that the working parent should get to come home and relax every night while the SAHP carries on with their “job,” which never really ends.

that being said, if it’s true he never “lets” her go out with friends without the baby, while he goes out almost every night…that obviously is very messed up. Have you brought these things up to your friend when she talks about wanting to adopt?

 

penguin14 :  

Post # 42
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think that you need to have an honest conversation with the working parent. She needs to kick this asshole to the curb, not bring another child into an already shitty and neglectful situation.

Post # 43
Member
11808 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You don’t have to give a reason if you don’t want to. Just say that you aren’t comfortable writing a letter like that and think it would be better if she asked someone else. 

Post # 44
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

ariesscientist :  To be honest, my first thought was to lean this way too, only because how can we really judge who will be a fit enough parents for a kid who needs a home?

But I think that is inherently where the problem lies, because with this letter, she is being asked to judge. The letter of recommendation is asking for her personal opinion on whether or not she can recommend them as suitable parents, and if she doesn’t feel she can, then she shouldn’t. Perhaps they could be good parents and someone else in their lives knows this better and should recommend them instead.

penguin14 :  Honestly, I think the best course of action (if you don’t want to lose this friendship but also don’t want to compromise your morals and lie) would be to tell your friend that you’ve been doing some research, and you realized that the strongest letters of recommendation come from people who know both the parents intimately, and your letter would be very one-sided as you don’t know her husband well enough to reflect him in a meaningful way. You can then ask her if there is someone else in their lives who would be better-suited as you want to give them the best chance they have at success. And then leave it at that and hope they have a back-up in mind!

Post # 45
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Agree with you as per usual zzar45 :  

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