(Closed) Friends are trying to adopt, moral dilemma

posted 1 week ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
Post # 47
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee

I had a similar situation with a friend who was applying to be a caregiver with autistic children specialty. She had gone to school for it. 

I gave the reference. It was a prepared sheet asking specific questions only. I answered them. 

I was worried it would ask me questions that pertained to her home. It was filthy, with animal shit and stunk of rotten food. 

But because she was not appling to care in her own home, I guess they did not ask. If they had, I just would not have compelted the questionnaire. 

I was ok with answering questions in my scope. It did ask me about her mental status. To which I replied that I am not a doctor not privy to her private medical records. 

I suppose they did their checks and she passed. 

I doubt they will ask you about her finances. They will do their own checks. They will ask about their parenting and relationship etc. 

But yes, if you aren’t comfortable, don’t do it. 

Post # 48
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

1) being infertile doesn’t mean ‘you should just adopt an older kids with a traumatic past because you can’t get pregnant on your own and you shouldn’t be spending 50k to adopt an infant’

2) most people would be damn hard pressed to afford adoption. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t grow their family. No one asks someone who gets pregnant on their own if they have $50k cash that they can part with immediately. I can very comfortably afford my daughter but I can’t easily write a check for 50k. 

3) their parenting style and relationship dynamics aren’t your cup of tea but that doesn’t make them unfit parents. Is their child loved, provided for and cared for? If yes- they’re great parents. Just because you disapprove of their spending habits or hobbies doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to grow their family.  

Post # 49
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

You are allowed to judge this family because you are asked to judge them by writing a letter of recommendation. By bowing out, you are actually being very thoughtful and kind to your friend since you won’t be writing an honest assessment of the situation, which would be negative. 

And from your description of the SAHP, he doesn’t sound like a good parent.

Post # 50
Member
3497 posts
Sugar bee

One of the parents has an older child that they do not support? Hard pass. Very hard pass.  I would tell them you can’t do this in good conscience. 

Post # 51
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2019

This is definitely a tricky situation. If you are wanting to preserve the friendship with the working parent, you might ask her to lunch and tell her that admire her commitment to motherhood, but that you don’t know her SO well enough to write the kind of letter of support you think she wants. You might add that you feel honored to be asked, but feel like someone close to BOTH of them would be a better choice. 

Post # 53
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

penguin14 :  I am adopted myself and I find it so frustrating to have to hear that the parent so badly wants another child, so she should what, just get to have one because she wants one? She clearly doesn’t understand the point of having a child if she is putting her desire to have another child above the actual needs of that child. 

What that child needs is a good stable home and parents who can afford it. That child doesn’t need a parent whose only goal is to get another kid because she is desperate for one. 

If It were me in your situation, given me being adopted I would feel obligated to write a letter to the agency detailing why i thought their desire for another child wasn’t rooted in wanting to offer a home to a child in need, but rather to fulfill their own desires for another child which doesn’t benefit the adoptive child whatsoever. 

Here is the thing. If they aren’t willing to adopt any older kids, or any special needs kids they are specifically taking a baby away from other parents who are good parents and deserve to be able to adopt. Babies are rare to be able to adopt and much more in demand. So if your friends don’t end up getting to adopt a baby, that baby will be FINE. It has plenty of parents out there that want that baby and are prepared for it and for the right reasons. This couple of yours wanting to adopt simply because they want another kid? Sorry not a good enough reason. 

I would write that letter, sealed and directly to the agency regardless. I would put in your concerns about the older children they don’t parent from previous relationships and voice your concerns about their plan for caring for a new child to be not realisitc given finances, and committment level to their current child. Frankly, who cares what these friends of yours want. The potential child they could end up adopting comes first, that child deserves better. 

I am also of the camp that strongly believes that it is in the child’s best interest for their birth parent to get custody cut off earlier rather than the parent given multiple chances. My brother is also adopted and his parents got him back 2 times after screwing up. By that time he was 7 and the damage was done. If the courts had cut off his parent the first time when he was 2 i am sure he would be a completely different person. Child always comes first. Period. 

Post # 57
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

From my own experience with adoption, I remember adoption agencies wanted quite a bit of information about finances, so I think that the agency will be evaluating their ability to support another child financially.

I eventually adopted an older child through foster care, but I don’t judge people who want infants or choose private adoption agencies. For two years my daughter lived in my home before becoming legally free for adoption, so I never knew if I would have to say goodbye to her. That’s not something everyone can handle.

Remember that couples who have only biological children also could also have chosen to adopt foster children but didn’t.

Post # 58
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

I’m pretty grossed out by the complete lack of empathy in these comments. Funding adoption is nearly impossible for A LOT of people. Fantastic couples with good income are struggling to make adoption fees. That doesn’t mean they can’t afford the cost of raising a child. Most of us don’t have a spare $50k+ sitting around, especially those who have also just gone through expensive fertility treatments. 

Should we all just never buy homes unless we can afford to pay the full cost in cash before closing? There are very few loans and resources available for those who wish to adopt. While I wouldn’t personally start a GoFundMe for my own adoption, I would certainly contribute to someone else’s if I thought they were otherwise fit parents. 

It sounds like you don’t think these two ARE fit parents, so you shouldn’t lie. That said, judging them for not being able to afford the adoption fees (whilst also maintaining their ongoing lives) is pretty crappy. Not to mention, have you stopped to think that maybe the reason they’re always “poor” is BECAUSE they’re saving? My husband and I have a very comfortable combined income, but we still lived paycheque to paycheque in the year leading up to purchasing our home (by choice) so that we could save up the largest downpayment possible. It’s entirely possible that they are saving a decent amount on their own, but are also asking for community help because that’s the world we live in now. 

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