(Closed) Friend's baby died. I'm 9mos pregnant. Should I attend funeral?

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
11389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I agree that your compassion is remarkable.

I would go, because the bottom line is she will always remember who showed up to memorialize her daughter. Even if seeing you is hard, and she might not know how she will react in advance, she will also know that you care and that’s the most important thing.

if it’s tough for her you can always leave early. 

 

Post # 17
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Miss Mochaccino :  It shows you are a very caring person to think about this poor soul during her time of mourning. 

Since your husband has been helping the couple and you were invited to the services I think you should go. If you hadn’t been invited then she may not want you there, but she took it upon herself to invite you. It is only right that you do go.

Post # 18
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

I think you should go. I recently lost my little girl pretty far along and, while everyone is different, it meant the world to me to know people cared. Including my two sisters (both due within weeks of me) and 3 of my closest friends who are pregnant. Yeah sometimes its hard wondering why they all got to keep their babies and I didn’t, but I am genuinely happy for them and can’t wait to meet their little ones. My biggest advice would be to keep showing up after the service (cards, texts etc like you mentioned) because its easy to feel like everyone is back to normal life and forgot anout you and your baby.

Post # 19
Member
4187 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

View original reply
Miss Mochaccino :  You’re a wonderfully considerate friend! I don’t have any experience with this, but I would go, as you were invited and your presence will likely be a source of comfort for your friend. As others suggested, just try to read her reaction. If she seems sad at the sight of your baby bump, then you can keep a distance or leave early. Hopefully you’ll be well received though!

Post # 20
Member
4227 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

If I were in your shoes I’d be stressing out over this decision too! I think it’s really great of you that you care enough to worry.

Because she invited you, it’s clear she wants you there. I’d go 🙂

Post # 21
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - backyard in the woods

Looks like I’m in the minority here, but after years of infertility struggles myself, and huge and very sudden loss in my life, my view is different than most. I would honestly call and ask her. Tell her that you want to be there to support her but you don’t want her seeing you to make an already awful day worse. Tell her there will be absolutely no hard feelings if she says no, do not come, and emphasize again that you want to do whatever is best for her. If you don’t get a response from her, then don’t go. Instead, have your husband go and bring a card with flowers that explains excatly why you are not there.

Also, and this is even more important- reach out to her in the coming weeks and months. Everyone is always super supportive around the time of the funeral, and then they disappear as their lives go back to normal, while you are suddenly alone and all your support has disappeared. Don’t wait for her to instigate connection later on, you must make it. After such a huge loss the grieving often won’t have the energy neccessary to reach out for the support they need. Be a constant presence in her life, even if it’s just to call and say hello if she’s not up to getting together.

Post # 22
Member
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Definitely go. She will never forget who was there for her and who was not. I’d try to keep a low profile (insofar as that is possible), but it is important that you go.

Post # 23
Member
1939 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You should go, you were invited, don’t overthink this, show your support by attending and read the situation when you are there. If she’s visibly upset by the sight of your pregnant state a simple heartfelt “I understand” would be enough, filter to the background and leave as early as would be polite. 

Post # 24
Member
9399 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

ETA: I had advice but then read the one right above me and liked that way more.  Go, if you notice it’s upsetting her then leave.

Post # 25
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

View original reply
Miss Mochaccino :  I lost my son when he was a month and a half old, under different circumstances than your friend, but he was in the nicu for most of his short life. I had numerous pregnant friends, and they all came to his funeral, and I was glad they did. My nine month pregnant friend drove in from three hours away and my seven month pregnant friend flew in from half way across the country, and it made me so happy that they came to support me. 

Long story short, yes, I would go if I were you. Once you actually have the baby it might be hard for her to see you at first, but by being there for her now, you can hope to continue your relationship in the future. 

Post # 26
Member
8435 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Ask her, if she wants you there then go.  If she thinks it will upset her, send a card, some flowers and/or a gift.

Post # 27
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

This is a tough one.  I’ve not dealt with that loss, but have a cousin (stillbirth at 8 months) and friend (baby die at 10 months old) who have.  At my cousin’s funeral, she was in a complete fog and almost no one went up to her because her husband was basically holding her upright.  I don’t think she was aware at all who was there or not there but maybe a 9-month pregnant woman may have upset her?  

With my friend, she remembers every single one of the over 200 that were there and even exactly what they said to her (or did not say).  Maybe your friend is more in this place, as she’s had time to prepare for the death and the grieving as it wasn’t a sudden shock.  Tough call.

Post # 28
Member
911 posts
Busy bee

You are a good friend to think of her feelings. Since you were invited, I think you should go and support her. So sorry for your friends’ tragic loss.

Post # 29
Member
2852 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
Miss Mochaccino :  You should go. I have a really good friend whose 2-yr-old passed and one of the hardest things on her was that people distanced themselves or were afraid to speak his name. People didn’t know what to say, so they said nothing. People didn’t know how to act, so they disappeared. People didn’t know how soon she’d be up for going back to normal life, so they stopped asking her to things. People didn’t want to hurt her feelings or get her crying, so his name became taboo to everyone but her.

She’s going through the worst time of her life and she needs you, pregnant or not. Mostly though, this is about her child. A child that existed, a child that was loved, a child that needs to be acknowledged and celebrated, despite the fact she’s no longer here. As a mother who lost her child, she needs to know that her child isn’t something to be avoided in conversation and that her child has people who cared about her, who loved her, who will miss her. She needs to know she’s not alone in her grief, even if it’s hard for you and hard for her. A mother wants to talk about her child, she wants to still feel like a mother even if her arms are empty – it’s hard, it’s awkward, but she will appreciate your presence. 

I truly applaud your compassion and thoughtfulness though – you sound like a wonderful, loving friend! She’s lucky to have you!

Post # 30
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Beach

This just broke my heart cry. I think you should go. As grief stricken as she is I’m sure she understands and would appreciate your support.

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