Post # 1
I went through a bad break up about a year ago and have dated a lot this past year. Most guys I was either indifferent to or just didn’t like. One of my best friends would always be super supportive of me dating and even when I said I wasn’t into the guy she would tell me to give them another chance, etc. I’m 32 (almost 33). I recently started going on a few dates with a 29 year old guy I met on an app (maybe 7 or 8 dates total). He lives on the opposite part of my town but has always made an effort to come to me since I get out of work later, contacts me regularly, plans stuff in advance. He seems like he definitely likes me and has told me he’s looking for a real relationship. Our dates have mostly consisted of meeting for drinks or dinner or coming over to my apartment and we’ve cooked. I also went with him to a friend’s birthday party (just at a bar, not dinner or anything formal) on our 3rd date after we had met for dinner.
I have a really close friend who has known me for a few years and has seen me go through 2 bad breakups (one with an older guy who had serious commitment issues, and once with a guy more my age who just was focused on partying/worked all the time/ didn’t really care about me and made zero effort). I could tell as soon as I told her about this guy she was not into it – she rarely asked questions and the questions she did ask seemed to be skeptical. Almost every guy I’ve gone out with this year she’s been like “give him a chance!” etc. She finally admitted it’s because of his age and the fact that he introduced me to his friends super early which means he’s just looking for something casual. A guy who was serious about a real relationship wouldn’t do that. I mentioned that he’s gone out of his way to come to my neighborhood/apt and she said “well yeah he has to he has 2 roommates”.
I am still feeling out this guy myself and he’s not my boyfriend but I’d say we’re “dating” and getting to know each other. I don’t want to have to defend him when I’m not even in an exclusive relationship with him. He is younger than me and maybe more into going out and drinking than I am now (even though I still do like to drink). I don’t know if me meeting his friends early is bad or not. I’m weird about meeting friends/family so I usually wait for at least a month or 2 to introduce, but I’ve met my last boyfriends friends between date 3 – 5.
All I know is that her opinions really upset me and now I feel like something I was enjoying is now just making me uncomfortable and stressed knowing that one of my best friends already hates someone that could be my boyfriend if things go well. I don’t understand why she has been so supportive of every guy this year (even the ones I didn’t like) and is really so against this guy. I think maybe it’s because he reminds her (on paper) of one of my exes. Unfortunately what my closest friends think does affect me and now I am wondering if I should just end this and maybe she IS seeing red flags that I am missing.
I was just wondering what anyone else thinks. If you need more details let me know.
Post # 2
I don’t think your friend is being unreasonable, you only found out about her feelings when you pushed her so it isn’t as if she was immediately shooting him down with no information. Given that one of your relationships broke down because the guy has commitment issues she is probably looking out for you. Obviously it isn’t impossible that this guy wants the same things as you, but given you are 33 and he is 29 it is likely that you are at different stages of your life. He might not be as quick to think about marriage or children as you would for example.
That might not be an issue for you. It doesn’t sound like she hates him, it comes across like she just wants you to be cautious and make sure you have considered everything. You don’t have to take her feelings on board.
Post # 3
I don’t think you should end it just because of what your friend says. I also don’t think you should rule him out just because of his age. One of my friends dated a guy a 5 years younger than her and now they are married. She was the first one in our group to get married even though everyone else’s boyfriends were older.
Has your friend met the guy yet? Maybe she will feel differently once she meets him. Either way, only you can know and decide if you should continue seeing him. And so far, he sounds like a good guy. He’s even told you he’s looking for a relationship. I’ve been around the apps when I was single and most guys who are looking for casual won’t contact you regularly or make plans in advance, especially if you live across town!
Post # 4
I don’t think 29 and 32/33 are a big difference at all. My husband is three years younger than me and he’s more mature than I am!
Post # 5
I suppose I have the same fear with the age difference. I know he likes to go out with his friends and most of his friends are not married, while most of mine are or are getting married. Every time I’ve mentioned our age difference he is always like “you’re not that much older than me!”. I know it’s not about the number but the life stage. Also FTR I am in no rush for marriage or kids (even though I know I’m in my 30s, I’m getting my eggs frozen), I just want to be in a stable, committed relationship with trust, love, and quality time.
Post # 6
I don’t actually think she’s being reasonable. If he’s making an effort and you are getting a good vibe, give it a go by all means. One of my best mate – he’s the youngest of us – was the first to get married and is now the first to be a father. Starting a family was always a top priority for him, and his wife is actually 2-3 years older than him, too.
I also don’t see how getting introduced to friends early is a bad thing! My now-husband asked me to come meet his family something like two weeks into our relationship and I met a bunch of his friends after a month or so – and they actually told me later that he’d told them about me after the second date because he’d been so excited for them to meet me.
I also made sure to introduce him to my friends early to see if they got bad vibes from him (because I didn’t).
Give him a shot!
Post # 7
Do you have a history of being blind to men who aren’t treating you well? If that’s the case, she might just be trying to keep you grounded.
Youre right that it’s a good thing that he comes to you in the sense that a guy who always makes you go to him sucks. I also think being a date to a party early on doesn’t necessarily mean much either way — I’ve met many girls at parties who were early stage dating some guy who I was friends with who I never saw again— and some who went on to become wives.
After age 25 I don’t think age is predictive of how likely a guy is to commit. A lot of men marry girls they start dating at 25, and there are plenty of commitment phobic 35 year olds.
Post # 8
I met my D H when he was 29 and I was 33 (on Tinder of all places) and we were both looking for a stable, long term relationship. So I don’t think that age difference is a big deal. I would listen to what your friend has to say, but continue your relationship with this guy as well. There doesn’t seem to be anything huge that you are missing, at least from what you have described here.
Post # 9
So, she has no basis to judge other than age and him introducing you to his friends? Umm, I’d just ignore her for now. She’s obviously not as supportive as she acts.
You can keep her updated on your relationship with this man once you’ve figured it all out. No reason for her input at this stage.
Post # 10
sarahj1238 : “She finally admitted it’s because of his age and the fact that he introduced me to his friends super early which means he’s just looking for something casual. A guy who was serious about a real relationship wouldn’t do that. “
I’m confused as to why this is supposed to be a bad thing. I certainly wouldn’t describe it as a red flag.
Post # 11
llevinso : her reasoning was we had only gone on 3 dates so it’s not like he’s introducting me to his friends bc I’m a girl he’s really interested in, it just seems more like I’m a casual girl who will be tagging along with him and his friends. I think she’s looking at it like she doesn’t want it to end up being me just tagging along with his friends and not dating in a more mature way like dinner, movie, cooking, etc.
Post # 12
I find it strange that your friend reads him introducing you to his friends early as a sign he only wants to be casual. I don’t understand her logic on that one. If a guy has no interest in remaining involved with you, why would he want his friends to meet you?
IMO, meeting his friends this early doesn’t mean he is interested in something serious, but it also isn’t a sign that he’s not interested in something serious. It just means that he has no reason to hide your existence from his social group, which I honestly have a hard time seeing as a negative thing.
I can understand her feeling a bit wary about the age difference, but it’s not a particularly significant gap – certainly not a large enough gap that it sets my alarm bells off. Unless she has met him or you’ve told her things about him that make it clear he is quite a bit less mature than what you need at this point, I just don’t see the problem.
However, because she has seemed so intent on encouraging you to keep giving guys chances but suddenly is expressing wariness about this guy, it is worth asking her to be more specific about what her concerns are and what about him / his behaviour is setting off her alarms.
She could very well be seeing red flags that you’re missing, so it’s worth giving her a chance to point them out, but if she is unable or unwilling to point to any specific behaviours or issues she is seeing from him and all she offers up is that he’s too young and she thinks meeting his friends so early is weird, I’d tell her that her opinion has been noted but you disagree and would like it if she would give him a chance without making negative assumptions about him right off the bat.
Post # 13
For the record, I love my friend and I don’t think she’s unreasonable in general. I’m just upset because this is the one person I’ve liked all year and she’s being really skeptical and making me doubt things/making me think if they were ever to meet he’s already pre-judged.
Post # 14
woahthisjustgotreal2018 : I think you make a great point about introducing to friends early to get their opinions, however, since I do tend to let what other people think affect me, I’m scared that will sway my opinion. But maybe I’m wrong because sometimes people see things we cant? I just always take that stuff seriously and don’t like to introduce men until I think it’s a real thing. But I am reconsidering
Post # 15
To me it doesn’t sound like she disapproves of, or HATES, this guy…she just has concerns. Considering she’s been your best friend for years and has supported you through 2 bad breakups, she’s probably just trying to look out for you and help manage your expectations. Perhaps she’s worried you’ll get attached too quickly, or something? Whether I personally agree with her reasoning behind her concerns or not, I don’t think she was necessarily out of line, and definitely wasn’t trying to hurt you. Consider her advice, and if you don’t think it’s fair, you don’t have to take it to heart. She doesn’t know him–she hasn’t even met him. I understand why she’d share what she perceives as a red flag (because she’s so close to you) but her perception is very limited right now. Take it with a grain of salt