Friend's disapproval of guy I've been seeing

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 31
226 posts
Helper bee

sarahj1238 :  I can’t see any reason for you to take your friends advice to heart here bee. After all, this man is 29 not 20. There’s every chance he’s as mature as many 35 y/o’s. 

Re the being introduced to family/friends thing – I dont see this as neccassarily being an indicator of him only looking for something casual. Many people would have no trouble casually introducing a new partner to friends on a 2nd or 3rd date, with every hope that the relationship will continue into the long term. Your friends attitude here seems somewhat strange and/or outdated to me.

Post # 32
399 posts
Helper bee

Hi Bee,

Your friend probably has your best interests at heart. You’ve had two bad breakups. I looked at your previous threads and it seems like you get really excited really quickly when you meet someone. 

I may be reading this the wrong way, but I saw the “red flags” your friend described as a way to encourage you to slow down, take your time getting to know this guy, and not get hurt. I know I’ve said similar things to a particular friend who is heart on her sleeve, all in from the get go. Not that a four year age gap is a red flag, but “hey friend, he’s a bit younger than you, he might not be at the same lifestage, take it slow and get to know him, see where he is at.”

You are eight dates in. Are you seeing other people? You’ve described yourself as non-exclusive, but are you treating him like an exclusive partner? I was at a bar one night and a drunk lady beside me was spilling her heart out to a man beside her. He told her “You might be his girlfriend, but he is NOT your boyfriend.”

It sounds exciting, I’m glad after a year of dating you’ve met someone you like (as someone who was single for around seven years, I know how exciting it is to click), make sure you take your time though and watch out for actual red flags. I am sure your friend just has your best interests at heart.

Post # 33
3884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

“Her reasoning was we had only gone on 3 dates so it’s not like he’s introducting me to his friends bc I’m a girl he’s really interested in, it just seems more like I’m a casual girl who will be tagging along with him and his friends”

Huh?? This is some weird convoluted logic. He invited you to come to a birthday party with him because he likes you and he likes his friends. To read anything more into this is silly. He’s doing proper dates with you. I don’t get her issue. 

Re the age thing: people are TOTALLY fine with age gaps when it’s the guy who’s a few years older. But when the woman is older, suddenly it’s weird? No. Three years is a perfectly usual age gap. She’s bringing her biases to the table and there’s no call for it.  Don’t worry about it. Keep dating him if you like him, your friend will come around. 

Post # 34
3533 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

sassy411 :  “putting up with” house dates? 

You realize that some people legitimately enjoy and prefer staying in over going out, right? There’s nothing wrong with that. 

One of the things I always hated about dating was how much time and effort and money it took, so I was always relieved when after a few dates things seemed to click enough with a dude that we could feel comfortable just chilling at one of each other’s places instead. 

It’s nice to go on dates once in a while, but multiple times a week is fucking exhausting for a lot of people. 

Post # 35
1253 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think the age difference is big enough to be an issue, it’s more about a conversation about what each of you are looking for in terms of relationship marriage and starting a family. If you’re on the same page then no problem.

Regarding meeting friends, usually it’s because someone is excited to have you meet their friends, especially in this case it was a special occasion (friends birthday party) not like the boys are down at the pub and he calls you over to join them. Sure it could be a red flag if you feel like he’s coming on too strong overall and you’re not moving at the same speed / would like to slow down, but if that’s not the case, again I see no problem with meeting friends on the third date.

Post # 36
10859 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sarahj1238 :  

Thanks for clarifying, Bee.

Never be too quick to allow the house date thing to get started.

Post # 37
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I had a boyfriend I didn’t introduce to my friends for ages after we started dating- maybe 6 months. In retrospect, that should have been a red flag for me, about my subconscious feelings about him. In my gut I knew he wasn’t long-term relationship material. Everything we did was on his terms, I became friends with his friends (who were great!) but I think I worried about how he would act in front of my friends, that he’d be a bad fit with them. 

With my husband, we met each other’s friends early on. My sister was visiting me a month after we started dating and we hung out with her and they got along great. I think it’s actually a good sign that someone wants to keep you around, if they want to integrate you into their group.

Post # 38
399 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  

My mum has always drilled the “house dates” too. She lost it on me when I had my boyfriend over for dinner on our 14th date. Overall I am super wary of people who try to have me over for dinner on a second or third date, but I have other friends who think it is sweet. Who knows.

Post # 42
399 posts
Helper bee

sarahj1238 :  

We all get excited, it happens. I just posted on another thread about how I deleted my dating app after six dates with my current boyfriend because I got tipsy and was obviously excited about him.

I do think your friend is just looking out for you.

I don’t know that age is a huge red flag, it might be relevant depending on how soon you want to have kids (if ever), but that is something you can work out.

I don’t read a lot into meeting friends early. I have friends who bring guys out in group settings on a first date, and other friends who I won’t meet the dudes they are dating for months. I don’t think it’s a “red flag” you met his friends casually early on, I also don’t think it’s a “green light”.

Have fun 🙂 

Post # 43
3795 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

sarahj1238 :  My Fiance and I met when he was 29 and I was 33. He met a handful of my friends/family on our second date, I met a handful of his friends/family on our 3rd date which happened to be a “home date” because we lived 2 hours apart. I can understand how a friends opinion would make you second guess yourself for a minute, but I think she made a snap judgment about things that are either incorrect (like your dates being too casual) or don’t actually have a negative impact on the quality of relationship/connection you potentially have (like the age gap). You may want to point blank ask her what her beef is with you dating this guy so you can clear the air about it, sounds like she has some misconceptions. If she’s as good a friend as you say, she’ll be willing to hear you out and be happy for your happiness. 

Post # 44
6834 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sarahj1238 :  “I also think there is a difference between a home date like me going to his apartment, netflix and chilling, and hooking up and like actually cooking together and talking and whatnot.  Agree that shouldnt be the thing first 1 – 4 dates but I think after that, if you’re comfortable with it and the guy is still putting in effort to do other stuff, is it that big of a deal?”

I agree with you. But asking us if it’s a problem isn’t really going to get you anywhere. People date differently. I know several couples that got married after starting their “relationships” as hook up buddies that met via Tinder. It’s not a one-size-fits-all sort of thing. You just need to be aware of your own red flags and try not to get carried away and swept up too quickly. That doesn’t mean dismiss everything your friend says, but again, she hasn’t met him, so take her words with a grain of salt for now. Try to have fun! 

Post # 45
3737 posts
Sugar bee

My husband and I had house dates from like date 2 on…mixed in with other things here and there, but lots of those. Been together for 8 years and have our second child on the way. But yeah…house dates are BAD. *eye roll*

Do your thing OP.

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