Friends do not seem happy

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m wondering if they just don’t know what else to talk about since you’re the first to get married?  I remember going through something similar when the first girl out of my friend group got engaged.  The other friends would talk about our future weddings because, well, we thought that would be a common denominator.  We couldn’t relate to the bride because none of us were yet in that point in our own relationships, so instead of just sitting there saying “that’s nice”, we did talk about what we wanted, but not in a competitive way. 

As far as the house comment and asking if you can afford to decorate it, I don’t find that comment that bad.  Heck, I’ve asked my friends the same question.  Especially if you are young, they are probably wondering what you are doing to afford everything.

Yeah, I’m sure there is a bit of envy going on and they’re not hiding it.  But when I was in your friends’ position and my friend the bride kept talking about her own wedding, it was kind of awkward, even though I was completely happy for her, because I couldn’t relate.

If they’ve been really good friends for a long time, chalk it up to being in different stages in life.  If they haven’t been then maybe you’ve outgrown their friendships.  But I always ask if it’s “everyone” that’s acting a certain way, it’s usually more a reflection on the OP than the others.

Post # 17
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Girl I’m in a very similar situation but with one of my own family members, I would just laugh and keep on with your planning hun, the more jealous they get the more planning you should do lol!! They keep talking about WHEN they get engaged and WHEN they get a house, both things you already have so who cares what they think. Honey, they can’t up-stage you talking about their imaginary house and their imaginary engagement, the fact that you ALREADY have those things gives you an immediate advantage. Whether the house is decorated or not you have a HOUSE girl! You can’t let other people’s jealousy ruin this for you, I know its hard when these are people you want to be happy for you and they SHOULD be happy for you but they aren’t. Congrats bee!!

Post # 18
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains

I’m guessing you are all in your early to mid 20s? I think there’s some natural jealous reactions here, especially with the friends that talk about their hypothetical wedding when they aren’t even engaged. Believe it or not, I’m the second person in a group of friends from undergrad that’s getting married. We’re all almost 40. There’s nothing wrong with my group of girls but I do think that as we stayed single our careers took over and it was more difficult to date.

When I annouced my engagement one of them was noticeably silent. I knew my engagement would be hard for her. As I’ve gotten older I’ve watched many a young bride get married when I was 10 years older than them. I admit, there were times I was jealous. We have a society that is quick to assume that if a woman isn’t married by a certain age then something is ‘wrong’ with her. I always wondered if I was going to grow old alone. I have some gorgeous girlfriends around my age who have no interest in marrying though they could have a boyfriend at the drop of a hat. Different strokes for different folks.

I wouldn’t say that these ‘jealous’ friends aren’t necessarily your friends but it takes some time to accept something that may or may not happen for them.

Post # 19
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

“How nice for you that your theoretical proposal, wedding, house, and furniture are better than what I actually have. Who wants another drink?”

Post # 20
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
classicbridalbliss :  your friends are assholes. 

Post # 21
Member
2735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

“Friend, I’m sure this is something you don’t realize you’re doing, but every time I bring up my wedding, home, or future, you tend to drop in a comment that makes it about you instead. Is there something that’s bothering you that we could talk about? I’m very excited for my future and want my friends to feel happy for me, rather than like it’s some kind of a competition. So, seriously… what’s up?” 

Post # 22
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee

It depends on how good a friend you are with these girls. Can they handle some criticism? Or no? My coworker who is constantly trying to compete with my 1year + relationship when she is only 4 months in with her new boyfiend would be unable to handle any conversation calling out her behavior. So I have had to just try to avoid her as much as possible as i know i can’t change her behavior. 

So, If these girls are capable of being compassionate understanding people than you can take each aside priately and tell them that their comments are hurting your feelings. Something like, I am having a hard time with how conversations about my upcoming wedding are turning into conversations about what your wedding would look like, or how your house would be better or different etc. It hurts my feelings as I really don’t want to feel like we are in competition and this is my time to be excited for my wedding. When its your turn and your getting married I want to celebrate that with you, and im sure you would want the focus to be on you too. 

If they aren’t capable of changing or accepting criticism than you gotta switch tactics. 1) See them less. 2) Talk to the girls who are kind and excited for you about things and not these rude girls. 

3) think out some things you could say in response when they do that to shut them down. 

– I didn’t realize this was a competition? (Asked like a serious question)

– It would be great if I could talk about my wedding and house without getting one upped, thanks. 

– When you get married and buy a house we can talk about that all you want, right now can we focus on my wedding?

– Did you guys get engaged or married when i wasn’t looking?! Why are we talking about this? ( with a kind of laughing, im joking voice) 

-Can we stick to my wedding and house? There will be plenty of chances to talk about your choices when you get married and buy a house. 

Or the blunt approach – Guys i gotta say I am getting very hurt by all these comments about what you all would do instead of just hearing my plans and being happy for me. Do you all think you could just listen and be excited with me instead of going into what you all would do when its your turn? 

 

Post # 23
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Those aren’t friends, they’re assholes. Real friends would never talk to each other like that or act like that. I’d drop them completely. I’ve had toxic “friends” before. You have no idea how good it’ll feel to have all that drama gone from your life. It’s like you can finally breathe for the first time and you feel free. 

Post # 24
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

Enough people have already made it clear that your friends suck and are being petty and jealous, so I won’t beat a dead horse.

Something that has helped me to keep things in perspective and not lose my cool, is to just remind myself that people plan, dream, and look forward to these big events a large portion of their life.  So when their close friend is going through those things, it’s natural to want to talk about your dream with them too when the subject comes up.  Not to say they should overshadow you and cut down your accomplishments though. 

I also realize that when it comes to houses (we’re the first to buy of our friends too), people always think they know better until they actually go through it. Try to let it roll off your back, and realize that they’ll have a rude awakening when they purchase their own home. 

Post # 30
Member
1600 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You are moving into the next stage of life without them. They want to be where you are and are trying to find common ground. They aren’t handling it well, but I don’t think it makes them pure evil. 

 

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