friends from different economic situations

posted 8 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
8530 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

penny1403 :  “I am hoping this won’t come off as snobby because that is not my intention.” — Well, what is your intention when your title specifically says “different economic situations” but then the post is about criminals, drugs, and “trashy people“? Because that sure seems to be saying poor = trashy. Yuck. 

Post # 3
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

penny1403 :  Agree with PP, you sound incredibly small minded here. You’re putting a really terrible label on people who don’t come from ideal backgrounds and who don’t make as much as you do.

Post # 4
881 posts
Busy bee

penny1403 :  I think the first thing you need to understand is that this is not an economic class issue, this is a personality conflict.  If you do not want unhealthy, toxic, unstable people in your life that is your right.  If your partner has a tendency to keep them around and be drawn to them, then you can have a conversation about social circles and healthy boundaries.

If you don’t want someone in your life who doesn’t fit a feigned level of privilege you are attempting to portray, then it is an entirely different issue.

You knew the woman’s past when you hired her, and frankly her office should be aware of her monitor – at minimum HR and her supervisors. Don’t help people who you don’t feel comfortable representing you at your company.

It seems like you walked into this with open eyes and then responded negatively, and are now asking advice. So, draw your own boundaries and then ask your partner where his are and make an agreement as to who and what you keep in your lives.  Keeping toxic people out: ok.  Telling your partner to remove people from his life because they’ve had “difficult pasts” or you don’t like how they dress = not ok.

ETA: You should change your title to something like “FI with savior complex keeps toxic friends around, advice?”

Post # 5
817 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you’re being snobby at all. It doesn’t seem like it’s an economic issue, it’s a poor choices issue. You can be poor and not do drugs/ have baby dads in jail/ get DUIs/fail to show up to work. Lucy and the cook made poor decisions that have nothing to do with their economic situations, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to steer clear of that.

I don’t have advice for how to discuss it with your fiancé but it’s important to choose friends wisely and you shouldn’t feel bad about wanting to keep away from criminals and drug users. 

Post # 6
944 posts
Busy bee

penny1403 :  Im not going to judge you, but I think your Fiance has what I call rescue syndrome. He comes from a place where he knows what someone is going through and wants to help them, not always realizing that some people dont want to be or cant be helped. 

Its admirable that your Fiance managed to improve himself and he is seeing the world through rose colored glasses. He thinks he can help everyone. He really cant.

As to how to explain it to him. You say, “FI I realize that Lucy needs help but she needs help in a way that we cant help her. Her bad job performance reflects badly on me, and it could put my job in danger. I will not be recommending anyone else for positions at my place of employment unless they meet the qualifications.” 

As for the drug addict friend. “FI I know you mean well but Im uncomfortable having a drug abuser in our home. If you want to meet him out somewhere then feel free, but you havent seen this person in years and you dont know if they are in deep and pose a risk to our safety.” 

You shouldnt stop him from seeing his friends, but you also dont have to welcome someone into your home that makes you uncomfortable. I have children so I would certainly never let a known drug user into my home around my children. 

Post # 8
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I wouldn’t say they are different economic situations because a criminal history and drug use can be found in anyone regardless of financial situation. It’s really the character you’re concerned about. 

I personally agree with you. I wouldn’t want to hang out with them either. As someone who hopes to have children in the next few years, I have become hyper aware of the type of company I keep. If it’s not someone I’d want my child emulating, I avoid forming relationships with them. 

I wouldn’t write people off right away though. Just because someone didn’t have it together years ago, doesn’t mean they haven’t changed for the better. Give people a chance. If their behavior is detrimental or toxic and they have no desire to change, then I’d let them go as potential friends. 

Post # 9
4042 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

What has this got to do with different economic situations? Poor people and rich people can all be in “those types of dramatic situations” or do you not realize that? 

Fiance gravitates towards these types of people. He grew up in a similar place, but bettered himself. 

Yeah you can’t say you don’t mean to be snobby or judgmental and then say something like that.  Just because you’re fiance earned more money does not make him any better than the other people in his life. 

Post # 10
6269 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

This has nothing to do with economics. This has to do with people making horrible decisions. Why are you conflating the two? Rich people can also have drug problems and be “trashy.” 

Post # 11
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

penny1403 :  Look, I am definitely not into the whole drug scene.  I don’t respect people who go that way, even with casual drugs like pot.  It’s just how I feel about it.

That said, each person is an individual and should be treated as such.  Just because Lucy screwed up doesn’t mean this guy who is a cook now and has a history of drugs is also going to do so, hasn’t learned to better himself, etc.  My husband has a friend whose girlfriend has a rough history.  Like I don’t want to know the details and would never have hung out with her.  She still has some emotional issues and I’m not sure his buddy is the right person for her, but she is clean, she is a wonderful human being, she loves horses more than just about anything else. She is an amazing person with a bad background.  I’m glad I met her.  There’s no harm in giving people a chance (as long as they aren’t actively dangerous in some way), so give the guy a break.

Post # 12
961 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Lucy sounds like a bad hire, and although I’d have spoken to her directly ratherthan hinting it sounds like she’s just not going to be right for your workplace anyway.  But how is the cook a problem?  He has a history with drugs – which could mean anything from a high school fondness for weed to a full blown opioid addiction.  Do you know which one?  Do you know if he’s still using?  There are many different shades of drug use and abuse.

Post # 15
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

penny1403 :  

A history with drugs does not equate to a drug addict. You would be able to assess if that behavior is long gone or if it’s a current problem if, you know… you didn’t immediately write him off as beneath you.

I’m not saying to be friends with addicts and such, I’m just saying that he’s a perfect stranger to you and yet you’ve written him off as beneath you.

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