(Closed) Friends hate FI and I have no idea why.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Hmm, there must be more to this. When you and your Fiance fight, do you tell your friends about it afterward? How long have you and your Fiance been together? Do you spend less time with your friends now that you’re dating someone?

Post # 3
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

Well…Have you tried asking your friends exactly what they hate about your FI? 

And, in any case, does their opinion really matter if you feel confident about yor FI?

Post # 4
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry to say, but when a sizeable group of people dislikes an individual, it’s usually him (or her), not them. You say you ditched your old friends when they didn’t like your Fiance and got new friends, and the new friends don’t like him either. I’m trying really hard to envision a scenario where all of these people are the ones with the problem and not your Fiance, and I can’t. Maybe he actually isn’t a nice guy. Ask your friends for specific examples of when he acted like an asshole, try your best to objectively figure out whether they have a point, and go from there.

Post # 5
Member
6768 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

loveangelbaby:  I think there’s got to be more than this.  If he is genuinely a good person though, it could be a vibe he is giving off.  For example my best friend’s husband is very sarcastic in his humor.  As such, her mom doesn’t like or understand him.  She’s used to him now, but she was quite against the relationship initially.  Could it be something like that?  Or are you the sort who insult each other and know you’re joking but others don’t realize it?  Do you use him as an excuse not to do things and they think you’re being pushed around?  

Heck, ask them to clarify:  “I know you don’t like him and think he’s an asshole, but I dont understand why… please give me examples.”  If they can’t, then it’s probably nothing.  If they can, well then there’s your answer and you can decide how important it is.  I’d be less concerned about it if it were just a couple of people, but since it’s been old friends and now all the new ones… there must be something!

Post # 7
Member
6768 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Maybe you need to find better friends, then.  If your family loves him, his coworkers love him and you love him, plus they won’t even tell you what makes him an “ass”, then it sounds ridiculous to me, even if it is a larger number of people than expected.  Frankly your friend groups as you have described them don’t sound like they know what makes a good relationship anyway…

Post # 8
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee

Perhaps “very sarcastic” is just coming across as being a jerk? Sometimes when people are insecure they use sarcasm as a crutch in a way that just comes across as rude. Could that be what’s happening here?

That’s just a guess, obviously I don’t know the full situation. Why not speak to a few of your closest friends individually and ask them to tell you honestly, and in full, what’s going on? Explain your concern and ask for their thoughts.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  mangosandcats.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  mangosandcats.
Post # 9
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

If it all girls and they will not elaborate maybe he is flirtatious when you’re not around? 

Post # 10
Member
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Saint Domingue

loveangelbaby:  Hmmm…..you’re giving up your friends for this guy?  Okay, anyway.  My sister is “engaged” (don’t get me started on the reasons for the quotation marks) to  a class A dick.  Everyone close to her has told her he’s a horrible person who emotionally abuses her (the second time I ever saw him he treated me horribly and got in my sister’s face, postured at her and screamed at her.  I left the house nauseous.  She carried on like it was business as usual, which it was/is.)

My sister used to show up at my house and my parents’ house sobbing to us for hours on end about how unhappy she is and how she was thinking of leaving him and we gave her sound advice; “Good.  Get out of there.  You aren’t happy.  He’s emotionally abusive at worst and a jackass at best.  Run far away.”  

So, I’m going to ask the question my parents and I have asked my sister countless times; you say he’s a great guy and you love him.  What are some specific things you love about him?  What makes him a great guy?  Because I’m having a very difficult time believing two separate peer groups would decide unanimously that this guy is an asshole unless you pick really bad, immature friends, but, even then, ALL of them? 

ETA: I will say I have social anxiety and am an introvert and it takes me a good deal of time to be able to open up to people I don’t know, even my fiancé’s family and friends (I now speak almost daily to my Mother-In-Law which is far more often than I do my own mother.)  It took a very long time for me to feel comfortable around them ESPECIALLY if I wasn’t on my own turf.  If you’re not an introvert or have social anxiety it seems weird and it was a huge (I cannot express how big) stressor in my and my fiancé’s relationship for several years, actually.  He’s super outgoing and gregarious, could strike up a friendly conversation with the devil himself during the end times, but me, well, it’s tough.  We’d get in fights after nearly ever family gathering as he felt I’d been rude because I hadn’t engaged in enough small talk, etc.  he just couldn’t understand how I struggled and most of his friends and family had a less-than-stellar opinion of me at first which has since completely reversed, but I’m also now completely comfortable with all but one of them.  

Post # 11
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

Maybe theyve seen him do something theyre too afraid to tell you about. That was my first thought 

Post # 12
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

Either all of your friends a crappy and not really your friends or your Fiance is.  Rarely are people so polorizing.  You Family loves him – your firends hate him….His coworkers love him….you have lost friends because of him.  Or maybe it is you they are trying to save him from.  Your friends are full of drama and cheating…birds of a feather….you know the saying.  Your friends probabally know that in the end he will not fit in and will make your life miserable and the marriage will end in divorce. 

Post # 13
Member
7681 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t know but for what it’s worth, I have a sister-in-law that says stuff, and then “just kidding” ha ha, but really she says crap that she really means, and tries to cover it by “making it a joke”.  She really is an a$$.  

What does he say to your friends exactly?

Post # 14
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

Haha. I am also a sarcastic person, very blunt and realistic, I say it like I see it. That alone makes people dislike me, I don’t sugarcoat things. If I were male people would think I was hilarious.

All my SO friends hate me, I’d say the girls mostly (gfs of his friends). I try to reach out to them online/over the phone or whatever to make an effort to be “friends” and they just don’t respond, I see them in person and they say “oh, is that your phone number”. There was one drunken night where a bunch of the gfs were dishing horrible things their guys did, they asked my opinion or interpretation or something. Apparently whatever I said really miffed the guys to the point where the girls will no longer speak to me unless forced to by close proximity (because their bfs were so pissed, and I’m guessing then the bfs were pissed at their gfs). All his guy friends keep me at a huge distance now and look at me like a wolf in sheeps clothing. They all have a huge complex about it, and this was well over a year ago.

People and their problems. If there was ever an instance like this, combined with the fact your fiance is sarcastic (and that usually comes across as being a “dick”), I’d bet money that’s the issue.

Also, people are easily intimidated by me in general. Probably the same for your fiance.

Post # 15
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

loveangelbaby:  Your friends don’t seem that supportive. If I hated my friend’s SO, I would damn sure give a better reason than “he’s just an ass”. Are your friends normally reasonable, kind, rational people?

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