Friend's husband is dying…

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
45642 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

anonybee2016 :  What a horrible thing to happen to your friend.  You are doing the right things so far, but just be sure to keep it up. Too many people become uncomfortable and stop visiting, stop listening, stop being there.

Don’t wait for her to ask for help.  Are you able to take the kids for a couple of hours so she can have some uninerrupted time with her husband? Or go to her home and look after the kids while she has a hot bath or shower or goes to the funeral home to make arrangements?

 

Post # 3
Member
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

My mom’s best friend’s husband just passed away. He was complaining about back pain and when he finally went in for a scan they discovered tumors throughout his body. He had two surgeries to relieve pain on his back, but his brain tumors were inoperable. He passed just six weeks after diagnosis. 

My mom struggled with how to be there for her friend. She also cooked and reached out regularly. Family set up a meal plan for the last few weeks of his life and friends brought food or paid for food to be delivered. 

Hold your DH closer and feel your feelings. Life is short, that’s why we have to truly live when we have the opportunity. 

Post # 4
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

anonybee2016 :  I can’t even begin to imagine. There are just no words. Like julies1949 :  said, don’t wait for her to ask for help. I love the suggestion of offering to take the kids so she and her husband can have some alone time. What an awful, awful reality for this family.

Post # 6
Member
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

anonybee2016 :  so very similar. The wife was sure he would get into a clinical trial and that even though he was riddled with tumors, he would make it. Such a shame. At least his children were grown. Your poor friend and those kiddos. Ugh. Breaks my heart. 

Post # 7
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry to hear your news.  My first husband died of cancer 6 years ago when he was 33–it’s awful.  I hope you can continue to offer support to your friend during this awful time and long down the road when everyone else’s lives go back to normal while her’s is still broken.  If you have any questions and want to ask someone who’s been there, feel free to ask!

Post # 9
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

anonybee2016 :  Ours was a much slower process…7 years…diagnosed at 26 and passed away at 33.  It was incredibly hard being so young and going through that, but it helped that our friends visited in the hospital, made meals for us, kept us upbeat when we needed, etc. In terms of practical help, someone got us a cleaning lady at one point and that helped a lot since I just didn’t have time to keep up with it – your friend may feel that way too.  Meals always helped too….our friends did them on a schedule so I knew when I could rely on them and when I needed to figure it out on my own.  I personally did not like flowers, though – felt like a funeral preview or something, I don’t know 🙁  Everyone is different, though, so you’ll have to talk to you friend.  It’s much easier to offer specific things though then to just say “let me know if you need anything,” because let’s face it, no one ever takes anyone up on that!  So when my friends would say, “we really want to get you a cleaning lady” or “can we come by tomorrow with a meal or to visit” I wouldn’t feel as guilty accepting the help.  Hopefully that makes sense!  Mostly I just appreciated the people who were there when everyone else went away, especially after he died.  The ones who actually asked how I was doing and wanted to hear the truth; the ones that got me out of the house when I was depressed and alone; etc.  

Let me know if you have other questions 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

P.S.  A couple other “dont’s — I really hated it when my husband was dying and people would try to make me feel better by telling me how it was “going to be ok”; I was “still young and would find someone else”; “I know how you feel because my aunt/grandma/etc. died”; “God has a plan”; blah blah blah.  Don’t do that!  I think people think they are helping by saing things that are supposed to be reassuring, but as the spouse sitting there hearing that, all you can think is that this person has NO CLUE what you’re going through and you resent them for saying things like that. It’s best to just tell her how sorry you are and let her tell you how she’s feeling.  

Post # 12
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m so sorry this is tragic. All you can do is be there when she needs you. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Post # 13
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee

anonybee2016 :  Wow! I am so sorry. That is truly horrific. Other posters have given you some really good advice. The only thing I would add is make sure you offer the sister support as well, she will be trying to be strong for her sister, brother in law and nieces/nephews and needs someone to help and support her so that she is able to continue to so.

Post # 14
Member
563 posts
Busy bee

Heartbreaking story 🙁

Post # 15
Member
1694 posts
Bumble bee

I have a friend whose wife is dying of cancer right now. They have a two-year-old. They live across the country from me. It’s horrific. I send daily reminders of my thoughts that are with them…sometimes my texts/calls are answered but most often not. I’ve offered to come out, but his wife doesn’t want anyone to see her like this so they aren’t accepting visitors even if we don’t see her. My family and I made a video for their child, talking about what we love about his mother and how we’ll always remember her. We did hear back that this was the best thing we could have done. Otherwise, we feel pretty impotent. 

I, myself, have brain tumors, and I’m actually waiting to hear back on results of if the latest are cancerous. It’s fucking terrible, no bones about it. All I want from my friends is their messages of support or their visits if possible. 

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