Post # 19
It sounds like there might be problems in your friend Tess’ marriage, and her husband is “acting” out a bit. If I were you, I would have STRONG boundaries in place and make it very clear to John that you are NOT open to such off-color sexual comments and that he has absolutely NO chance whatsoever.
I agree with the other bees, do not tell your Darling Husband that John is hitting on you. I would tell him that he has made some inappropriate comments that made you feel uncomfortable, and so you want to keep your distance from him. But if they are friends, telling him that he was hitting on you would cause a lot of unnecessary drama and in all honesty, I do not see that ending well at all for you.
Friends who have a rocky unstable relationship can be a landmine to navigate as an outsider. If Tess has deprived John of sex for 6 months than as a man, he is probably feeling very rejected and so it is not surprising that he is looking for validation, acceptance, and sexual release/comfort from someone outside of his marriage. This intuitively feels like the beginning of an affair ready to happen — so you have to very very careful to make sure the blame doesn’t get placed on you. That’s why it is SUPER important that you make it VERY clear to both Tess and John that you are NOT open to John’s weird flirtations and make that clear to him — and the best would be to do this in front of Tess so she knows where you stand. Otherwise, I fear that when Tess and John’s marriage falls apart and the accusations starts flying, the last thing you want is for Tess to suspect that her husband has been unfaithful to her with YOU and you become the innocent scapegoat.
Post # 20
I don’t see it as a hit on either but I do think he has given you room to be uncomfortable which should be addressed by you to John.
My husband had a few friends like this. One was very touchy and flirtatious with me, one continuously made comments (jokingly) about bringing an outsider into his marriage (weeks before his wedding to boot) and would wink or nudge at me and the other would get drunk and go online to send me a message addressing me as “foxy lady” or “sexy” etc.
I was honest with my husband about all three but I addressed the issues myself telling them I understood it wad their personality but it made me uncomfortable. After confronting them, when the problem continued I asked my husband to step in and he took care of things.the touchy guy is great friends with both of us but stopped acting that way when my husband blew up on him. The other two we don’t see anymore because they never stopped.
Just because this john guy isn’t directly hitting on you doesn’t mean that you have to just shrug off his behavior. I wouldn’t get worked up about it but I would definately tell him it makes you uncomfortable and you would like for him to stop. You have every right to ask this, john s comment about the shower would have had me telling him off that moment. If my husband ever acted this way to another woman id tear him a new one.
Post # 21
Agreed. This does certainly not classify as “hitting on” someone in the least. He makes you uncomfortable is one thing, but hitting on you?
Post # 22
Show a picture of yourself and we’ll see
Post # 23
EllasGrace20: “hitting on you” or “making you feel uncomfortable” is just a matter of symantics, in my opinion. The bottom line is that this guy is clearly saying things to you that make you feel uncomfortable. From what you wrote, I’d agree that he’s, at the very least, in the grey zone. I think it would be a good idea to share with your husband what has happened, how it makes you feel, then you guys can discuss the best way to handle it.
Post # 23
Zhabeego: and whats wrong with being honest with her husband? I would rather be honest with my spouse no matter what. Even if I end up looking like a fool as you put it. I honestly don’t think that would be the case here…
And what’s marriage if you can’t be completely honest and open with your spouse.
Post # 23
Thanks for all the words girls!!
Yes, I understand how we all can have different opinions on what being “hit on” means. For me being “hit on” is anything that someone would say or do that only my husband should do. Now if this was a random guy who commented on my looks but didn’t know I was married I would just be flattered. I wouldn’t necessarily think I was being hit on. It just feels different when it is a close friend. For the record he doesn’t say anything of these things infront of my husband. My husband has no clue of this side to John. I just wonder why he wanted to take me home alone that night. Why out of the 20 something women that were there he asked if he could take me home. I wonder what was going to happen on that drive home.
I don’t know if it is a crush or payback for his wife. See I’m alot like his wife in many ways but in alot of ways I am not. They know how much my husband means to me and I think John might be envious of that. I make it clear that I follow my husband wherever he goes and vise versa. With them it seems like its Tess’s way or the highway. Shes so, so passive aggressive.
OH AND (!) (I just had a light bulb moment) I have no idea why I didn’t think of this earlier. Johns best friend confessed his “love” for Tess when all this was going on.
Post # 27
EllasGrace20: I only read your first post, haven’t read other posters yet, so I don’t know if I am repeating anything
He has not hit on you. The shower thing, yeah weird but in front of his wife, it is not like he took you aside. I called FI’s male cousin gorgeous at Easter right in front of Fiance, it was a compliment not my way of saying I’m open for business. A ride home? You are really reading in to things. You assume Tess was uneasy…one you are assuming and two if she is sooooo dominate wouldn’t she voice her uneasy concerns?
If you get a creep vibe, then avoid him when you can, but do not look foolish by telling him you don’t care for his advances and then hes standing there like “uh since when is telling a pregnant woman she is gorgeous equal to hitting on her?! WTF”
You sound like you’re stirring up drama
Post # 28
EllasGrace20: Fiance and I are 100% committed and one of the most devoted couples you will ever meet, I think the fact that I can call his cousin gorgeous and no one bats an eye is testimony to that. If you are comfortable, secure and trusting then paying someone a compliment is not a sign of trouble, its a sign the person is, gorgeous/smart/funny/stylish/charming
Post # 29
So perhaps he wasn’t hitting in you – but I still would 100% tell your husband what he said and that it made you feel uncomfortable! It’s important that he knows what has gone on so that he can 1) keep distance between you and his friend 2) be aware of any other weirdish behaviour (he may just be weird OR this may just be the tip of the iceberg) 3) not feel blindsided if anyone else tells the shower story around him on day (perhaps Tess herself).
Wouldnt you want to know if a women had said these things to your husband? Therefore you should tell him. Not in a huge – this is a big deal, kind of way. But in an – I just want you to know these things kind of way.
Post # 30
I don’t think this qualifies as him hitting on you.
I do think that the shower comment was completely inappropriate. Him bugging you to let him take you home? Also kinda weird. This kind of behavior would make me uncomfortable, period. Depending on how long its been since the last incident, maybe bring it up with your husband. But if its been awhile, I’d wait until the next inappropriate comment from John and then bring it up with your husband. I know my husband would want to know if a particular male was making me uncomfortable or making inapporpiate comments to me.
Not sure though how your friend’s attitude toward her husband has any bearing on his behavior towards you though. He alone is responsible for his behavior and comments. Whether she is controlling, bossy or whatever isn’t “pushing” him into acting out. Leave her out of this.
Post # 31
Hmm. Maybe, “John” is trying to get his own wife jealous for some obscure reason… ? Maybe trying to get it going in the bedroom?? It just doesn’t feel like straight out “flirting” to me honestly, just kind of, trying to get on the nerves of Tess or smth.
Post # 32
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
EllasGrace20: Tell him firmly the next time he says something weird that you’re not interested in him and you would appreciate it if he was more careful with his phrasing in the future. Hopefully it will shock him enough to correct the behavior. If it continues after that I would say something to my husband so he could assist me in fending the guy off.
Post # 33
Hmmmm. If a man asked me to join him in the shower, whether it was in front of his wife or not, I’d definitely consider it as him hitting on me. Off color comment or not it displays sexual/romantic interest. If that same guy wanted to take me home out of 20 ppl he could take home…I’d definitely feel weird about it. So I actually agree with you OP that he IS hitting on you. Who knows, maybe they have an open marriage (“I don’t want to have sex with you except to procreate so get your recreational sex on w someone else…” Or something where he thinks it’s ok to say those things in front of his wife…whatever. Maybe he’s trying to make her jealous…whatever. I say the next time he says or does something that gives you that vibe make it super clear that you are NOT interested. Then if it continues tell your SO to step in. My .02
Post # 34
I am somewhere between the camp of you’re overreacting to you should talk to your husband no matter what if it’s how you feel.
I would bring it up but tread lightly. I would just say he’s been saying some things that are weird and making you uncomfortable.