(Closed) Friend's husband seems controlling

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Sounds like her husband isn’t the nicest guy, but I am not too sure what you can do. On some level I am sure she knows she shouldn’t be treated this way, but if she doesn’t stand up to him, it’ll continue. If she does stand up to him, it could turn ugly. I would feel pretty helpless in your situation, but I find that in general, meddling in others’ relationships (despite your best intentions) never does much good.

You should probably encourage her to talk to you if she needs to, let her know you’re always there for her, etc. but I am not sure what else you can do. Unless she starts to turn up with bruises or cuts off all contact out of the blue, it’s not like you can get the authorities involved.

I hope she isn’t being abused… and I would never want to be in a relationship like hers… but is it possible that she is ok with it? I mean you only know half the story… maybe she does go out a lot and he just wanted her to spend some time with him… maybe he was allergic to the cat… etc.

Post # 4
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@starrynight:  You don’t seem to be reading into it, he sounds controlling in a major way.  I can’t believe he wouldn’t “let” her have dinner with you, what a creep.

Be careful how you approach talking with her about it, obviously, but try to find out if she’s ok.  His controlling behavior could lead to abuse and, if so, she’ll need someone she can trust to confide in.  Be there for your friend and gently  point out the red flags he’s displaying.  But let her do most of the talking so you don’t inadvertently alienate her, because she loves the guy.  She may be suffering from some very low self-esteem right now because of his treatment.  Reminds me of my ex-husband.  Ugh. 

I wish you, and her, all the best. 

Post # 5
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would try my best to stay out of my friend’s relationship. If she’s okay with her husband’s seemingly controlling behavior, then you really shouldn’t question it. Her relationship might not be right for you, but that doesn’t make it any less valid to her.  I would do my best to always be there for my friend, and keep the kind of relationship with her that lets her be comfortable talking to you, IF she is not happy and needs a friend to help her figure things out, but beyond that, it’s not your place to get involved.  She is of course going to be more loyal to her husband than to any friend, and if she decides that her relationship is not right for her, that has to be her decision; if she decides that her relationship IS right for her, then any criticism you give, no matter how well-intended, is going to put a wedge between the two of you.

Post # 6
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If it something a friend were to ask my opinion on, then I would state my honest viewpoint, and then tell her that if she ever needs anything, I am here.  From there, I would not bring it up again, etc, but rather support her whether she stays with him/goes.  If asked, I would also state that my viewpoint is strictly as an outsider looking in, and also based upon the relationship I am in, and what I view as ‘good’ or relationships I have had in the past where I felt controlled 🙂

The reason I add those sentiments in is because as a friend, I never truly know what two people have established in THEIR relationship.  *Maybe* they have had long talks about saving money, where they can cut expenses, etc so that they can buy a house soon, or whatever.  *Maybe* that is why she cancelled dinner, or *maybe* that is why they decided she can ride her bike to work?!  *Maybe* the way she is conveying it to others is just coming across badly?!

Or maybe, he is actually very controlling, which in how she states things to you sounds to be the case!  Either way, if she is not asking for an opinion, or opening up to you that she feels he is makign all the decisions, or whatever, then she is not looking for an opinion…yet.  Good luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
11284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@starrynight:  does your friend find that he is a bit controlling or does she not even realize it? 

Post # 10
Member
11274 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Do you have any idea how long have they been married? Also, did she mention at any time subsquent to your making dinner plans together that she had told her DH of your plans?

Post # 11
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I think you might be reading into it too much. Maybe she just didn’t want to go to dinner and it was easier to put the blame on him. Maybe as a PP suggested they had already agreed to not eat out, ride bikes for monetary reasons.

Maybe you could invite them over for dinner or go for a walk and get together in ways that don’t cost anything. Or even a cup of coffee that is cheap. Inviting him might help you really get a better feel on the situation.

Post # 12
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He sounds controlling, for some people, they genuinely are unable to think for themselves and therefore pick someone who is willing to take control over their lives to be with. It’s sad, and very unfortunate, and also not always the case, often they are just truly blind to the red flags.

There really isn’t much you can do, saying something will push her away from you. 

Post # 14
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is it possible he knows you don’t like him and that is why he doesn’t feel comfortable with you two hanging out? I wouldn’t love the idea of DH hanging out with a friend I knew didn’t like me (I wouldn’t tell him he couldn’t, but I would voice my discomfort).

Post # 16
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I just said that because in your OP you said you would never be friends w him because of the cat thing….

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