(Closed) Friends or am I just a worthless doormat? What to do?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

That’s terrible… It sucks that you are the rock for all of those people.  I’d just start learning to say NO and get some new friends.

Post # 4
2324 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you need to be honest with them, if they then decide to start respectign you – bonus.

Post # 5
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

She said her husband could carry you out of your house and put you down in the floor with the toddlers? My jaw is on the floor.

I’m sorry your friends are so awful.  You could try telling them how you feel… maybe they’ll come around? Or maybe you’ll have some time to make new and better friends.

Post # 6
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It sounds like your friends are treating you poorly and that you’re just letting them do it. I would tell them how you feel and then let them make the next move. If they don’t change their ways, I hope you can meet some new people who are interested in mutually beneficial realtionships. Best of luck! 

Post # 7
576 posts
Busy bee

I am a firm believer that there should be give AND take in every relationship. In your case it’s been all give. You’ve been through so much in the last little while and I find it absolutely incredible that no one reached out to you. That is simply not normal. You seem like a very loving and caring friend, you deserve to be loved back. Talk to the ones you’re closest to, and be honest in how they’ve made you feel. Perhaps they were too wrapped up in their own worlds to realize how it was coming across…hopefully they will turn it around and change their behavior towards you. Either way, you deserve better friends.

Post # 8
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Pippaxox:  I would call them out on it maybe they don’t even realise. Although chances are they do and are just selfish dicks. If they don’t change I would tell them to bugger off. Then go out and get some real friends that are going to actually be friends! You are a friend not a slave!

Post # 9
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

They are toxic. Stop answering to them and cut them out of your life. Are you into sports? See if there is a rec league in your city that you can join. You can make friends that way. If you are religious, church is a great place to meet others. Do you work? Does your job have happy hours and socials? Or find a professional organization in your city in your line of work. There are tons of ways to meet new people, just be careful and trust your gut. Good luck!

Post # 10
8435 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Unfortunately people only treat us that way if we let them. It is kind of like with kids- they test boundaries and find how far they can push you. Unfortunately you have realised that yes you were a push over (not necessarily a bad/negative thing in the right circumstances) and these friends worked out how far they push to get what they want.

Don’t dwell on the past (because you can’t change the past) but work on the future. Reset the boundaries. This will be hard work and yes you may lose a couple of these friends along the way (but is that really a bad thing in the long run?) but what you will gain is self knowledge, self esteem and hopefully some friends that know that friendship is a two way street.

So start saying no, start initiating other activities like the walks and hanging out (and try not to get upset if these friends decline) and broden your horizons and make some new friends. Join some clubs, volunteer or play a sport.

But most of all don’t compromise who you are- it is a great thing to be a giving person the trick is surrounding yourself with people with the same values.

Post # 11
6359 posts
Bee Keeper

You are NOT worthless!!

Your “friends” are probably used to a very one-sided friendship with you. You need to put your foot down and tell them it’s going to be changing. Your true friends will painfully adjust to no longer being spoiled by you (don’t feel guilty, they were complicit in it), and your fake friends will disappear – like magic!

Putting your foot down and insisting on what you deserve is a great way to pretty much instantaniously make the leeches disappear from your life! (More difficult if they are family members). The time they were wasting, will be freed up for your real friemds (old ones who shaped up and new ones that you will now have time to get to know!)

Post # 12
317 posts
Helper bee

@Pippaxox:   During this time a friend even called to ask me to babysit, saying her husband could carry me out of the house and just put me on the floor with the baby & toddler for a few hours. 

 WTF??!! I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through! I would definitely stop all communication with these people. Even if you talked with them about it and they changed their behavior, I would still always have the thought in the back of my head of ” did she really want to call to say hi or is she just fulfilling an obligation to appease me”. Plus, based on your comment about them getting passive aggressive when you dont respond right away it doesn’t seem that your mentioning it would be very well received. Bottom line is that you are not worthless and you deserve much better. I like blueskies suggestion about ways to meet new people. I know this sucks, but hang in there. I hope things get better for you.

Post # 13
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I understand how you feel…  Quick question, though.  Have you ever asked them for anything or called them to just chat or asked them to hang out?  When you were homebound, did you call and ask for help from any of them?  If you’ve never asked them to come over to hang or asked them for help, they don’t know you need it.

Some people give and give and give, but never ask for anything in return. And then they wonder why people don’t do for them what they do for others…  It’s because not everyone is a giver like you are, and you need to tell them what you need and what or they don’t think about it. 

I had to learn this lesson myself. I’m not a giver like you are–I wish I were. But I do help out pretty much whenever I’m asked, but tend to do everything I need on my own without asking for help. There have been times when I’ve felt resentful of that, and I’ve thought, they should know I need help or they should know I’d like to join them on an outing. It took me a while to figure out that, no they can’t know what I want or need if I keep those things to myself. 

My advice would be not to talk to them about how they’ve been treating you, but instead start asking for the things you need.  These people obviously think of you as a friend, so start calling them and letting them know when you need something or want to do something.  The ones who aren’t true friends will stop calling and asking for favors, and the ones who are true friends will stick around. 

Post # 14
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hmm not any adivce really. I realized after an incredibly difficult time in my life where I was only with my younger friends they were not great. It hurts because I’m their rock, but I realize that as someone who is the rock, selfish or not, people expect you to solve problems not have them.

I truly learned to lean on my friends who didn’t just use me as a source of free therapy. I definitely think you have to assert yourself regardless. They may not realize how much they’ve been hurting you. Plus make sure they know when you NEED them. If they can’t step it up than you need to find better friends.

Post # 15
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wow, this post made me tear up. First *Hugs* to you. This is terrible. This is not a quality friendship – I would have a candid and very honest conversation with them. Even if that conversation is over the phone. The response of having her husband carry you over to watch the kids made me cringe and gasp. I would def. take to that one!!! Don’t allow them to use their “BUSY” life with children as an excuse either – don’t let them off the hook that simple – common response, “Well, life gets busy when your married, with children, with pets, jobs, kids sports, etc…” Then they leave off this part — “And the vacations, the exciting events that we attend while you watch our kids, etc…” Put your foot down – hard and plant em on the ground. Sorry you don’t have very good friends.A good test would be to lean on them – and hard. I had back surgery and a “Best Friend” of mine, did not even come to see me at the hospital (We lived in the same damn town!) nor did she offer to even come see me at my apartment – needless to say I never have spoken to her since. I just CUT her outta my life forever.

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