(Closed) Friends stopped talking to me? Over small wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh man, that’s a bummer.  I haven’t had that experience because we are planning a bigger wedding.  But my friends have definitely been vocal about their displeasure with the wedding and bridal shower being out of town for them.  Its so frustrating because you’re doing what you can do, its not meant to alienate anyone.  I’d reach out to them though.  I’d say something to let them know that you wish you could afford to share this event with them but you can’t.  And that they’re still really important to you.  Eventually they should realize that this isn’t meant to exclude them, you’re just doing what’s right for you and your Fiance.

Post # 4
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My friends had a small “surprise” wedding on NYE. They only invited family and a small handful of friends and it was a beautiful, sweet, romantic wedding. They are having a backyard reception this spring to celebrate with a larger crowd. Have you considered a celebration for friends after the wedding? If you want one, you could ask them about helping you plan it. Perhapes that would help them feel involved 🙂

Post # 5
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Ahh, sorry.  Hopefully they’ll come around.  Maybe you can talk to them.  Ask what’s up.  THen try to get them to see that you just can’t afford a bigger wedding.  They should really understand.

But  I get it.  We girls love weddings.  We like to help plan.  Maybe they even had lovely visions of being in the bridal party.  Or being scattered across the country, maybe thought this would be a perfect way to get together again.  Also, the friend vs. family thing can be so touchy.  You ahve friends, which by definition, you’re pretty close to.  Then there’s family, whom you feel you have to invite regardless how close you are to them.  So they might feel like they  are getting trumped by people whom you don’t care for.  (Although I’m not sure if you were really talking about just siblings and parents, or aunts /uncles and cousins.)

Is there some other way to stay close to them around this time?  Can you all plan a get together, maybe a bachelorette party type thing?

Post # 6
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow I’m so sorry!  I don’t think it is something for them to stop talking to you over.  But I think that having a hometown reception might be a good idea so they don’t feel like they are completely uninvolved in the wedding.

Post # 7
3252 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow. That totally sux. I think they’re feeling a little left out. They’re friend is taking a huge step and they want to be a part of it.

Post # 8
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

People who love you, be they blood or by choice, want to share in your special day.  They want to be there when you commit yourself to a new stage in your life, and perhaps join them in the happiness of married life. 

My parents’ best friends eloped around 30 years ago.  While their friendship has remained strong and loving, my parents have never let them live this down, and the C—-s look back with regret. 

I would definitely try to arrange a celebration to which everyone is invited, when you DO have the time.  Even a low-key barbecue.  I know I would be hurt if my CLOSEST friends, who became my family when things at home were bad, left me out of their special day.

That being said, your friends owe it to you to at least voice their discontent and not be all passive-aggressive about it.  I hope that however you choose to proceed, you have a wonderful, beautiful wedding day filled with joy, and that your loved ones who were not there find another way to celebrate with you.

Post # 9
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think this may be a situation where you have to call them individually, acknowledge their dissapointment, and explain your position. Might take a whole, but it will be worth it.

Post # 10
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

That’s unfortunate, but like you said–not everyone can afford it. Could you afford some sort of backyard bbq celebration with your friends after you get home? (If you’re moving, you could call it a housewarming celebration.) Good luck!

Post # 12
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Sorry, I understand your feelings…as well as others. But you can only do what you can do, don’t go into debt to please others. I understand that your loved ones want to witness the besutiful day, but unless they are assisting financially or volunteering to decorate, prepare food, etc for such a bigger event, it’s not your fault!

Post # 13
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

we’re having a small ceremony- 30 people only which means 15 people on each side. that meant no aunts and uncles, although they are invited to a dinner reception after. when my mom told my aunt this on the phone, her response was “well we’ll see if we come to that than!” and she hung up. she gave my mom no time to explain why the ceremony was so small- i get major migraines, anxiety is a big trigger, and i don’t need to have the stress of a big wedding. i especially don’t need a migraine on my wedding day. i hate having people looking at me, and it all kind of goes together. my mom sent my aunt an email, and while i think she’s still not exactly happy with us, they’re talking again. we have other family who’s not happy that they can’t come, but they just joke around how they will crash the wedding. at which i threaten a bouncer.

i would just explain yourself and let them know why you’re having a small wedding. if they’re good friends, then they need to understand.

Post # 14
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m sorry this is happening.  I agree with other posters though, you should see if you can have a reception after the wedding to include the rest of your family and friends.  Something low key, like a picnic or backyard barbeque.  That way everyone gets to help you celebrate your marriage and you don’t go broke trying to through the party of the year!

Post # 15
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m confused in that if the OP and her fiance can’t afford to have anyone in attendance beyond their immediate families, how will they afford a reception for everyone they want later? They can’t.

While it is understandable for them to be hurt since they want to share in your special day, it’s not mature of them to quit speaking to you altogether. As the adage goes, it shows who your true friends are. Sounds like these people aren’t true friends unfortunately. A true friend would understand your situation, even if it isn’t a desirable one. But most people are aware that weddings are expensive.

I hope that they come around and forgive you, even though the situation is out of your control, but keep your chin up no matter what.

Post # 16
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m having a small wedding and I really think your friends need to get over it.  I realize that people *may* want to spend your special day with you, but it is *your special day* and if you don’t have the means to have everyone and their mother there, well, too bad.  I have a hard time feeling sorry for people – especially when they are being petty.  If they were really your friends, they’d understand that you can’t afford it. 

I’ve read so much on “etiquette hell” and frankly, it seems like people gt peeved about everything…”she didn’t send me a thank you…””she did send a thank you but it wasn’t personalized enough for me…” “they didn’t serve enough food – they invited too many people so they look gift grabby” “they should have had a cake and punch reception (cause that doesn’t look gift grabby?”  Anyway, my point is, if they are really your friends they will come around.  Explain to them that you just can’t afford to have a big wedding, but you hope to have dinner with them soon…they will either be on board, or not.  Oh well. 

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