Post # 1
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
I am the first of my friends to get engaged/married. I have my bridesmaids picked out: my two sisters and Future Sister-In-Law. This weekend, I saw my friends back home for the first time since getting engaged. I am hesitant to call them friends, because they have done some pretty awful things to me in the past. There’s one who I don’t even want to invite to the wedding but feel I have to to keep the peace.
Apparently, they have been talking amongst themselves about which of them will be bridemaids. My Maid/Matron of Honor, who is also friends with these people, knows they will not be BMs and agrees with my decision, as she has had issues with them too. She said I should tell them they won’t be in the wedding and it’s because we are keeping things low key (partially true, but the real reason is because they’re just bad friends). I haven’t said anything to them yet and I don’t know if I even should.
This past weekend was a joint birthday party for my Maid/Matron of Honor and myself. The “friends” brought gifts for my Maid/Matron of Honor but not me. A couple nights later, we planned a birthday dinner for me and invited all the girls. FI and I drove an hour and a half for dinner and only my Maid/Matron of Honor and her SO showed up. Everyone else bailed. Today is my birthday and none of them even bothered texting me, except my Maid/Matron of Honor. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I’m really hurt. They don’t know they’re not in the wedding, so I know that’s not the reason they’ve acted like this.
And these people think they’re going to be bridemaids?!
Post # 3
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
Sorry to hear you’re dealing with this!
Honestly, weddings bring out people’s CRAZY. (Especially if they don’t realize how they come off). DH’s fake ‘sister’ asked right away if she could be a bridesmaid — Um, never in a million billion years!!
Just gotta brush it off. I’m sure they’ll be pissed that you’re not including them, since they seem to be super self-centered, but that’s got nothing to do with you; just their hurt egos.
Post # 4
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
Happy birthday!
Otherwise, who cares if they want to be bridesmaids? Unfortunately, not everyone can be, and it’s really clear why you chose the bridesmaids you did. They might get their feelings hurt a little, but understand. And, even so, it doesn’t seem like you like them much.
Post # 5
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
@StephieBee: +1 Truer words were never spoken – “weddings bring out people’s CRAZY.”
Honestly, we had people thinking they were invited, thinking they were part of the Bridal Party (when we didn’t even have one), people thinking this was THEIR wedding too (parents/siblings), etc. Clearly, these people are terrible friends considering how they act even though you haven’t officially given them the boot. I wouldn’t even call them friends and if that’s how they act for your birthday, I probably would’ve even invite them.
Post # 6
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
Fair weather friends! Sounds like they’re only there for you when it suits them or when they can get something out of it. Who needs friends like that anyway?
If you want to let them down nicely, say that your vision involved a small bridal party. You wish you could ask them to be bridesmaids but you simply can’t because the bridal party only has X amount of bridesmaids…
But frankly, if I were you, I’d be honest about how hurt I am that they blew me off like that. I’m a New Yorker. I’m blunt.
Post # 7
Member
9818 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
If they’re bad friends…why are they still your friends??
Post # 8
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee
@newcitylights: + 1 to @kes18: . Those past couple events with your birthday proved that little fact even more. I would have cut ties a long time ago, if not most definitely now.
And Happiest of Birthdays today!!!
Post # 9
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@newcitylights: These people are the opposite of real friends. My real friends wish me happy birthday, were happy for me when I was engaged, and didn’t expect to be bridesmaids (I only had my best friend and my sister as BMs). Your Maid/Matron of Honor, at least, sounds like a true friend. Happy birthday!
ETA: As for how to handle them, just tell them next time they ask or hint, “It’s just , my sisters and my FSIL”
Post # 10
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
Thanks for the birthday wishes ladies 🙂
The only reason I haven’t completely cut ties with them is because honestly, I don’t really have anyone else. My Maid/Matron of Honor and I have been friends since we were toddlers and I know I can count on her. In college, the friendships I made didn’t last for one reason or another, and now I live in another state with Fiance and I don’t know anyone out here. I have acquaintances through work but we don’t really socialize outside of the workplace.
I’ve just been really angry today. I always go back home for their birthdays and they don’t even have the decency to send a text, let alone come out for dinner.
I have slowly phased them out of my life, but they’re also friends with Maid/Matron of Honor so they’ll always be around.
Post # 11
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
@newcitylights: Happy birthday! And sounds like they’re shitty (non)friends. Why even bother inviting them to the wedding? To have a few more mouths to feed? Pffft. Let them hang out and be snotty somewhere else. 🙂
FWIW: I don’t have many ‘real life’ friends either, most of mine live elsewhere.
Post # 12
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee
Why are they still your friends?? You need to get these people out of your life. Don’t even invite them to the wedding.
ETA: Happy birthday! & IMO it’s better to have NO friends than fake friends
Post # 13
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I don’t think you need to tell them they aren’t bridesmaids – they’ll get it when you don’t ask them! I also don’t think you need to give them a reason either. If they demand to know why, it sounds like you have plenty of examples of what crappy friends they are!
Post # 14
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
@newcitylights: Hun, having no friends at all is better than having bitchy friends. It is NOT a friendship if you are doing all the work. They do not appreciate you. They probably only want to be BMs to wear the pretty dress and not do the work that comes with being a Bridesmaid or Best Man (helping put together invites, planning the shower and bach party, support the brides et al).
Phase them out your life. Heck I would not invite them to the wedding at all. I doubt they will show up. Heck they might even try to bring random people.
Post # 15
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
They don’t have to be your friends! I have friends-of-friends that I barely talk to. And I don’t think you have to say anything about them not being in your wedding. They will notice they aren’t bridesmaids when they (hopefully) aren’t invited and you’ve already been married!
Post # 16
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
Could you join a hobby group? I know that there are MeetUps and things depending on your area. Maybe you could make new friends through those? Or maybe through voluneteering or joining a church or taking a community college course on something fun?
I can imagine that it would be hard to move to a completely new area and not know anyone but having the friends you have sounds like no fun. 🙁