(Closed) Friends, visits, and social media

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
552 posts
Busy bee

I think you are overthinking it! Friend dynamics are different. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Post # 3
7527 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Many people use social media as a way to show the world what an awesome, successful, cool life they live. It’s rare to see a FB post from a friend that shows them weeping in bed because they just went on the 8th dead-end date in a row and have been single for three years and feel like no one will ever be attracted to them again…even though many of us have surely felt like that before. 

I don’t know if you’re reading something into your friends’ social media behavior that isn’t there, or if you’re actually right to feel hurt, because I don’t know you or your friends. But what your post does tell me is that engaging in social media is having a negative impact on your emotions, on your life. I have felt like you before, and I once took a year-long hiatus from facebook because it was just getting to me too much. I eventually got sucked back in, but I found that when I came back I no longer cared nearly as much about all that stuff….the things that used to bother me, I now could laugh off.

I think you should consider taking a break from social media too. Now, if you feel like your friends are flaking on you or not supporting you the way you support them, that’s valid, and something you should  consider talking to them about, but I wouldn’t make this all about their use of social media. I feel like that would actually distract from real issues you might have with them.

Post # 4
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I agree that you’re overthinking. I basically decide who to visit based on what’s convenient/where I’m already travelling for some other reason. It doesn’t really have anything to do with which friends I like more.

Between visiting two sets of parents for major holidays, other relatives for minor holidays, work travel, weddings, etc., most of my trips aren’t exactly a matter of choosing freely from anywhere in the world I want to go. There’s almost always a reason to be in a specific place at a specific time.

On the other hand, life was completely different in the past when I lived in the same area where I’d grown up, and my then-boyfriend was also from the same area. We saw our families all the time and visiting them didn’t take up all our vacation time and energy. It wasn’t until I moved away for grad school, and then married someone from a completely different region who had gone to school and lived in two other completely different regions, that I suddenly had way too many people to visit and not enough time to travel everywhere.

Basically, people’s lives are different. Be happy that you have time to visit your friends and stop expecting that everything is exactly quid-pro-quo. Friendships don’t work that way; it’s not a business transaction. Either continue to make the effort if you think the friendships are worthwhile, or don’t make the effort if they’re not.

Post # 5
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think everyone’s friend dynamics can vary for sure. And I think social media is tricky because we feel like what people share on there reflects what is important to them. And if we’re not ever part of what’s shared, I can see that bothering some people. 

Maybe the better way to approach this is to ask what you feel like they’re thinking. Are you feeling like they don’t care about you as much? Like they aren’t as proud of their friendship with you? Are you just feeling left out? Are you equating their social media posts on the same level as time and money to visit?

i think there’s a fine line too when it comes to reading “effort”. I don’t tend to be in contact with friends all the time. But I also admit there’s something to be said for someone making the effort if you’re important enough to them. Especially since you’ve asked for some effort and don’t see it, you have to accept what they’re “telling” you. Actions speak louder than words. The thing is – you have to decide if you’re okay with how things are and either live with it or try to move on to some new friends that are more present in your life. You can’t force someone to make you feel more important or valued, you know. But you can still be you and be a friend – you may just have to learn not to expect things back in the same way you give.

Post # 10
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m not sure if you’re overthinking but I’ll share my experience. I definitely agree that some people have different social media dynamics with different people.  My bff from college lives about an hour from me and she is always checking in on Facebook, posting pics, tagging friends, etc. but when I come visit her social media is completely silent. Or she’ll post a picture of a drink and tag the location but not me (always tags her other friends). I have no idea why this is and I agree it hurts. I told my husband and he said that I was totally overthinking. So I get it and it is a valid feeling. If you’ve brought that up with them and they brushed it off then maybe it truly is a nonissue. In terms of the visits, can you initiate making plans? Maybe a group trip or reunion will help you feel more connected to the group. 

Post # 12
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

View original reply
akshali2000 :  I’ve wondered this about my BFF. She calls me her BFF as well, (and I’m her MOH) but she posts photos,  etc when she’s out with some of her other friends,  and never with me.  I’ve come to the conclusion that we just have a deeper friendship. Instead of spending time posing for selfies, we talk about our lives and what’s really going on. 

Maybe that’s what is going on with you, or it could just be a symptom of every friendship being different . 

Post # 15
3679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, it sounds like they’re not as close of friends as you think they are. 

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