Friends with a married colleague

posted 4 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

I don’t see how any of this is your fault – he clearly read what he wanted to into the situation. What are you supposed to do, be a humorless stick in the mud so that no man ever thinks you could possibly be flirting? 

I really do not believe that anyone should be expected to curtail themselves due to a colleague’s gender. It is not my job to make sure my male coworkers don’t think I’m flirting, especially when I am not flirting and my actions are consistent across all coworkers. So long as you follow company policies of decorum, that’s all you need to do. It’s not your job to police others’ feelings or what is appropriate behavior in their own relationship. 

His feelings are on him. Maybe he’s butthurt that you don’t have feelings for him, or maybe he just realized his feelings were inappropriate and he needed to cut contact. Either way, just continue on with the group as you did before, but I would avoid one on one coffee runs with Bob.

Post # 3
Member
6167 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly it sounds to me like you did nothing wrong and your paranoia is a product of this woman viewing the conversation differently than others. I’d guess it was all just harmless banter, overheard by someone who wouldn’t care for it herself. That doesn’t make it wrong. At most, I’d dial it back a little if you are worried it makes others uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t shut down my friendship because of her. 

On the other hand, why’d he block you though? Did she make similar comments to him? Was he actually crushing and took steps to shut it down? You’ll probably never know for certain. My suggestion if you work together in future is to keep it friendly but not do the 1:1. And mostly try not to think about it. 

Interestingly, I had a male friend in college that I loved hanging out with but wasn’t interested in dating.  Another friend of mine swore he was into me and suddenly I couldn’t get my mind off of it. Yet ultimately we were not meant to be a couple, we wouldn’t have done well together, and we’re still friends to this day, but I had to let that comment go (also she isn’t a friend any longer, so that’s a fair point too… just how good a friend is this wonman?)

Post # 5
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 1995

Hmm…How good a friend is the woman colleague? I can’t be sure from your description, but she sounds like she could be kind of a sh– stirrer.

Who knows if she has been talking to Bob about you privately, just as she talked about Bob privately to you, i.e. “Bob, I know that you would never encourage Anon, but you made some suggestive remarks to her at the party and that’s why she left. She asked me to leave with her…” 

Of course, I could be completely wrong, but it’s the female colleague that seems to be the common denominator here. 

Post # 7
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Okay my comment got deleted, so here goes…Bob’s wife seems to be conveniently missing from any of these social gatherings where he hung out with you and your Fiance. You and he spent a LOT of time together alone away from coworkers. I would be pissed if my husband was hanging out with a woman from work socially and I wasnt invited.

Worse he made comments about your chest size. That isnt a friend or good coworker. That is a man who is trying to get with you. Then deep in drinks he makes inappropriate and suggestive comments to you. You didnt even shut him down. Whether he misconstrued the situation or not, you also misconstrued it, because its sleazy for anyone to make comments about their co workers chest size. Yet you brush it off as if its no big deal. I can say all day long my tits are bothering me, but if a co worker said something to me about my chest size I would be in human resources so fast he would think it was last week. 

And now you miss Bob, he has blocked you. I might speculate that Bob is a dog and maybe his wife caught the texting (his end) that went on after the inappropriate incident. All that said, it seems to me that you liked the attention he was giving you, because lets be honest, if you didnt like the attention you would have shut that shit down and you wouldnt be worried that some guy who made a pass at you blocked you on social media.

ETA: Maybe the coworker is smarter than you both. She saw inappropriate actions from him (suggestive pass) and the amount of time you were spending together and possibly concluded there was more than work going on. Maybe she was warning you that it could hurt your career. 

By The Way: I dont buy that you thought he was harmless. Whether you encouraged him or not, we all know that when a man makes a comment about a woman’s body its because he has checked that body out. You just gloss over it. This isnt a long time friend who you have known from childhood, who can say shit that most people cant get away with. This was a coworker. All the signs for a work place crush were there and you apparently didnt notice the signs. 

Post # 8
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

anon1223 :  Yeah anytime the wife is conveniently missing from events and a man is making comments about another woman’s breast, the first question out of my mouth would be, “So Bob where is your wife at this evening?” 

About two years ago a friend of my husband’s, I became really good friends with his wife. Anyways he showed up at a work function with a woman who wasnt his wife. She was from the district office, and they had met at a conference. He didnt see us, he had his arm around her. I marched right up to him, he looked shocked, and I said, “Hi Neal (not real name) where is your lovely wife and my best friend?” Then I looked right at the woman and said, “Hi Im Ms. Princess Anon and he is married to one of my dear friends and Im heading to the ladies room to give her a call. 

You never saw a woman disappear so fast and him with a look of sheer terror on his face. 

If you do go back to your previous employment. Keep Bob at arms length. He sounds like trouble. 

Post # 9
Member
44 posts
Newbee

princessanon0125 :  omg. Every girl needs a friend like you as a bestie. That “stay out of it” business is for the birds. I commend you on your directness. 

Did you actually call his wife?

Post # 10
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Bob WAS being inappropriate to talk about a colleague’s chest! Totally not okay. So, either one of two things- Bob either realized how badly he screwed up and turned the whole thing around in his head so it was your fault, or when Bob lobbed the ball in your court and you didn’t run with it, he felt rejected and got mean. Bob is not your friend. He was friendly to you to get something from you. Avoid Bob.

Post # 11
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I don’t think it is cool at work, or at a work function, to flay anyone, male or female, about their marital fidelity. 

If you think it is any of your business, get the maybe-cheater to a private area and dump on them as to what the hell they think they are doing. That is, if they are on an equal footing with you at work. If they are a superior, say nothing. Even if you find them making out with someone in the broom closet, keep your mouth shut.

By doing it in front of everyone, you embarrass them but also make yourself look bad. You look immature and ill-equipped to handle things in a mature manner. Not a good fit for sensitive matters in the workplace. 

In private if you must; don’t look like a wild-eyed keeper of other’s fidelity. And if you think you might be giving the married men friends at work the wrong idea, then stop whatever it is you are doing and keep it busunesslike. Don’t grab coffee, don’t grab a beer. 

Post # 12
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

beepboopbop :  Yup I sure did. They went to marriage counseling. Him and my husband are no longer friends, because he told my husband I should mind my own business. My Darling Husband told him to stuff it. Im still friends with the wife, we are great friends. 

I guess I want to be kind of friend I want to have. I would certainly want my friend to tell me if my Darling Husband was on a date with another woman if she saw them somewhere. 

Post # 13
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Maybe his wife saw the text message he sent you, and thought something more was going on. Perhaps she asked him to delete and block you. 

Post # 15
Member
1520 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly I wouldn’t dwell on it. I have the same relationship with my male colleagues. Im leaving them soon too and so sad about it. I would still go back if I were you and it aligned with your careers goals. There could be 101 reasons bob has gone off you on social media.

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