Post # 1
So Fiance and I have been having some issues recently about me being invited to hang out with his friends.
So he tells me today he was talking to a friend and she is recently back in the state and they were going to hang out after work sometime and I can come.
Sounds great right? Except this is someone he dated for two weeks in college and he actually left me for her. They met when he was just away at college, connected and almost kissed and then he broke up with me and then they fully got together. They drifted apart after a couple of weeks and we got together not too long after. That was 8 years ago, so I’m as past it as you can get. However, he doesn’t think it’s a problem for us to all hang out. I think it’s a problem for him to hang out with her at all in any situation.
Thoughts? Am I overreacting? If I trust Fiance should he be able to be friends with anyone, regardless of the past? Or should he cut ties out of respect for me?
Post # 3
@Cem0930: I can see why you would be uncomfortable, because he left you for her, buuuuut I would go out with them if I were you. They dated for two weeks 8 years ago, so it doesn’t sound like anything serious.
If you don’t want to go that’s fine, but unless she does something shady I wouldn’t recommend you expecting him to cut ties. Be happy and go with him, he is being a good FH by showing off his FW.
Post # 4
@Cem0930: Part of me is tempted to say to just let it go because it was a 2-week fling, but I get that you’re upset because he left you for her, so it’s a sore spot. If you feel uncomfortable with it, I think you should be honest with him and tell him if you don’t want him hanging out with her. If I were him, I would totally understand. Just be honest about how you feel.
Post # 5
I totally understand why that would make you uncomfortable. Has he been friends with this woman for the past 8 years? If they realized after two weeks that they would only work as friends and have been friends ever since (and you’ve known that), then I’d probably explain why I didn’t love the idea but go with them… maybe you’ll like her (a stretch, I know).
If they’ve barely spoken over the last 8 years but she’s around and they’re meeting up, I’d give a big hellllllllllllllll no to that!
Honestly I think every relationship has its own boundaries, but if you’re uncomfortable with this woman (and I think legitimately, given your FI’s past with her), he should respect that… In any event I don’t think you’re overreacting… seems very understandable to me why this person in particular isn’t your favourite friend of his.
JMO… I hope things work out for you however you decide to deal with it!
Post # 6
@sessaj: So the current friendship is somewhere in between the two, but closer to out of the blue than been friends all this time. About two years ago I became aware that Fiance (then SO) was texting with her. And he informs me that they used to talk online a lot towards the end of college. So they haven’t actually seen each other since they stopped dating really. Two years ago when I found out they were texting I put up a big fuss about it but the subject ended up being dropped. He didn’t say he was or was not going to stay in communication. I didn’t push the subject.
Post # 7
i think it is completely inapproriate for him to want to hang out with a girl he had a 2 week fling with (at the expense of YOUR heart) 8 years ago. it’s pointless. what the fuck could he possibly want to say/do with her? do they have a big past together as good friends or something?
i have no problem with the whole “friends withe exes”. i see my husband’s ex girlfriend at mutual friends’ parties sometimes and she’s on my facebook. and my ex from my early 20s is on my facebook and my husband and i have run into him a couple times out drinking and they were cool with each other. but this is totally different. he wants to meet up with a fling that broke your heart 8 years ago. that’s just shitty if you ask me.
you’re not overreacting.
Post # 8
Thanks for the input everyone.
We talked it out and he said he feels pretty stupid that he never stopped to think how it would make me feel.
At around the time when we broke up in addition to this girl there was some other pretty difficult stuff with our relationship that we later worked through and I think that this chick pretty much just drags up old things for me that I’d rather leave in the past.
It’s nice to hear that I’m not overreacting though. It’s easy for me to think that I’m just being a control freak.
Post # 9
Sounds pretty sketchy, I’m glad you talked to him and he realized the circumstance it left you in!
Post # 10
Oh yeah. If this was my boyfriend, I’d let him see her, but he’d better be taking me along to “meet” her! REALLY glad he came to his senses!
Post # 11
so happy to hear you guys talked about it and he was understanding! With your response about the “status” of their friendship, I was definitely on the “hell no” side of the fence.
Post # 12
Thanks again everyone! It really is great to have others tell me I’m not crazy because I think it’s definitely easy when you get these feelings to feel like you’re being a little off or crazy because I know I definitely have had my crazy moments before.
He said he thought it was a long time ago and it wasn’t a big deal but he didn’t really think about how it would make me feel and that he can definitely see my side of things and why I was uncomfortable with it.
Wow, we really are getting better at this whole thing called communication.
Post # 13
So OP, you didn’t go out to meet her? I’d be less than thrilled…
Post # 14
My BIG and only question is: WHY would he want to meet up with her? To talk about old times? As “just friends”?
Some things should be left where they belong. In the past. I’m super glad, however, that he is taking your feelings into account.
Post # 15
@mireisen: To say no would be an understatement.
@Just_Squeeze: Thanks! Knowing my Fiance as I do, I truly do know why he would want to meet up with her and that it was innocent. He has drifted away from a lot of friends since HS and college ended and like me, has some trouble making new friends, being somewhat of a homebody. But it feels great to know that my feelings are respected that much.