(Closed) Friends with married ex on Facebook, feel so depressed and sad

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I know it’s hard seeing others start to get married, buy homes and have children. I hate that I envy a lot of people! I am in a good relationship but we are such late bloomers. We have been dating for 6 years and are finally getting engaged in about a month. I just don’t get how it’s so easy for others to have all these things while we have to struggle for everything.

You are so young! Try being in my shoes! (I’m 26!!) LOL.

I don’t think you should get to in depth with how this is all making you feel. Maybe bring up that you have noticed some of your acquaintances are getting married and what not and you hope your time isn’t that far off. See how he responds.

Post # 4
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I know, that feeling must suck. I, personally, haven’t witnessed an ex get married, but I find a bit of jealousy with my friends, and I have taken it out on my SO. You are very young. I am 25 and been with my SO for 5 years, with no clear engagement soon, so I understand what the itch to get married feels like. You have to think long term though. You want to have a lasting marriage, not one that lasts only a couple years, and studies show if you get married that young, you have an extremely high chance of divorce.

Also, marriage doesn’t always mean they’re happy. I’ve seen a lot of unhappy marriages. Try to enjoy your SO as much as you can. My SO said to me “if we look back 20 years from now, will it really matter if we got married 1 or 2 years later? Are you going to still love me in 2 years? So, it’s probably better to get married when the time is right”  It’s hard now, but it’ll be worth the wait.

Post # 5
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Could you hide him from your newsfeed until you feel less sad about the whole thing? Out of sight, out of mind.

Also, try reframing things. “20 years old and already tied down with a fucking 30-year mortage? Blech!”

Post # 6
Member
15 posts
Newbee

I’ve been with my SO for 4.5 years and there’s no egagement in sight. I know it SUCKS seeing other people get to where you want to be first, especially if they’ve been together less time than you. You’re both very young and have only been together two years. Try and think about the positives or at least the ‘it could be worse!’ scenerios ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think for many people, planning a wedding is very stressful (I know for me it has been far more stressful than fun).  I bought my first house when I was 23, and it was the MOST stressful thing I’ve ever done.  In fact, now that I’ve left it behind, I don’t look forward to buying another one for quite some time, and I’m 30 now.  Enjoy your wonderful life that you have with your SO, because these things that you see pictures of aren’t always as easy and fun as they look.

Post # 9
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@tngirl92:  This feeling will pass. I think that it’s natural to feel a bit sad when exes have big things happen to them like this. Keep in mind though that pictures only tell part of the story. I am not saying that this is necessarily the case, but the couple may be in massive debt.. wedding to start out, and now a house. You just never know. Even if they are in a place where they can actually afford all this, and everything is hunky dory, then you just have to tell yourself that this will happen for you as well. All in good time.

Post # 10
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

You’ve got a lot of years of friends and ex’s most likely getting married before you.  I was the opposite, I rushed into getting married before all of my friends.  I had the house, the cars, the boat, the motorcycles, the dog, the family, etc….  And then my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married and over night I was a young divorcee watching all of my friends get married, buy houses, and have babies.  It sucked so I know how you feel.

When the time is right for you it will be your turn.  At 18 and 19 it’s hard to believe that you will experience so many things and change so much before you turn 25.  You don’t believe it until you turn 25, take a look around and realize how much you’ve changed without even noticing it.  I married young but I felt old enough at 23 to make that decision.  Being divorced 3 years later was devastating, especially since I had invested so much of my time and energy in my now ex husband rather than in myself.  Oh and that house and boat and those motorcycles?  He got them all in the divorce since I didn’t have a job where I could afford to make the payments on any of it.

There’s a great country song called “You’re Going to Miss This.”  It think it does a great job of showing how we all want to rush into things when we’re young and it’s exciting (getting married, buying a house, and having babies is exciting) but you realize how much you missed out on because you were so focused on the next step in life.

Post # 11
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I know this sounds condescending, but as you pointed out you are so very young.  Don’t be in such a rush to grow up so-to-speak.  There are a lot of great things about not having the responsibility of a house and a mortgage.  You shouldn’t live your life like it is a series of things to check off some grand list. 

Best advice I can give is to enjoy college and your relationship.  Be thankful that you have found someone and trust in God that things will come for you at the right time.  Live in the present, and focus on the positive.

Post # 12
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s normal to be a bit disappointed or melancholy when we see someone having the things we want for ourselves, especially if that other person used to be an important part of our lives.  It’s not healthy, though, to dwell on it, or to compare the ex’s new relationship to your new relationship, or to “stalk” them on facebook.

My advice would be to appreciate your relationship for what it is, and enjoy all the many stages it will go through, and most importantly, drop the ex from your facebook.  It’s really not healthy to keep your ties to him because that is making your life more difficult and not enriching you in any way.

Post # 13
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

I felt that way a few years ago. My boyfriend and I have been dating since the end of my freshman year of high school, so once I got into college I was talking about engagement to the point of being annoying to him and all my girl-friends. I got really mad at my dad when he told me “no rings” with regards to what my boyfriend should get me for an upcoming Christmas. The nerve of him!

Of course, a few years later (and still waiting), I’m glad that we didn’t get engaged then, and I’ll be pretty okay for waiting until at least 25 (but by then, my patience will probably be wearing out). I think we’ve both improved as people, and we are getting to the point where we are getting jobs and figuring out our professional futures, which will give us less to figure out when the time finally comes.

Waiting’s a bitch, but at our age (I’m still only 21, I’ve got more growing up to do) it’s really good for us. I honestly got over other people’s engagements by ridiculing them in my head, saying they weren’t going to work, that they were so young, that it was going to be hard, etc., which might sound mean but it helped me a lot.

Post # 14
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Coming from someone who is a little older, I totally understand the longing to be married, and all that comes with it.  But there is a time and a place for everything in your life, and for some people it might not be when you are 18 or 19.

I remember crying to my mom when my LITTLE sister got married, then had kids because I just really yearned to be married and have children and all that.  I eventually just tried to remember that I couldn’t rush things, and I wanted to get all these wonderful things at the right time for me.  

Now at 30, I am so. glad. I waited.

I feel so confident that I am with the right person, at the right time for ME.  It may be different for other people, but I know more of who I am as a person, I’m a little more mature, and I’ve enjoyed the years and experiences I’ve had… even as a single person!

So, in short, enjoy the place you are at right now. Really live each stage of your life, and it will make you all the more grateful and happy for each experience you have. 

Post # 15
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@tngirl92:  It’s pretty clear from your post that your ex and his new wife aren’t the point. It’s that seeing their facebook feed has brought out a longing you have for your own future. To me this means that the single best thing you can do to help yourself and these feelings is change your perspective.

Turn off his facebook feed. Unfriend him, if you have to (you can re-friend later)!! Next, take the focus of dreaming for the future and focus on the objectives you have in front of you — finishing college! Enjoy your current relationship with your boyfriend and work on that, it’s the way to an eventual proposal, not being moody and stuck in your own head, which can unintentionally destroy your relationship!

You have a lot of time to marry and have a house and all that. Enjoy the journey.

Post # 16
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Oh geez, you don’t wanna be weighed down by all those things at 18/19! Get out and see things, live a little, stop worrying about buying a house and getting married, you have PLENTY of time for the future, but you don’t have plenty of time to enjoy the present! ๐Ÿ™‚

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