(Closed) Friendship / bridal party – would love some advice!

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Oh, nooooo!!!  That’s awful all around, sorry you’re in the middle of that. I’d say let her bow out unfortunately. 

Post # 4
1227 posts
Bumble bee

@sydneygal444:  Honestly, given she created the drama by confessing to her ex about her infidelity, I would ask her to step down.

Post # 5
133 posts
Blushing bee

I’d keep her.  If she already paid for a dress, it’s only practical.  Lose the guy.  He shouldn’t be making demands on YOUR wedding day.  Likely his tux hasn’t been paid for yet, so it’s no loss to let him out.

Post # 6
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Really tough position to be in, so sorry!

I would decide based on who you are closer too… it sounds like you were friends with her first? Does her relationship mean more to you than his, or vice versa?

And hopefully you’re too-pregnant bride can still stand with you on your day? One of my girls was 8 months pregnant. Another was 1 month post and breast feeding, they both looked great!

Post # 7
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

What a crappy situation, i’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle of this.  Its definitely not fair to you and your Fiance.  🙁 I don’t really think there is any win in this situation if your friends ex really expects you to choose one or the other.  Maybe give it some time?  Since your wedding is 5 months away, maybe he will cool off and deal with her in the wedding for you and your FI?

Post # 9
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

This sucks… and I get that

As someone who has been married & divorced, I can say that ontop of everything else that is painful, having one’s friends & family members pick sides can be devastating.

Sadly, that looks like what is going to happen here.

You are going to have to pick… or graciously accept someone’s offer to not participate

(Personally if given the latter that is the way I’d go)

She has said she’ll step aside… probably knowing full well that she has put her Ex thru H3LL it really is the more honourable thing to do.

And if she has any class at all, 5 months from now if things haven’t come to sort of tolerable solution between the two of them, she’ll also be the one that declines the Invite to your Wedding

Knowing full well that her being there, participating in a Wedding is only going to bring back memories for him that will be hard to handle.

So there you have it… You’ll be down 2 Bridesmaids.

But c’est la vie.  Stuff happens… the cost of a Dress isn’t a big deal in the world where Divorce often means the loss / cost of a friendship

This may be the one way to salvage that… just means you all won’t be socializing with the 2 of them at the same time in the future… but still 100x better than when people choose sides, and the odd man out is truly devastated by the fall out

I was the odd man out in my Divorce.  My Ex did everything in his power to make my life a living H3LL.  Including monopolizing all our Friends… he had the money to do it, so he’d Invite them out to Dinner etc. 

It was very awkward for me to find out when I reached out to someone and they’d say… “Oh you should know we have seen Jack… he took us out to Dinner last week at that fabulous new trendy place”…

Really… how nice of him.  Especially considering he’s run off with all OUR / MY Money… and yet manages to you all out for a $ 500 meal. 

It was horrible / painful, and humiliating to say the least.  I just could not continue friendships with many of these people after that… (and he knew that would be the case, which is why the scum-bag no doubt did it… Friendships are important to me.  Lol, not so much to him, after spreading OUR / MY money around the neighbourhood for a few months, of course he didn’t keep up the friendships… it was all an act… but the damage had already been done, he had put the spin on our Divorce that he wanted).

Anyhow, ya one Bridesmaid’s Dress… small price to pay.

As for the Guy… I very much get WHY he made that phone call to you / so called demand.  He is hurting really really bad after what she’s done… told him.  He cannot imagine himself in a Wedding with her whatsoever… hence the “Me or Her” comment.

You have to feel for the guy.  This isn’t so much a demand on you as @oldmatron:  sees it, but a honest cry for help.  I really feel for this poor guy.

She has been terrible to him **

Good luck with this, hopefully a bit of time and things will be a bit brighter closer to your Wedding Day

(( HUGS ))

** NOTE to self as you forward with your own Wedding, make a Vow to one another, that if your feelings change you’ll have a talk about it long before one of you goes off to do the deed with someone else… it really is the RESPECTFUL thing to do.  (Mr TTR & I have swore this to be our compass).  People who cheat really really hurt their partners in a way that is unfathomable until you’ve actually been married… because as HIGH as the spirit is lifted for a Wedding (all that anticipation, excitement etc) coming down on the other side is the worse feeling in the entire planet.  Honestly, Death is easier… cause then there is some real closure.  Divorce is just a huge gaping weeping sore


Post # 10
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sydneygal444:  It sucks that she cheated on him, but the groomsman had no right to tell you who you can and can’t be friends with.

What do you think happens at the weddings of children of divorced parents? My father cheated on my mother. But my mother had more class than to tell me that I wasn’t allowed to associate with him. And yes, they have tolerated each other’s presence at 2 weddings – but we seated them well apart.

I advise you to stay in touch with the girl if you want to, and if the friendship continues then invite her to your wedding as a guest. Do not invite her new partner if she has one though – it is too soon. (ETA: And not in the bridal party either – too much of them being close during the photo session. I think her stepping down from the bridal party is appropriate).

Also, it is possible that in a few months the Groomsmen may have cooled down a bit, and will be open to being in the same room as his ex.

Post # 11
15 posts

Oh boy..well if they are both such good friends of yours and this situation was created by them, they should both graciously bow out as to not create any more drama on YOUR day.  You don’t want fake smiles for the camera and any uncomfortable position that they may have to be placed in.  Let’s face it, it doesn’t have to be advertised for everyone else to know where they will have to tread lightly around them all day.   I wish you much luck with this one.

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