- 4 years ago
I have been very good friends with this woman for almost 8 years – let’s call her Nancy. We met at work and were part of a group of close friends, including the man who eventually became her fiance. A couple of years ago, they moved across the country. I made a point of staying connected with her: calls, emails, “just thinking of you” texts, Facebook, and I even flew out for a visit about a year ago (which was a couple of months after they got engaged) and stayed with her and her fiance.
I was the first of ANY of her friends to visit, and am still one of a VERY few who actually made a trip just to see her (not even her Maid/Matron of Honor, also part of our friend group, visited, and she is geographically much closer to Nancy). At that time, she told me that she felt she couldn’t ask me or another friend from that group (let’s call her Carol) to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. The reason that she voluntarily gave was because of her former BFF (let’s call her Betty). Betty had hurt Nancy very badly by basically ghosting on their friendship when Nancy moved. Betty is also a huge drama queen. So Nancy didn’t want to ask Betty to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, obviously. However she felt that if she asked me and Carol, and not Betty, that Betty would throw a gigantic fit and create a bunch of drama that Nancy didn’t want to deal with. So she told me she wasn’t going to ask either Carol or me for this reason and just avoid any issues. I was disappointed and a little hurt, but I know Betty’s fight-picking tendencies well and so I understood.
Fast forward to the wedding. Again, I flew across the country to be there. I showed up at what I had been told was the bachelorette party (turns out it was an after-party to her actual bachelorette party). At said party, I found out that Nancy had asked Carol to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man after all. I was honestly stunned. All of a sudden, I looked around the room and realized that I had been placed on the same friend level as Betty. (BTW, when the big day came, Betty was so late to the wedding that she missed the ceremony.)
Anyway, I had a very emotional reaction at the party and decided to leave so as not to ruin the evening for Nancy. It was difficult to act normal for the rest of the trip, but I put on a brave face and made it through. I decided to give everything some time to make sure I wasn’t overreacting.
A month later, I still couldn’t shake the hurt feelings. I wrote a short email to Nancy, telling her how it hurt my feelings that she didn’t tell me she had asked Carol to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man after all, and that I had felt blindsided when I finally put the pieces together. She wrote an extremely formal email back, saying that she was sorry I felt that way, that I was “a friend of hers” and that she was glad I had been at the wedding. That’s it. She signed it “sincerely,” as though she was writing to a stranger.
So either she lied to me in the first place about her reasoning for excluding me, or she later changed her mind and decided that Carol was worth any of the drama Betty might create, but that I was not. And then she refused to own up to any responsibility she had in hurting me.
Now, I feel that I need to pull way back from this friendship, possibly even let it go. Nancy’s actions have made it clear to me that she doesn’t value me nearly as much as I value her. That’s really what hurts the most. I want to be clear about that: it’s so not about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and putting on the dress and feeling special or any of that crap. It’s about her not valuing me as one of her closest friends, lying either blatantly or by omission, and then refusing to own any of it. I have tried so hard to be such a good friend to her, and she just doesn’t seem to care.
Should I try to explain one more time why I’m feeling the way I am? Or is it time to let the friendship go?