Post # 1
This is not a vent. Its more I guess just wanting to get this out…
I live far away from anything I find familiar. My fi is my best friend along with my dog. But, about one year ago I met a girl in the same line of work as myself. She was a really nice person and we hit it off right away. We both ended up getting other jobs and I even moved out of the country for awhile. But, then I returned. She was very interested in getting back together and talking, etc. Much to long of a time passed but we finally did get together. She told me she was going to have a baby and I was happy for her. Last time we saw each other was a little over 3 months ago. We were supposed to get together a few times but it seemed to always fall through. I feel the falling through had more to do with her end than mine. I’m busy also but I tried to keep the lines of communication open. I wrote her on facebook but she would always take forever to reply. Finally I decided to forget it and that I would not pursue this friendship anymore. Then yeasterday she writes me and wants to meet me at a restaurant which was my idea to do about 3 months ago. The only reason I meantioned this particular restaurant is I thought the location would be easy for her to get to. I really do feel that for some reason she wrote me and wants to meet with me now out of some form of obligation. I mean it seems as though she feels bad for not getting back to me sooner. But, I don’t want a friendship based on her feeling guilty for whatever.
My fi feels I deserve more out of a friend and I should communicate with her no more.
Post # 2
What is it about her email makes you think she is only writing back out of obligation? I have some friends that I only see once every 6 months or sometimes only once a year. There are times when we fall out of email touch for long periods of time (one of us does not respond). I find this especially true with ex-coworker friends. It’s harder to maintain the same level of friendship after you’ve left a job, as the common bond you shared is now gone. I had a coworker friend who I saw everyday at work and we hung out at least once a week outside of work. I left that job 7 years ago, and now we only see each other once every 6 months, if that. We both still like each other and care about each other but our lives took us in different directions. I still feel fondly for her. I bet your friend does as well. Not every friend can be a “best friend”.
Also, if this woman just found out she is pregnant or has already had the baby, she is probably super busy. My best friend recently had a baby and I’m lucky if I talk to her once a month 🙂
I wouldn’t place such high expectations on her as a friend just yet, especially since you’ve been away from each other for a while. She has a new routine now & sometimes it’s hard to make time. You can’t just instantly jump back into BFFs/seeing each other every week. You’ll probably have to build up to that.
Post # 3
chica95110: I think that you might have a different idea of the level of friendship you two have than she does. I think she see’s you more as an acquaintance and you see her as a friend.
She is probably not asking for a get together out of some kind of obligation but more that she prioritises other things above you her acquaintance. So when she has time to catch up she does.
There are different kinds of friendships and different levels of friendship. But I think that you need to expand your horizons. Pinning all your friendships on one person is not healthy, especially when they are not as invested as you.
Join a club, join a gym. go volunteer and make some more friends is the only advice I have for you.
Post # 4
I agree with PPs, you’re looking at friendship differently than she is
Not every friend you have has to be your best friend. I have quite a few friends that I only see/hang out with maybe twice a year, but it doesnt mean we arent friends or that I want to cut off the friendship with them, thats just what our friendship is. Sometimes its just nice to hang out with someone different, dont put all your eggs in this girls basket though, try and meet other people to be friends with, just dont cut this girl off just because you arent hanginging out every week.
Post # 5
It is interesting to hear what everyone has to say… I do think everyone here is right.
The girl is super busy especially now with a baby coming, yes. And for sure not every friend is a best friend. Friends do come in many different levels. As far as what I expect from her, I can’t even answer. I live in another country which is why this girl and I clicked at first. She is not from the country we are both living in either. Living in another country creaates feelings and issues that are difficult to explain. In the culture I live in now people stick to themselves for the most part. It can be lonely at times. This is one point that me and this girl have agreed on many times wishing things were different. As far as I go this type of situation ‘friendship’ ‘relationship’ does not work for me at this point of my life. Its just where I’m at right now based on circumstances. The interesting thing is this type of friendship would have been completely fine and workable if I still lived in the states. But, now things are very different in my life and I hate to say it but I’d rather not have an acquaintance type relationship.
Post # 6
If there are so few people you can connect with in the country where you are living, what do you have to lose by going? I feel like I’d be even more eager to give this person a chance and meet up with her. You have no idea what was going on in her life the past few months. Isn’t it better to have a friend you see every 3 months vs having no friends at all?
My husband and I have been living/traveling abroad for 16 months, so I get feeling socially lonely. Whenever anyone asks us to hang out, we’re so excited, like “yay we have a friend date!”. We try to live by the “never turn down an invitation” motto. This is a good article about it here: http://ayearon.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/never-turn-down-an-invitation/.
I feel like you are shutting things down before they even have a chance to begin. This girl may be just an acquaintance now, but it could evolve into friendship. Likewise, she may be able to introduce you to other people down the line. It’s obviously your choice, but I would really suggest keeping yourself open, especially when living abroad. Things will naturally come to you this way.
Post # 7
Kara001: Very thoughtful reply. I will think about what you said. Thank you.