Friendship problems.

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

She clearly suffers from depression, and likely other issues. Self harm isn’t “childish.” She needs professional help. And if you’re really her friend, you should be understanding and guide her down that path. 

 

When shes better you can gab about your dh 🙄

Post # 3
Member
7427 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Self-harm isn’t childish. It’s a very serious issue. Clearly she is struggling with some very serious mental health issues. You should be encouraging her to seek help from a professional. This post is just astounding, I mean holy shit, could you be any more insensitive?

Post # 4
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

“Recently though, all she seems to want is to text me about every little hardship she has in her life.”

Recently, and you are already over it? Be thankful you are not her, and try to assist her in seeking support. She most probably needs you right now and its a shame you feel you cannot be there for her. I understand you may not want to hear the gruesome in’s and out’s of what she does to herself and you have every right to ask her to please not go into detail. But please support her if she really is your friend as she deserves and definately needs it.

Post # 5
Member
6928 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

mercyonmeplease :  You’re not responsible for her mental health. As others have pointed out, self-harm is more serious than “childish” but you do not have to take it upon yourself to try to “fix” this — or anything else — for her. I don’t think you should feel guilty for needing to look out for your own mental health. I recommend telling her honestly that you are not equipped to help with her problems and that for both your sakes you need to pull back a bit. She’ll probably be upset, but she needs a professional. If she was your sister or a friend for 10 years, I’d say try to see her through her tough time, but this is someone you didn’t even know 2 years ago and it sounds like she’s not doing much to try and help herself. You’re not a bad person for saying “I’m not letting an emotional vampire suck the life out of me any more.”

ETA: I say that as someone with a mental health condition, and whose family is rife with serious mental health issues. I’m loving and compassionate, but there does come a point when it’s appropriate to say “I can’t help with this.” I’m not sure how recent “recent” is and whether this is a case of a fair weather friend, but in any case, if you can’t be supportive, it’s best for both people not to try to fake it.

Post # 7
Member
6928 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

mercyonmeplease :  “I guess im just in her very recent words, ” a horribly useless friend.”” — Ok, so what is the problem then? You don’t want to be her friend, she doesn’t value you as a friend…. win-win.

Post # 9
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

Every time she starts complaining or talking about self-harm, ask her if she’s tried professional help again.  If she says no, tell her you’ll have to politely decline to continue the conversation with her, because you’re not a professional and cannot help her with such serious issues.  There is no shame in admitting you’re in over your head.  Don’t make yourself a victim of compassion fatigue (which seems to be happening here), and don’t allow yourself to be used.  She has a lot of issues she needs professional help with, yes, but she also seems to be crying out for attention.  You’re giving it to her, so she’s going to repeat the pattern of coming to you for it indefinitely until you put your foot down. 

Post # 11
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

mercyonmeplease :  You’re a good friend for not wanting her to feel insignificant.  However, at this point, if she is repetitively complaining about the same things, talking them out with you isn’t helping either.  You can give advice until you’re blue in the face, but if it’s falling on deaf ears, then we’re back to square one: She’s using you for attention and nothing more.  

Having suffered from depression myself, I can tell you that it takes two things to get better: 1) Professional help (and possibly medication), and 2) The desire to get better.  If she doesn’t have those two things in place, there’s nothing that friendship can do for her.  I still think that your best approach is to say, “Friend, I love you and care about you so much that I have to admit that I don’t think I’m helping you get better, either.  I really, really want you to be happy.  Can you please consider professional help again?” 

Post # 12
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

It could be that both of your needs just don’t match at this moment. Friendships come and go and can absolutely come back again. But she’s sounding selfish and not actually wanting to change, so that she’ll feel better. And you’ve basically done all you can and all you’re willing to do. *shrug* sometimes you have to let go.

I like to do the listening and advice-giving when someone listens to me in return and really wants things to change. I talked my friend down from cutting herself. It made her feel in control of SOMETHING, anything, but I was the same age. Probably 11 or 12?

It was a lot of word manipulation, but I counted on things at the time being temporary and young, and that later on the skills her parents pressured her to learn would turn into something to fall back on while she decides to pursue something else in adulthood. I focused on telling her that things would not always be how they were at the moment.

Post # 15
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2019

“I feel whatever blessings I have in my life shouldnt be acknowledged when conversing with her or that I have to downplay them”

 

 

 

I completely understand where you’re coming from bee. I’ve been there, done that, and I’m still doing that. All you can do is continue encouraging her to seek professional help, be there for her in ways that are healthy for both of you, and focus more on the the equally-balanced, positive friendships in your life. I truly feel for your friend, depression can be hell to deal with, but don’t feel like you’re being insensitive. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting healthy friendships where both parties are equally supportive of one another.

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