- 7 years ago
I have a friend I’ve known since high school (that’s more than 20 years for me) -d’oh.
Anyway – she and I have had our ups and downs but I consider her one of my closest friends to this day.
In the last couple years – she’s had a hard time with me getting engaged/married. She’s feeling like the only person she knows that is single and feeling like me getting married will change our relationship.
Because of this – I feel like she’s pushed me back completely. At one point, she wanted to find out what she could do to make our relationship better. We had some dialogue about it, but the conversation never really took off nor were any conclusions made.
I feel like she’s retreating because she feels hurt and abandoned.
I know it’s not my job to fix things for her (I have the tendency to take on issues that are out of my control) and I know I can only offer her what I’m able to offer her.
Lately, she hasn’t been super responsive to my emails. When I called her earlier in the wee to chat – she said “…is everything ok? you usually don’t call me to just chat” – (which I took offense too), and making plans with her has been challenging (I told her I missed her and wanted to spend time with her and asked her if she was free to get together in the afternoon for coffee or something. She responded telling me how she had a bunch of errands she needed to do but would likely want coffee at some point.
That’s some recent background… I’m finding myself wondering what to do.
On one hand: I know you can’t force someone to be your friend. I feel like she’s written me off because she doesn’t want to be disappointed in her expectations for our friendship. I feel like her non-responsiveness is because she’s been hurt and this is how she’s lashing out.
Part of me wants to ask her: do you still want to be my friend, because it certainly doesn’t seem like it. But, I don’t think that’s a very good way to go about this….
On the other hand: Do I keep pursuing her, because I think the above assessment is right? Do I pretend to ingnore the passive-aggressive comments or the unanswered emails?
Darling Husband thinks I need to just leave it alone. He says that she has issues and I need to let her figure it out. While I agree with him, I’m not ready to walk away from the friendship… but maybe it’s time for me to step away and just acknowledge the fact that our friendship has changed.
Side note: spending time with her is ridiculously challenging because we have completely opposite schedules. Her work schedule is late, mine is early. That leaves only Saturday’s to get together, and those are few and far between on availability.
I’m also a planner and she’s more of a spontaneous type person. It drives her crazy when I try to make plans with her and she’d rather I just be up for something at the last minute. We’ve talked about this in the past, and she feels like when I make plans with her it’s a chore and something I’m trying to get done. vs. I feel like making plans with someone shows a desire to connect and spend time together. Anyway – that’s a topic for another thread – but in thinking how to move forward, I feel at a complete loss (since my gut feeling is to try to set a date to make plans with her – which I know will only do the opposite of what I’m trying to do).