Post # 1
I have had 2 close friends in my life. My Maid/Matron of Honor I havebeen like sisters with since we were 3 or 4. My matron of honor I has been one of my best friends since I was 14.. I’m 29 now. She has a ridiculously crazy, stressed, over-whelmed kinda life. Never has time to sleep, is married and has 2 kids. She almost never has free time for fun girly things and I get that and respect that/ However, I’ve known for 5 years that I wanted her in my bridal party. I asked her adn she hesitated thinking I would need her to take me places and do things and she didn’t want to let me down. I assured her I wasn’t going to count on her for those thingns and that I just want her to stand up there with me. SHe said yes.
A few months ago, she emailed me a long message about how she’s so sorry but she just can’t do it. She said she had to do “what was right for her and her family”… She did this at a time where I had more important things going on and I was just numb to this. I still don’t even know what emotion I have towards it.. I’m not mad, I’m upset but it’s more than that. ANyway, I’ve been over it pretty much. Sucks because there are bridesmaidy things I always want to ask her to do with me and the girls but then I think nevermind.
ANyway, the other day I found out she is in another friends bridal party! NOW I’m HURT! She has no time to be in my wedding party but now she is going to be in another friends party?! W are still friends and get together and talk and do friend things so it’s not like we drifted.
I haven’t said anything about how I feel or that I know about this and I don’t plan on it. Just wondering if anyone else went through anything like this. I guess that’s what I’m feeling now.. hurt. I guess I’m not important enough to her 🙁
Post # 3
I don’t blame you, that would really hurt my feelings as well. I don’t have any advice here just want you to know I totally sympathsize.
Post # 4
I don’t blame you either, and it’s really hard to bring up how you’re feeling to her – especially when you obviously still want to be friends with her. But you’re definitely allowed to be peed off.
I was in a semi-similar situation a few months ago when my best friend asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, I was really honoured and accepted straight away as there was only going to be one other bridesmaid. Everything carried rolling along and I gave her as much support as I could when she asked (believing it was my duty) until her engagement party arrived. Me and my fiance were standing around greeting people as they came in, while my friend was introducing the other bridesmaid to her parents as her Maid/Matron of Honor… Me and my fiance just kind of looked at eachother, wondering if we had overheard her wrong, but throughout the night she said it over and over again to different guests. I left soon after as I was quite upset, but didn’t want to cause a scene and go screaming up to her “I thought I was your MOH!!??”
It felt like a kick to the gut, just how you would have felt when you found out your ex-MOH was in another bridal party. And I’ll be honest, I’ve carried on with her since, pretending that she never asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor and just a bridesmaid. Sounds silly, but I don’t even want to confront her about it – can’t be bothered with the drama.
But I wish you good luck, and if you eventually decide that you want to confront your friend about her actions let me know, and I might do the same 🙂
Post # 5
Ugh…I asked a girl who I’ve been friends with since 7th grade (we’re 33 now) to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and she accepted! Since then, all wedding things have been ignored, texts, calls, fb messages..we live in different states, and when I go back she is unavailable to visit. soooo, I get it, you don’t want to be in the wedding!! She didn’t even rsvp to my wedding shower, and it was in HER town!!I finally took the hint after that.
Post # 6
Maybe your friend has learned from the current bridesmaid experience that she is just bad at it? It’s totally possible that she doesn’t have time for the duties of the current wedding she is in, and she doesn’t want to feel inadequate for you. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt.
My friend has recently been burned as her best friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor, and I can tell that she is afraid that I’ll go “drama bride” on her, too. Once a woman has had a bad bridesmaid experience, it is tough to try it again.
Post # 7
@nerdysarah: See that’s the thing, she hasn’t done it much and when she has she’s been an awesome BM/MOH! Plus the wedding she is in was just planned in the last month.. I had ased her over a year ago and she dropped out the beginning of this year. It’s frustrating.
@littlemisssally: Yea I don’t know if I see a point in bringing it up. I’m usually one to keep my mouth shut about my feelings because I ddon’t want to hurt anyone ELSE’S feeling… probably why I get upset a lot because I don’t speak up. Plus I figure she has the right to do what she wants and she has the right to opt out of mine but opt IN for someone elses and she knows exactly what she’s doing.
Was strange the other day because I was doing something all bridal and couldn’t help but ask her to come alone.. even told her “I know you’re freed of your Bridesmaid or Best Man duties but would love for you to come”… she couldn’t… busy.. she is ALWAYS busy so its not just a cop out but it really sucks. I actually WANT her there.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I’m guessing you don’t know the whole story here– I’m assuming since you’ve known eachother for so long, both of the women you asked know eachother?
If so, than my guess would be that your friend knew you were in good hands wiht your Maid/Matron of Honor, and felt like she could step away without leaving you high and dry.
The other friend’s wedding might not be the same situation, perhaps that friend doesn’t have anyone else, or perhaps that friend guilted her into doing it. Maybe the timing of the other wedding is easier for her and her family based on their schedule? Maybe she couldn’t afford the 2 dresses and had to choose?
I understand your feelings, and if you’re really that hurt, you should bring it up with your friend, but keep an open mind about her situation, and understand that she didn’t make the decision to cause you any pain, she probably had the best intentions at heart.
Post # 9
MaybeMaybe things changed and life freed up a bit but she doesn’t feel like she can ask you to be back in the wedding?
Post # 10
I’m very curious as to why you WOULDN’T ask her about this. I feel like this would ruin your friendship if you’re constantly wondering and feel betrayed! I think you have every right to be upset and you should ask her! I would just calmly ask why she feels she can handle being a Bridesmaid or Best Man but not your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 11
@Mars62312: In general I tend to let shit go and not confront people but just deal with being hurt. I don’t know why.. I guess I kidna feel like everyone is entitled to feeling and doing however they please and I don’t have the right to question it or tell them what they should do. She also knows she is one of my closest friends and knows I was going to let her do whatever she could if even nothing more than standing besides me.
Her life hasn’t freed up at all. Actually she seems to have been letting her crazy life get to her even moreso.
This is why it really makes me feel like it is ME. I swer I’m not being a crazy bride either. I don’t know.. I hate when I let things slide like its no big deal but then I feel bad inconveniencing people. 🙁
Post # 12
I can understand what you are feeling. My cousin who is also my daughter’s God father is getting married. As a matter of fact we both are within months of eachother. Many months ago he asked me if my daughter his God daughter could be one of his flower girls. I was excited to say yes! Then recently he came over and regretfully told me that he was planning to ask me about my daughter being in the wedding but that his fiance had “accidently” asked her friend to have her daughter be the flower girl and that although he was uppset he didn’t know how to unask her. In my mind, I was thinking..”Um, the way you just unasked your godchild” I was really hurt but haven’t said anything to him. I do plan on telling him it hurt my feelings but am waiting for the right time because I don’t want it to be a big drama. He is one of the groomsmen in my wedding and don’t want to make that awkward either. In your case since you also are still on good terms with your friend i would bring it up and let her know how you feel and how you have always pictured sharing this experience with her., maybe she will understand better that this is important to you or maybe there is aan underlying reason and talking about it will help clear the air.
Post # 13
@Sassy78: Wow, that is hurtful. Why couldn’t that have 2 flowergirl anyway? Just means MORE cuteness and MORE flowers!! 🙂
I actually spoke with my X-MOH’s best friend/my good friend who didn’t even know about this and agreed with me that it is hurtful and that our friend has changed a lot and is too busy for anybody these days and that you can’t even talk to her or she blows up. She really is too busy for everybody and doesn’t know how to handle it. That sucks and I respect it though. Honestly though, at this point, I really DON’T want her in the bridal party. I don’t want her doing something she doesn’t wanna do. That doesn’t make me feel good ya know. If she is in the other girl’s party though, that’s just messed up. Oh well.. I don’t need a drama filled bridal party so I justlet it be.
Post # 14
@StarIzInkd:Yea the less drama free the better anyway. I have that going on now. My Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t very friendly to my other girls and is making the other girls feel uncomfortable. She isn’t really planning anything and when she is it’s things only she likes but hasn’t talked to any of the other girls. One of my Bm’s is being awesome. She is planning everything and always available to give ideas and is always trying to think of ways to make this wedding better. At this point I would rather have her be the maid of honor, but I won’t do what my cousin did and hurt someone else..So, I just plan on having a sit down with moh and ask if she still wants to do this or I’ll understand if she would like to relinquish some of her duties if it’s too much for her and have the other more involved girl step in. As for my cousin in time I will bring up but for now it is what it is. Good luck with your wedding though. It sounds like you have a good outlook on things 🙂
Post # 16
@Sassy78: I’m trying with the good outlook … really I’m just sick of having a shitty one ya know?
I’m sure in the end it will all work out for you guys and be wonderful. The “extras” ie: Maid/Matron of Honor, bridalparty, etc. are important to us for unique reasons but in the end its the man we are marrying that is all that matters right? 🙂