Post # 1
I’m just a little bit upset and wanted to vent. SO and I have only been together for a little more than half a year but around the 4th month he suggested that we would get married by the end of 2012. For the past 2 months I got super excited, thinking a proposal should be coming soon and basically started dreaming of our wedding. Just last night though, SO hinted that we should wait and get married around after 5 years. He didn’t really give a reason as to why…
I know most people on this board have been waiting for much longer than 5 years and I shouldn’t complain at all. I can’t help but feel really disappointed though…
Has this ever happened to anyone too?
Post # 3
If he didn’t give a reason he may just be joking around with you.
Post # 4
Wait, what? After only 4 months of dating he said something about wanting to be married in around a year….2 months later and he’s saying in 5 years?
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are the two of you? Was what he said about 2012 more of a casual comment or part of a serious discussion about marriage/the future? It kinda sounds like he made the first suggestion without having considered it carefully and may be trying to backtrack here
ETA: I reread that and I didn’t mean it to sound like I’m saying he couldn’t propose that fast…my parents got engaged 2 wks after meeting (definitely not typical for a modern American couple) and 31 years later are the happiest couple I know
Post # 6
@GroovyHippieChick: Thanks… I too hope he was joking, but maybe he thought 1 year wasn’t enough to plan a wedding? I told him I really didn’t want an elaborate one and we both agreed on a small wedding.
I’m 22 and SO is 25. When I first heard him say 2012 I was shocked too, only because I thought that was early too. But I confirmed with him a few times a week or two after he said it and he said he wasn’t joking. I guess reasonably by the end of 2012 may be too rushed… but 5 years is a huge jump for me…
Post # 7
@kaykissx2: It really seems like soemthing else is up for a jump like that. I would just ask him straight, but you may not get an honest answer. He may be trying to throw you off, or he may have just truly changed his mind. If he changed his mind, it’s because he truly wants to wait, or something has him spooked. No matter what, I would talk to him about it and be open, but do it in in a nonthreatening way, asking what his goals are and what he wants from your relationship in the next few years.
Post # 8
i have 2 questions.
1. what’s the rush? at 22 and dating less than a year, i tend to think it feels a little rushed. it’s still deep in the “infatuation” stage. not to say it doesn’t ever work, but just wondering if there’s a distance or military or some other issue…
2. why don’t you ask him directly for a reason?
Post # 9
Honestly, I don’t think he meant what he said at the 4 month mark. A LOT of guys will stay stuff like that when they are in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, but they don’t actually think about the implications of what they are saying, and later on they backtrack. His 5 year comment is probably more in line with what he actually wants than his “end of 2012” comment, imo.
Post # 10
@MrsDulce: I really can’t think of anything right now that I’ve said or done to make him change his mind that fast. Just over the weekend we were planning about moving in together after I graduate and how much money we would be able to save up when I start working as well. Our financial situation is ideal… Our relationship has been really steady as well… I really don’t know…
Thanks, a lot of people agree that 1 year is too short to know someone and not be blinded to their flaws. It’s cliche but I feel he is the one.
As for your second question, he explained that 1 year was not long enough to plan a wedding and it’ll be better to have more time to plan it right. I just don’t understand why 5 years…
Post # 11
@make me believe: That’s what I’m thinking….
Though to OP, my Fiance said he wanted to marry me about one month into dating. I gave him an eye roll for a response. A year later we were living together, and as soon as the house was done came the dream ring…so sometimes they “just know” too 🙂
Post # 12
Agree with PP that his comment earlier on probably wasn’t serious. 5 years would be a long time, but if that’s too long for you, I’d bring it up in a year or 2 rather than now when you’re still in a new relationship.
Post # 13
I’ll jump on the “what’s the rush” bandwagon. I say this on every thread with young couples, but I truly believe waiting until your brain’s matured (~25/26) is a good time to get married. You’re really young, and this is the time of your life to grow.
I will, however, advise you to think about when WOULD be a time that YOU want to get married, and make those expectations clear now, since he brought it up. I’m saying this because if I’d done that earlier in my relationship, I think it would have saved me a lot of trouble. SO and I started dating when I was 23; at the time, he was very clear about the fact that he was ready to be married, would be married by now if he could be. I took his word for it and didn’t push the issue, plus formed expectations based on him saying that. I figured at 23 I was too young for marriage, but a year or two and I’d be ready. I also strongly believed in the “two year rule”, but never mentioned that, because he’d been so open about his desire for marriage I figured it wouldn’t be an issue. Well, it turned out he wasn’t as ready to be married as he thought he was, and I found out the hard way after a year and a half together. It’s 2 1/2 years now and no ring. It’s been a rough point for us for a long time, and only now are things sorting out. Anyways, I share this long, boring story with you because if I’d been open about my expectations from the start, it would have saved both SO and I a lot of trouble down the road.
Post # 14
Ooooh I can totally feel your frustration. We were in a place where we didnt think financially and realistically we would get married for a few years…BUT…things change and you decide it’s the right time. I hope he wasn’t serious about the 5 year thing because I would probably go crazy. BUT….if you love him and know he’s the one…it’s definitely worth the wait 😉 IMO.
Post # 15
@abirdword: That’s an interesting perspective. I’m not sure I see it that way, though. Out of curiousity, are you saying that if early on in your relationship your boyfriend told you he would want to date for 3+ years before getting engaged, that you would have broken up with him? Or would it have just been better to know, and be able to keep your expectations in check?
I guess the way I see it, aside from making sure that you both have the same goals re: marriage and kids EVENTUALLY, I don’t really see a reason to have these discussions so early in a relationship, especially when you’re in your early 20’s. You just don’t know where things will go, and I think it’s more fun to just enjoy falling in love and not worry so much about the future. And I’m not sure if it’s always possible to answer the question, “how many years until you’ll be ready to get married?” until you ARE ready.
Post # 16
You can only clarify with him and if he says he wants to wait 5 years let him know your hurt that he led you on previously.