(Closed) From waiting one year to five.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

If he didn’t give a reason he may just be joking around with you.

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wait, what? After only 4 months of dating he said something about wanting to be married in around a year….2 months later and he’s saying in 5 years?

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are the two of you?  Was what he said about 2012 more of a casual comment or part of a serious discussion about marriage/the future?  It kinda sounds like he made the first suggestion without having considered it carefully and may be trying to backtrack here

ETA: I reread that and I didn’t mean it to sound like I’m saying he couldn’t propose that fast…my parents got engaged 2 wks after meeting (definitely not typical for a modern American couple) and 31 years later are the happiest couple I know

Post # 7
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@kaykissx2:  It really seems like soemthing else is up for a jump like that. I would just ask him straight, but you may not get an honest answer. He may be trying to throw you off, or he may have just truly changed his mind. If he changed his mind, it’s because he truly wants to wait, or something has him spooked.  No matter what, I would talk to him about it and be open, but do it in in a nonthreatening way, asking what his goals are and what he wants from your relationship in the next few years.

Post # 8
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

i have 2 questions.

1. what’s the rush? at 22 and dating less than a year, i tend to think it feels a little rushed. it’s still deep in the “infatuation” stage. not to say it doesn’t ever work, but just wondering if there’s a distance or military or some other issue…

2. why don’t you ask him directly for a reason?

Post # 9
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly, I don’t think he meant what he said at the 4 month mark. A LOT of guys will stay stuff like that when they are in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, but they don’t actually think about the implications of what they are saying, and later on they backtrack. His 5 year comment is probably more in line with what he actually wants than his “end of 2012” comment, imo.

Post # 11
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@make me believe:  That’s what I’m thinking….

Though to OP, my Fiance said he wanted to marry me about one month into dating. I gave him an eye roll for a response. A year later we were living together, and as soon as the house was done came the dream ring…so sometimes they “just know” too 🙂

Post # 12
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

Agree with PP that his comment earlier on probably wasn’t serious. 5 years would be a long time, but if that’s too long for you, I’d bring it up in a year or 2 rather than now when you’re still in a new relationship.

Post # 13
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’ll jump on the “what’s the rush” bandwagon.  I say this on every thread with young couples, but I truly believe waiting until your brain’s matured (~25/26) is a good time to get married.  You’re really young, and this is the time of your life to grow.

 

I will, however, advise you to think about when WOULD be a time that YOU want to get married, and make those expectations clear now, since he brought it up.  I’m saying this because if I’d done that earlier in my relationship, I think it would have saved me a lot of trouble.  SO and I started dating when I was 23; at the time, he was very clear about the fact that he was ready to be married, would be married by now if he could be.  I took his word for it and didn’t push the issue, plus formed expectations based on him saying that.  I figured at 23 I was too young for marriage, but a year or two and I’d be ready.  I also strongly believed in the “two year rule”, but never mentioned that, because he’d been so open about his desire for marriage I figured it wouldn’t be an issue.  Well, it turned out he wasn’t as ready to be married as he thought he was, and I found out the hard way after a year and a half together.  It’s 2 1/2 years now and no ring.  It’s been a rough point for us for a long time, and only now are things sorting out.  Anyways, I share this long, boring story with you because if I’d been open about my expectations from the start, it would have saved both SO and I a lot of trouble down the road.

Post # 14
Member
1133 posts
Bumble bee

Ooooh I can totally feel your frustration. We were in a place where we didnt think financially and realistically we would get married for a few years…BUT…things change and you decide it’s the right time. I hope he wasn’t serious about the 5 year thing because I would probably go crazy. BUT….if you love him and know he’s the one…it’s definitely worth the wait 😉 IMO.

Post # 15
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@abirdword:  That’s an interesting perspective. I’m not sure I see it that way, though. Out of curiousity, are you saying that if early on in your relationship your boyfriend told you he would want to date for 3+ years before getting engaged, that you would have broken up with him? Or would it have just been better to know, and be able to keep your expectations in check?

I guess the way I see it, aside from making sure that you both have the same goals re: marriage and kids EVENTUALLY, I don’t really see a reason to have these discussions so early in a relationship, especially when you’re in your early 20’s. You just don’t know where things will go, and I think it’s more fun to just enjoy falling in love and not worry so much about the future. And I’m not sure if it’s always possible to answer the question, “how many years until you’ll be ready to get married?” until you ARE ready.

Post # 16
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

You can only clarify with him and if he says he wants to wait 5 years let him know your hurt that he led you on previously. 

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