(Closed) Frustrated!!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Don’t beat yourself over it. Marriage is important to you and he should know that. Sometimes men need a push in the right direction. Talk to him, make him understand how you feel and what you may have expected when you moved to be with him. Give him a time frame to work with.  Tell him that you want to take your relationship to the next level within about 3-6 months. Women need security emotionally and men don’t understand this. Help him understand how important it is to you.

I don’t believe in “live together” situations because it becomes a habit.  When my fiance moved in with me I told him that we will only live together for a year and if we don’t take it to the next level then we will part ways.  Sure enough he proposed 8 months after he moved in.

I have a coworker who has MS and she is in her mid 30’s. She told her boyfriend at the beginning of their relationship that she will give him 2 years to propose otherwise she has to move on due to her medical condition and wants to have a family.  Sure enough on the eve of their 2 year anniversary he proposed!

You deserve to be happy.  Don’t sacrifice your happiness for someone who cannot commit. Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
2227 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

It sounds to me that you’re putting a lot of pressure on this guy. You’re also taking this a LOT more seriously than he is & the fact that you’re jumping through hoops for him is only enabling your/his current (unmarried!!) lifestyle.

He can’t answer why you’re not married yet which is evidence that he’s clearly not ready.Maybe he needs a year, maybe he’ll never be. Ultimately it’s up to you to figure out if he’s worth sticking around for.

What exactly will getting married RIGHT NOW change for you two anyway? What’s the rush? Employment benefits? Tired of your last name? Is your biological clock ticking? (If so, doesn’t sound like this guy is up for child rearing…)

My advice: chill out & examine your motivations.

Post # 5
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

I understand you. Your not being too hard or too much pressure. 

I suggest you just passivly go on like he’s already said no and start looking for your own place, get involved in some new things (even if its just jogging) and keep him informed if he asks. It may seem harsh but it’ll show him that you can live without him but you still want him. And that’ll prove whither he’ll really put in the effort to be with you too. 

Post # 7
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I would talk to him about timelines and let him know that if you aren’t engaged by (timeline here) you will be making plans to move out or even move back home.

Post # 8
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

@hottlips: Agreed!! I think that’s a great idea!

Post # 9
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

Hi psugirl, welcome to the forums!

There are a few things that caught my eye as I read through your post.

One:

“I had imagined everything to be much different when I moved to be with him.”

Did you two lovingly sit down and discuss what it meant to move in together and where the relationship was heading? Or did you assume that the two of you were on the same page regarding the trajectory of the relationship? Don’t ever take for granted that someone is thinking like you are…with major topics like this, it isn’t uncommon to think you two are aligned, when in reality you are not. If you had previously talked, perhaps another heart to heart would do good. Don’t necessarily force the marriage topic, but to understand him. You can’t make him understand you, but you can seek to understand him and his behavior/mind/heart. Love does that.

Two:

There is a reason he hasn’t proposed, whether that is because he didn’t realize it was on your mind/”that” time frame for the relationship, or that he isn’t ready, or that he wants to accomplish X and Y (like saving this much, or doing that). Endeavor to understand the person you’re with; so often problems arise because we’re too quick to think how we’re dissatisfied before questioning what is going on in our SO’s heart/mind. 

Three:

The fact he feels bad about himself when you bring it up troubles me. Why is he feeling bad? Does he have insecurity issues, feels like he isn’t meeting your needs, etc? When someone feels bad, guilty, or anything negative, it can greatly impact their behavior. Perhaps he’s stressed about some outside fact and your pressure is adding to the stress. Some folks shut down when stressed; they can easily desire the situation to be different but feel they lack the oomph to change their circumstances. That is a fragile state to be in. Your behavior can make his life easier or harder.

I’m not one for dissociating yourself from him to prove you don’t “need” him. Or setting up timelines. That’s along the lines of a bully tactic, twisting his arm that he does X or you don’t want him. That would not be setting him up for success or to meet your expectations. How will that positively impact him? I’m in the camp that people are motivated by two things: fear or love.  Will he propose out of fear of losing you, or because he is confident with himself and ready to marry? Will your behavior bless and build him up, loving him so he feels good about himself and thus more confident to tackle such a topic? Marriage is monumental. You said it is important to you too…is this man worth waiting for? Having love, patience, and understanding for? You (general second person) can marry pretty much anyone. What makes marriage special is because two people chose one another and vow (hopefully) to lovingly serve and care for the other person. These things can be applied within or out of marriage. I’m a firm believer, in fact, that such things should be implemented and respected prior to marriage…it’ll make life easier. 

There is no reason why this situation can’t be resolved!

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