(Closed) Frustrated…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MIBEETOWED:  Honestly, he sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. My father has some of these tendencies, he starts arguments and then makes my mother feel bad when he tells her he told her something, when he really didn’t, making her feel like she’s losing her mind. It’s not ok. Unless he’s willing to see how manipulative he is and is willing to get some sort of counseling, I would not be able to marry him. He sounds like he’s lying to you about other women? If he can’t be honest with you and changes his lies, that’s a red flag to me. But only you know your relationship. But the way you describe what he says and does reminds me so much of my parents, and it’s not a relationship I would wish on anyone. “If you want to marry me, you’ll stop.” “If you want to marry me… do what I tell you?” you are an individual who has her own feelings and he can’t disrespect them, dangling a marriage in front of you like it’s some reward for being good. That’s revolting. You deserve better treatment.

Post # 4
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The double standard isn’t cool.  If he has female friends he hangs out with, you should be able to go out with guy friends.  Neither of you should feel like you have to go through an interogation to hang out with opposite sex friends.  Chances are, if you were free to do the same, it wouldn’t bug you so much.  

Post # 5
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

I just want to say, my mother always told me to never fall for it when a guys says “If you loved me you would…” and that’s exactly what “If you want to marry me, then you will stop right now” sounds like to me.

And it sounds like you don’t trust him very much, and rightly so.  You have to consider how much trust means to you.  And he sounds like he likes to be in control, and you calling him out on his descrepencies threatens his control.  He’s probably not too bad at being manipulative either.  My SO can get defensive and can be manipulative and tends to be an aggressive/ controling leader type.  But they aren’t huge personality flaws, so we were able to talk through them.  If he’s gonna be somebody you’re gonna share the rest of your life with, he needs to know how to check himself when he hurts you.  Open lines of communication and see what happends.  You should both be willing to compromise on the things that upsets each of you- but be sure you get something out of the compromise, don’t let him end up with all the power.  I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 6
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

“you are an individual who has her own feelings and he can’t disrespect them, dangling a marriage in front of you like it’s some reward for being good. That’s revolting. You deserve better treatment.”


Ditto. 

 

OP, he sounds insecure. And I’d be wary of anyone who trumpets how honest they are, in the same way that I’d be wary of anyone who goes on and on about how many women they’ve laid, how rich they are, or how noble they are. It usually means they’re the opposite (to a degree–not necessarily completely) and ashamed of it. 

And I really hate to say it, but the whole defensive attitude regarding his female friends combined with the double-standard regarding your male friends is generally a sign that things are not completely platonic on his end and he’s transferring that into assumptions about you. 

It’s hard to say for sure because your post is a bit on the abstract/general side, but that’s my stranger-on-the-internet response.

Post # 8
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MIBEETOWED:  Personally I would postpone. Don’t go into a marriage not comletely 100% certain of what you’re getting yourself into. He might view marriage as a way of controlling you, i.e. “now you’re stuck with me hahaha!” So if he flips if you discuss postponing, I think that will tell you a lot as well about his character, that he’s more concerned about his power over you than your happiness.

Post # 10
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MIBEETOWED:  

Is this recent? Or throughout your relationship?  I wonder if its not just some pre-wedding panic thing where, like a typical guy, instead of verbalizing his feelings, he is just being all “RAWRRR IM A MAN!!!” and flexing his big strong independent/ “no one is the boss of me” muscles.  If thats the case, I think you can have a heart to heart and tell him its OK if he’s feeling nervous – its a HUGE life change – but that you’d appreciate if he would stop holding the marriage over your head.

Of course, thats all out the window if its always been this way.

What do you think will happen if you call his bluff? Next time he says “if X, then don’t marry me!” reply with….  “good idea, dickbag” and get in your car and go for a nice drive (go get yourself a drink with some friends or something)?

Post # 12
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MIBEETOWED:  Apologies don’t make up for emotional abuse, unless he apologizes, realizes HE’S the problem, and works to correct it. He may just be using an apology to get you back. Of course he’s sorry. But unless he changes his tune, it can’t be a true apology.

Post # 13
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MIBEETOWED:  thats not a healthy pattern to be stuck in if it happens frequently.  I would take off for a few days and turn off your phone. Tell him (calmly) whats bothering you – or maybe even write it down, so he can read it when he is calm and alone, and tell him you think that BOTH of you need some time to be reflective and introspective by yourselves and make sure getting married is what you want.  Going right back after he says sorry is just keeping that pattern in repeat 🙁

Post # 15
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MIBEETOWED:  I flagged it for you. Hopefully they delete it for you soon 🙂

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